Thursday, December 18, 2008

I'm A Milk Carton Mugshot Baby

And you wouldn't even recognize me anymore.

But I'm back. The Parental Units bought me internet for Christmas.

You can cancel the Missing Persons ad.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Oh Jimmy. The Blahgs Not Dead, She's Just Sleeping

So, biggest news first:

I QUIT NEW YORK & COMPANY! Hahahaha, I did it very unprofessionally cuz I knew I wouldn't get a good reference from there anyway. I changed my voice mail to say I had moved to Portugal and was never coming back, and that I wouldn't be in to work that day or ever again.

I know. I'm cool.

But I'm getting loads of hours at Vintage Store though and I LOVE IT!!! I made my first display the other day hahahaha.

Real Boy took me to dinner and came over the other night and stayed til the wee hours of the morning doing makeouts with me. I told him I'm a virgin just for fun. That way, if we ever fuck it'll be funny hahaha.

Another promising young lad found me on CraigsList. He's 19 and seems AWESOME. I gave him my number and told him to text me.

Have I mentioned Real Boy is more like... uhhhh. Real Man?

Um. He's 26.


ANYWAY, downtown living is amAzing, Friend 1 and I don't want to kill each other yet, and life is generally noice.


Thursday, May 22, 2008

Oh Oh!

And Friend 1's nephew has a crush on me. And, okay, he's like 17 and that would make me a pedophile, but he's cute and funny and a cool dudeizzle. And Friend 1 has explicitly banned each of us from hooking up with the other. Hahahaha. Saaad.

But funny, considering that on Saturday night he made out with Len and on Sunday morning he asked Friend 1 for MY number.

Score one for Snarkypants!


Just BUSY! The apartment [henceforth known as Chez Yuppie... hahahaha] has ONLY been fully set up since yesterday.

So right now I'm relaxing before I go to Vintage Job and work all day.

Annndddd... Uhhhh...

I think I kinda sorta have a date. Tonight.

With a never before mentioned on here CraigsList guy. We're going to The Comedy Club. Fun...?

And no. I still haven't hung out with Real Boy. Because we are both retarded hahahaha. But that's part of his appeal.

And the other night, Friend 1 and another friend of mine


This 'another friend' needs an introduction. She is one of my bestest friends in the entire world. Due to some constant grounding (her parents are fascists but now that she's 18 they can't do shhhiiit hahaha)and disagreements with a couple of my ladies in The Foxy Foursome, we were not able to see each other for a looong time. But now she is FREE! and we are constantly hanging out and I love it. She gets the only nickname I could ever call her by: Risk.


we sitting around, Hookahing and Happinessing and we ended up pulling out my box of fortunes (yeah, fortune cookie fortunes. I know, I'm stupid. I collect pointless bullshit. I also have boxes full of soda bottle caps and sea glass.) and asking it questions (and oh how I hope it becomes a regular activity. Sooo funny) and Friend 1 asked 'what will come of the Snarkypants and Real Boy situation?'

And the fortune she pulled?

":) Happy life is just in front of you. :)"


Maybe I shouldn't be going out with this other guy. Maybe I should cancel and go out with him instead.

You know, I'm just gonna be upfront. 'I could go on a date with this guy or on one with you instead. Which would you prefer?' Something like that.

GAHHH I'm gonna do it right now.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Grown Up.

Dear friends,
I am blahging this from Friend 1's laptop. We are making Mediterranean (too busy to care about spelling right now) burritos in our downtown amAzing apartment. Too grand.


Tuesday, May 13, 2008

So, Okay, I Get Caught Up In The Moment Sometimes

And daydream about this guy that I only know as text on a screen.

And the random Facebook picture, but still.

I don't know. At least in this conversational environment, I feel some clickage. Like maybe there is some possible strand of silver lining I can cling on to that I'll find someone I can be with for real.

All from CraigsList. Hahahaha.

It's not like with Ex-Perfect Guy. That was like I WANTED it to work, cuz he was what I pictured myself with. Real Boy (oh god he just earned a blahg nickname) and I actually seem to have compatibility.

Oh, god. We just had a big old argument again. This kid amuses me to no end.

Ohhh god. Please don't tell me that I like him.

I've never even met him. I'm soooo weiiiird.

Frosty Flake Sundae

Vanilla ice cream (Vanilla Bean works too)
Chocolate syrup
Frosted Flakes

Scoop ice cream into a bowl. Chop up a few strawberries and stir them into the ice cream a little. Add some chocolate syrup. Top with a handful of whole Frosted Flakes. Eat with a spoon. Smile!

The cereal doesn't get soggy! I know it sounds weird but it is FUCKING DELICIOUS!

Trust me, it's worth trying.

Monday, May 12, 2008


There's been nothing to blahg about lately, really. Friend 1 and I move to our downtown sublet on SATURDAY!, I'm trying to get another jorb down there so I can quit NY&Co. and henceforth not have to worry about taking the bus at 10 at night/getting raped, I've been chatting with another CL boy who may not be what I'm really looking for PHYSICALLY, but he is funny and teases me and it's v. v. entertaining talking to him.

And Tuffy is curable, but it'll cost like five grand. I don't blame Female Unit for being hesitant about going through with treatment. That is a LOT of money. Maybe it would be best to not put her through that and just spoil her rotten and love her immensely (which I already do but will somehow find a way to increase) and let her have happy remaining days in her own home.

I am very conflicted.

And sad. But I'm trying really hard not to think about it and just be excited about being in the thick of Madisonia action.


Wednesday, May 7, 2008

From The Rejected Files II

Subject: What's Shaken Toots???
From: Zac Dorken [Email redacted]
Sent: Tue 5/06/08 11:04 AM
To: Snarkypants
[Picture redacted cuz I'm not THAT big of an asshole]

How's it goin babe? My name is Zac and this is my application to be your fwend! I am 21 years old, originally from Minneapolis, I work full-time, play part-time. Guitar, bass monopoly, pretend, you name it, I play it. I have one tattoo, one piercing, and one shaved head. I listen a ton o tunes, punk rock, funk, all sorts o stuff. I dunno, What else would you like to know?? I'd love to hear from ya!!"

I did not even reply to this. I couldn't get over it. Sooo funny. Sad sad cuz he's either trying to be ironic or he just doesn't get it.

Dorken indeed.

Wow. You know, re-reading that makes him not sound so bad. I think I'm gonna write him back hahahahaha. Even though I don't think he's cute. Bald=guhhhh.

But I fucking HATE being called 'babe.'

I hate 'hun' even more.

Note: The entire original reason for this post is because I wanted to do the whole dork/Dorken thing.

I am so fucking stupid.


It is my ONE HUNDREDTH POST! I feel that I have officially stuck to a blahg and will be able to continue to do so. I am happy enough with life so be able to write -frequently- about it.

And you lovelies will get to read every bit. :]

AND ANNOUNCEMENT! FRIEND 1 AND I HAVE SNAGGED A SUBLET DOWNTOWN FOR SUMMER! I am going to explode into a cloud of rainbow glitter and unicorn stickers.

We must christen it.


This Summer is going to be amAzing. Best. Ever.

And thank you for those who read this. I promise more zany adventures and retarded emotional rollercoaster rides! Yayyy!


Sunday, May 4, 2008

A Facebook Conglomerate

If they wanted to, Facebook could eliminate a shit ton of interweb competition. They're basically gonna kill the free version of AOL Instant Messenger. How easily could they take things over? People become ADDICTED to Facebook, and since they're there so frequently, if they could just do all their interweb-related business, they would. Think about it. Online Facebook shopping. Personals. Movie reviews. Dictionaries (maybe it's just me that uses those uber frequently) and Encyclopaedias. IT WOULD TAKE OVER! The majority of online businesses would be wiped out by the sheer laziness (and obsessive-compulsive Facebook checking) of people.


BUT LET IT BE KNOWN, if that happens, I get all credit and 5% of the spoils. 'Kay, Facebook? Thanks! :]


So I hung out with Perfect Guy again, and unfortunately, he needs a name change.

He is a funny, cute, Indie rocker boy and a cool person... but we have no chemistry. Like, I would be totally down for hanging out and being friends (even though I already have friends and aren't really looking for them...) but there is no romantic connection.

So he will now just be known as Guy.

He is perfect for someone, just not me.

Awkward Note: His older brother is into me. He's funny and nice and whatever... but I am not attracted to him physically, and once again there is no chemistry. That doesn't make me shallow, does it?

No. It doesn't.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Oh Boo.

The apartment we wanted is gone :[

I wanted it sooo baaaddd. Oh well. We'll find another place. It won't be as cool, but we'll make sure it's awesome.

Working Girl

So Vintage Store opened yesterday! It was FUCKING AWESOME! I love the people, the location, the clothes, the store (oh my God it's sooo cute. It looks AMAZING), and my BOSS! She is basically what I aspire to be (after I hippie around for awhile). She is so cool.

I also interviewed at Kitsch Store. I think it went well and I came off v. v. poised and responsible, yet quirky and friendly. He said if I pass le first draft I will be called back for another interview. To become an actual employee, you have to go through a long process with trial periods and shit, but I think I can do it, that I'd like the job, and that it would be worth it.

I also put in an application to Urban Outfitters. There is a message on my machine asking me to call and schedule an interview :] so I figure I will probably get one of those jobs, get my awesome juicy summer sublet with Friend 1 (we have a showing todaaaay!), and have the best summer EVER.

It's so nice to have something to look forward to.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Oh, The Hills.

Since the beginning, you have never disappointed me. Sometimes with storylines so dramatic and over the top that it makes me want to alternately give you kisses and kick your ass.

But this? This? You have exceeded my expectations.

Heidi and Spencer are breaking up. For realz. None of this, him moving out/taking a break shit, but the whole cut-your-losses-and-move-on fandango.




What a stupid cunt. This is why it is a firm rule in The Snarkypants Manifesto that it is ALWAYS Chicks Before Dicks.

But I still LOVE The Hills.

For the record, I just saw that as a commercial for the next episode, and am currently watching Parental Control. The chick dude's parents want to get rid of is fucking HILARIOUS. She's super sarcastic and spot on with parental insults. WHY WOULD THEY GET RID OF HER? SHE'S GREAT!

First Encounters Of The Perfect Boy Kind.

Hanging out with Perfect Guy:

We (me, my friend Shutterbug and her Cousin) were downtown for Photogging Adventure (it was really super fun! We got smoothies and stalked boys and talked shit and took really fun [hopefully they turn out well] photos). We met him and his Broseph and their friend downtown.

We went back to their house, got stoned, listened to them play acoustic guitars and sing (they are soooooo goood. SO FUCKING GOOD. Snaps. Perfect Guy's Band... I might tell the name later but probably not, to save anonymity.), played classic Nintendo (SO FUN), and got fried rice (he served it up to everyone in bowls with spoons. So cute. And he totally got us seconds too). It was grand. His brother and his two friends I met were really chill and funny and bomb. Cousin totally wants Broseph now hahaha. And he... is v. v. rad. So cute, funny, sarcastic. I don't know if there's really chemistry there yet or if I Like him, but I would very much like to hang out with him again and find out.

Pee Ess-- I texted him and said 'blah blah fun, you're an Indie Dreamboat (I KNOW I KNOW. I'M FUCKING STUPID), should do it again even if you're not interested. And he totally said he enjoyed my company and we should definitely do it again. But at the end he said 'We'll see' without a period or whatever. So it's hanging in my head like an unfinished thought.

I'm guessing it's in reference to being interested. And I'm okay with that. I don't want another 'I like you, I like you too, let's date, *fuck*(or *fuck*, let's date, depending on the physical attraction. I know, such a tart). I want to get to know him, and if I do like him, do things RIGHT for once. A little courtship, a chance to develop REAL feelings before getting too physical and making the entire relationship about sex. I know. She grows up so fast.

I'll keep you updated, duckies.

Daytime Teevee Ponderings

I wonder how it feels to be the fat* Kardashian.

At least she doesn't seem as retarded as Kim and Kim-Clone. I feel so bad for the young daughters. Hahaha I saw this one episode where one of them was making fun of Kim's egocentricity and spoiled-cunt attitude.

I also pity Bruce. What a fucking nightmare having to be around those mentally deficient tarts all the time.

*I don't think she's fat. Or ugly. But compared to her anorexic, silicone enhanced sisters? My self-esteem would be shit.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Tee Hee.

I always love seeing that one of my exes has broken up with their girlfriend.

Facebook provides me with a little ray of vindictive sunshine.

(It was Metal Kevin, eff why eye. And his stupid-looking blondey-blonde 'I love you always' girl. I can't decide if I want to hang out with him again or not. But I still LOVE that HE contacted ME and asked to get together WHILE HE WAS DATING AFOREMENTIONED CHICK. I am le pimp fo sho.)


SO 4-20 was GREAT. I hung out with The Foxy Foursome allll day.

First, they came over in the morning for some delightful wake-and-bake action. Brownie and I shared a screwdriver cuz we are that hardcore. She also rolled the saddest joint ever (named Lolita) that with our mad skillz we managed to smoke. And in the midst of Lolita, I decided we should pass a bowl around simultaneously.

Then we maxed out on junk food and decided to go DOWNTOWN!

I stopped by one of my favourite hippie stores and got my very own and FIRST PIPE! It is PERFECT for me. It's small and pink (but with a decent-sized bowl) and has little cherries on the side. I named her Jubilee (get it?! Also, ish in honour of the X-Woman) and it was definitely love at first sight.

Then we went to Ian's Pizza where they had free brownies at 4:20. They were okay, but being stoned made them supa delicious. We also ran into some other friends and it was grand.

Then we rented some movies and watched The Doom Generation (which I have seen before and is completely twisted and I LOVE. Snaps, Greg Araki) and smoked more and then The Foxy Foursome dispersed.

Then, at like 1:30 in the morning, Liam and I hung out.

I swear to god it would have been amAzing fun if I had been with anyone else. We got blitzed and broke into Olbrich Gardens to explore. It was completely beautiful in the moonlight, so surreal and quiet. Very Garden Of Eden. And of course it was lost on him. He got all paranoid cuz he's a fucking idiot so we left. Then on the way home, he asked some question (I don't remember exactly what it was) about our strange relationship, and I was completely honest and told him I think he's a huge asshole and I keep trying super hard to be friends and he's a douche cuz he never puts forth any effort. I asked him what his take on the situation is.

He said he didn't have one.

He had absolutely nothing to say for himself. When he dropped me off, he said 'see you later.' I responded 'no, you won't' and slammed the door and walked away, leaving him yelling something about me slamming things.

I know. I keep saying I'm never gonna waste time on him again. BUT THEN I DO. But honest to Christ, that was the last time. I keep thinking if we got a chance to talk, things would be good. But he'll never talk, and he's not worth spending time with. He's not the guy I used to know. Now he's just a big unmotivated, egomaniacal asshole who isn't worth the pixels on this page to write about.

There may be more Liam quips and unsavory interactions between the two of us in the future (at parties and whatnot... I am NEVER going to knowingly hang out with that bag of fuck ever again), but this is officially

The Last Chapter Of Liam In Snarkypants Land.


So some guy from my high school responded to my CL ad.

The great thing is, I actually had a little fling with him my... junior year? And then proceeded to break his heart, as I am wont to do.

Do I really sound THAT MUCH like myself?

Monday, April 28, 2008

Garr I Never Feel Encouraged.

So I'm applying for more jobs downtown cuz I wanna live down there and quit NY&Co. so I can establish myself there (Friend 1 and I wanna try to get a cheapy one bedroom sublet for summer) and Female Unit is totally discouraging me.

So I'm kinda of in too downer of a mood to blahg. :[

But I will leave you on a happy Note:

I hung out with Perfect Guy on Saturday.

Friday, April 25, 2008

I Don't Want To Beat Around The Bush

So I just emailed Perfect Guy and asked him to call me so we could hang out.

Yup, I put myself all the way out there and there's no going back.

He's probably going to decline my offer

but at least I tried.

(And my title ALWAYS makes me think of Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo. Snaps, Bloodhound Gang!)

Thursday, April 24, 2008

From The Rejected Files

I have expelled quite a few CraigsLister emails from the hallowed womb that is my inbox. All of them were open, reviewed, and dismissed, either because of a lack of physical/ attraction, or just cuz the person was a retard (no offense Army Man Haack, but an email titled ‘Hello darling (UNCLASSIFIED) [though I know the unclassified is not necessarily of your doing)(and no offense, guy who asked what my maximum age limit is. I am listed as being 19. What the fuck. If you have to ask, you shouldn’t be writing in the first place. Homie don’t play no 47 year old creepers.).

But a couple have slipped through my initial screening process

Okay, I have to pause. This whole thing is making me sound like I think I’m hot shit. I KNOW I’M NOT. I’m advertising myself on CRAIGSLIST for chrissake. I just am a dick and think I’m being funny and witty talking about guys I consider basic losers/assholes/general tragic cases.

I won’t rehash Girl Voice Guy and I would neva NEVA reject Perfect Guy. But everyone else is free game! WOO!


…slipped through my initial screening process and I began corresponding with them.


File A

So this guy sends me this message:

“Hi, Im James. Couldnt sleep, so I figured I would respond to your post that I read today. A little bit about me... I just recently turned 20 and am a sophomore in the engineering school at UW. I am tall (6'3") and thin, so I suppose I could aptly be described as lanky. I've included a picture of me. Im the one on the far left. The one on the far right is my twin brother, although you wouldnt know it to look at us.

Im a very open and honest individual. Im really easy to get along with and I love to laugh. Ive been told that I have a dry and sarcastic sense of humor. I dont do drugs (probably would still tell you that even if I did though), but I do enjoying drinking when I can.

As far as musical tastes go, my favorite band without a doubt is Wilco. You might not be very familiar with them, but I love everything they have done. Besides them, im into mostly classic and alt rock and alternative country (dont be fooled by the name, it is actually quite good).

I love sports. Especially football (Go Packers!). I play a lot of basketball at the gym and tennis occasionally when its nice outside. I try and stay pretty active and maintain a healthy body.

I am looking for a relationship, but would be ok with just being friends if thats how things go. Anyways, if I sound like someone you would like to know, just email me back and we can figure out something to go and do. My cell number is listed below too if you would prefer to call. Hope to hear back from you.

[Information redacted]”

And he attached a picture.

Well, okay. He was decently cute. Tall and lanky? Plus. Into Wilco (and thus Indie music)? Plus.

Blah blah sports guys stuff? Whatever.

Sounding like a fucking robot sending out a mass emailed message to every chick that posts cuz you’re so desperate?


I am SO not into a guy not putting effort into something like this.

(Uhm, yeah, I know it’s CraigsList, but I kind of… care? Now Perfect Guy? His email was fucking AWESOME. But we do not speak of him here!)

If he can’t even be bothered to put some sort of personality or genuine humor into what is basically a first impression, he isn’t good enough for me. Or any other girl with some self-worth.

OH. But so, he was tall and lanky and I am a LITTLE shallow, I wrote back:

“Of COURSE I've heard of Wilco. Ehhh they're a little country-twangy for me, but oddly enough, She's A Jar? One of my favourite songs of all time. I could listen to that on loop for days. Also, the girl in the song reminds me of me. I know, super self-absorbed right? No, not really.

I do drugs. Well, I smoke. And I drink. But neither interferes with my life so I figure I'm good.

I know that was probably some copy-paste message you sent to a bunch of chicks, but you seem interesting. So if you feel like it, write me back.”

And HE responds thusly:

“Hello again, Heinous Highness. I like the name, but out of curiosity, what is your real name? Sorry for the somewhat late response too. Yesterday was actually my birthday, so you can imagine that I was a little preoccupied. Anyways, I found it kind of funny that you dislike Wilco's country-twang, because that is precisely what I like about them. It actually saddens me that in their most recent albums, they've shyed away from their roots.

Musical differences aside, I suppose Ill tell you a little more about myself. I am from Racine, WI and majoring in electrical engineering. To be honest, I am not very passionate about my major, just in it for the big bucks really. I dont mind someone that smokes, it just has never appealed to me.

So whats your situation? Going to school here? Where are you from?

Also, in response to that copy-paste comment, this is actually only my third craigslist reply. The other two being when I bought football/concert tickets. I tried to avoid sounding so generic, but it appears I failed.


Musical differences aside, James, you seem very bland. Sorry.


I fear his boringosity would suck my soul straight from my body.

File B

I received the following message:

“Hello there dream girl, meet your dream guy. Not really, but we'll work towards that. Judging by your ad, you seem to have quite a bit of spunk which is the number one quality I look for in a girl. High five........or you could leave me hanging that's cool too. Let's see, I stand at 6'4 so I guess I miiiight fit your height requirement. I could make a joke, about you meeting mine and being tall enough to ride me, but I figure that's probably below my maturity level, or not, who knows, I guess you'll have to e-mail me back to find out. Not a huge fan of punk rock or metal, but really into alternate and classic rock. I listen to a lot of acoustic stuff, really down with a few "stoner bands." Lately, I've been listening to A LOT of Joseph Arthur and Elliot Smith. I grew up listening to Billy Joel and CCR. I suppose since you seem like a music buff, that may be an interesting conversation. You yell things in public, I happen to do the same. I think awkward situations are really funny. I'm the kid who steps in an elevator with others and something subtle will make me laugh. In turn I usually get some pretty odd looks. I also like to party, sometimes I go overboard, but seriously who doesn't? Alrighty, rockin it.”

Initial response? Me likey! V. v. tall, JOKED, decent music taste, endearing sign-off. He seemed like… a real person. Someone I’d hang out with. Le response?

“Hahahaha. What do you consider 'stoner bands?' I'm not really that big of a music buff, just a huge fan. I'll listen to anything once.

And I would never leave a high five hanging. WITCHA! Consider that your e-high five.

Tall enough to ride? I'd need a ladder. You perv.

So yeah, you caught my interest. Say more things. I'm bored.

If you could get a tattoo of anything, anywhere, what would it be?

What do you consider the narstiest vegetable and why?

What is the most dangerous thing you've done lately?”

Banter continues.

So yeah, whatev, we email more. He ends up asking why I put my shizz on CraigsList. I tell him I was bored, wanna meet guys, whatever. He tells me he did his as a bet with his friends, to see who could get the most girls. And he finally sends a picture. Not. Cute. At all. (Fuck you all, physical attraction does come into play in a relationship.)

I point out that HE contacted ME.

By this time, both cuz he looks not like I’m into and because he reveals his origins with CL (also, his conversation was beginning to lack) were of poor intentions.

OH OH! He also had THIS to share (apparently the ‘competition‘ was over before he emailed me):

“you seemed like a pretty cool chick, the bet was over and done with, and I figured karma would bite me in the ass for toying with the emotions of women so I shot a response in your direction.”

SUCH a GENTLEMAN. How kind of him to save my broken heart.

What a fucktard.


Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Oh I Am Such A Melodramatic Whore.

He wrote back. He just doesn't go on the interweb that frequently.

I also wrote him another message before he replied talking about how I didn't sound like myself in the initial one, blah blah. I am glad I did that, because my first message really DID sound fucking stupid and egomaniacal and shit.

But yeah. Hopefully he will write back again. I still want to meet him. He still seems like my poifect guy.

Just... Never Mind.

He didn't email back. I guess he didn't think I was worth it after I sent my picture. Or he didn't like what I wrote back. Something made him not want to bother.

It shouldn't make me feel so sad but it does. I feel rejected. No, not even rejected.

Just empty.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Oh. My. [Perfect Boy] God.

So. One of the guys that responded to my ad?

He is the cousin of a friend from University.

He is. So fucking cool.

Like, his email was AWESOME. I straight-out told him it was the best response I had gotten. And the more I hear about him and know about him (she's telling me some stuff and she sent me his MySpace... I am such a creeper) the more awesome I think he is. Like, I am completely infatuated with him. I AM going to meet him.

I really hope he likes me.

Seriously, I haven't been this excited in ages.

Oh my god. This could be the start of something wonderful.


I almost forgot!

From this hippie baby and her merry band of bleeding heart recycling Liberals to yours.

I feel like planting a tree. Too bad it's so shitty out.


I had a dream about my ex, Metal Kevin. It doesn't help that I texted him on 4-20.

Yeah, I dreamed we got together again, even though he was still with his girlfriend. We were like cuddling and watching weird movies (I can't remember what exactly they were but I wish they actually made them cuz they seemed bizarre) and I made this excuse and left and then realized that we were probably gonna break up in like a week so I might as well spend time with him and get some cuddles and sex and male attention out of the deal, so I had Female Unit drive me back. Then, somehow I was at my high school and Friend 1 was there (we didn't go to school together) and Metal Kevin was there and wanted to see us in the principal's office. I refused to see him cuz I figured he was just gonna break up with me and I didn't want to deal with that, especially at school, so I made Friend 1 talk to him for me. I really don't remember what was said. Then she came out and I decided I would go in and just break up with HIM and there was some weird EXTREMELY tall blonde girl in there and I totally thought it was his girlfriend (it wasn't) and she started yelling at me for hiding this toy McDonald's car from him and he was asking for it and no one else knew what he was talking about and he looked crazy (I vaguely remember there being a part where I actually did that, but it was waaay at the beginning and may have never actually occurred... I just thought it did.) so I was henceforth a negative impact on his life. I started yelling at her

and then Tuffy started barking to go outside and woke me up.

I guess I'll never know if he and I broke up or just stayed together.

I'm All Typed Out, Lately

Because I have taken my desperateness to a whole new level.

I put up a CraigsList personal ad.

A ton of guys have responded, so I've been writing to the potentially worth-while ones.

Sadly, I started talking to this guy hardcore yesterday and we were actually gonna hang out, but plans got messed up. He wants to hang out today. He seems like a funnyish, cool person, but he called me

AND HE HAS A TOTAL GIRL VOICE. He sounds GAY. Seriously. Sooo now I don't know what to do. How disappointing. I still may hang out with him, cuz it's kind of bitchy not to just cuz of his voice, but come on! How can I get to know someone if every time they open their mouth I'm trying not to laugh!?

I PROMISE 4-20/Liam/CraigsList replies SOON! Probably later today.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Don't. Ask.

I'm hanging out with Liam in twenty minutes.


Sunday, April 20, 2008


It is 4-20, everyone! And being the hippiebabyflowergirl that I am, I am going to spend it stooooned and happy with my ladies Friend 1, Death, and Brownie.

Yesterday was amAzing, sitting on a dock with the girls, talking about life and drinking screwdrivers, but I shall talk about it tomorrow when I let you know what The Foxy Foursome does to celebrate today!


Saturday, April 19, 2008

Everything With Us Is Tumultuous.

I won't go into details of yesterday, mainly because they don't matter. We went and saw music, went to parties, people across the road fought blah blah.

The main point of interest (to me at least) was my interaction with Liam.

So I call my friend and he's with a group of people, including Liam, and I'm like 'hey, people all left House Guy's so you can come over.' So they did, but then our friend kicked everyone out (except me and my ladies cuz we is cool like that) cuz House Guy wasn't there (even though he wouldn't have cared... but I am not about to argue with a huge black man.).

In the five-minute span of Liam actually being there, I completely trashed any sort of relationship we had, friendly, casual, or what have you. After years of dancing around the whole matter, I basically shot it in the face. And I'm totally proud of myself that I could do it so quickly and easily. Sick, isn't it?

I had his phone for a long time, cuz I was nice enough to go retrieve it from the woods where fucking retarded dropped it. I held onto it because it would give me and excuse to get him to see me. It never really worked out like and then I realized I didn't care, so I was prepared to give it back to him.

I walk into the room, and the first thing he says, no hello or anything, is 'where is my phone?' To myself, I'm thinking that he's a complete ass. I am right. So I respond 'what?' and the conversation proceeds thusly:

'Where is my phone?'
'My phone.'
'Okay, put it in your purse and then the next time you see me, give it to me.'
'What are you talking about?'
[Inaudible mumblings of frustration as he gives up and turns away so I know he's ignoring me.]

So then I take his phone out and throw it at him and walk into the other room. Except I hear him say 'finally.' This does not please me. Not at all.

So I go in there, little hothead that I am, and start talking in raised tones about how rude that is and how he didn't even thank me, etcetera etcetera. He thanks me and I tell him to fuck off cuz he had to be prompted.

Five minutes later and everyone is booted, except, as our enforcer friend said 'these fine ladies,' meaning me and my homies. So Liam pops his head in the door and says 'what if I make fine ladies appear?'.... yes. Meaning That Girl. I am officially pissed. I basically invited him and he goes and invites her? He HAS to be aware that I had some... romantic issues with him. Or else he's stupider than I thought. So enforcer friend says 'especially you have to go, Liam.' So I hop on the bandwagon of course and start railing on him about him leaving because hes an asshole than no one likes and that he should just accept that everyone hates him. He keeps walking to the door and back and finally says to me, 'bye, smelly.'

I take that and run with it. All the way to fucking China.

Back story: When Liam and I dated a million years ago, he had a body odor problem (Note: I noticed that he smelled a bit... ripe when we fucked that time. I had to hold back my laughter) that I constantly hinted to him about and he never got. There are incidences of him refusing my proffered deodorant and a friend of mine attacking him with air freshener just to beat back the smell. After I dumped him, I wrote about how he smelled bad on my website at the time. He saw it and IMed me asking, 'when did you decide I smell?' I told him always. I think I still have the AIM conversation saved on my old computer. Yeah. I'm one of those people.

So of COURSE I say 'I'm smelly? I'M smelly?!' and proceed to start telling everyone in the room the story you just heard. He just keeps popping his head in and out of the room, hearing more (oh yes I knew he was listening just outside the door. I used it to my advantage) until he finally says 'I can't believe you're doing this' and leaves for real.

It was then that I realized I broke the entire thing with three quick jabs. I don't care. Once again, I know he's stupid and a loser and an asshole who isn't good enough for me. He wasn't nice and never appreciated my gestures or made any attempts to help me build a friendship. He can fuck himself.

This morning, I woke my lappy up and there was an IM from him:

Liam: Snarkypants
Liam: im not sure why we we're yelling mean shit at eachother when i left

It's because I can't even look at you without being angry and hurt and confused and upset and I'm sick of trying because we WON'T be friends and you're a shallow asshole who can't see how good we'd be together and I don't even WANT you to see anymore cuz I don't want YOU because I hate you and you're not up to my standards.

That's why we were yelling mean shit.

Friday, April 18, 2008

First Day In Vintage Land!

Sorry... I was gonna lump this and the former together (I can't believe I just said lump... I can't stop thinking about it) but I felt Tuffy deserved her own.

But yeah, the shop isn't open yet (I still haven't decided if I'm going to post the actual name) so I spent four hours ironing.


I'M SERIOUS! My boss is SO FUCKING COOL and she brought her hilarious one-year-old again. The time FLEW by. And I LOVE working downtown. This street musician just set up shop right in front of us, playing acoustic guitar and singing (John Lennon, The Beatles, Sublime.. GOOD SHIT) and it was just SOOO COOOOOL.

And I was talking to Boss Lady and she said I was the ONLY person who dressed up for their interview. That's... bizarre in my opinion. Don't you want to come off as professional? Whatever.

ANYWAY, SOSOSO pleased with this job.

I Still... Don't Have The Words.

So Tuffy has a lymphatic tumor. 90% chance it's malignant.

So my baby basically has cancer.

I have no idea what we're gonna do. I'm just being as sweet to her as possible cuz I have no time frame yet of what's going on.

I'm so fucking scared.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Never Mind That Party Thang

Instead we're going to one on Saturday.

Now I need to find something else grand to do on my night offffff.

Tomorrow I start Vintage Job!

Should Be Interesting

So WOOOHOOO I don't have to go into work tonight. I was on call but they don't need me.

So I am free to go to a party with Marta, this really rad girl who was friends with Metal Kevin. I'm bringing Friend 1, but we won't know anyone else there. I'm really looking forward to meeting new people, but I just hope they're receptive to making friends.

I'm nervous and excited.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


Guess who I just ran into at the mall while I was working?




I feel completely bloated and fat and gross. I hate it. I hate my period and getting cravings for food and then gorging myself.

I hate that I have to go to work soon. And that I'm still sick. And that I totally wasted this nice weather day sitting in the house doing nothing.


I Get So Easily Sent On Tangents Of Obsession

So I was watching Tim And Eric Awesome Show Great Job! (love it, IMDB those guys, they also do Tom Goes To The Mayor) and I actually watched the credits for once (which is sad, as I've been watching this since it started... my attention span is so wack) and noticed the animation studio that did the bizarre intro.

So of course I Googled it and shit, and now I'm obsessed with finding his commercials (or anti-mmercials as he calls them) and videos and shit. They are so bizarre and spazzy. I love it. Very unique and they actually keep my attention.

Davy Force Anti-Mation. Check that shit out. Snapppps.

I so want to be friends with him.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Hurray! I Was Rooting For Her.

Ambre won Rock Of Love II. Daisy was an idiot.

Bret Michaels isn't such a bad guy. He's not completely gross like Flavor Flav. I hope he and Ambre actually work out cuz she seems like a real person and she deserves to be happy.

And I love that she was actually eliminated in the FIRST EPISODE, but some other chick decided to leave, so she got to stay. Fate.


This Blahg Is... For Not Her Eyes

I'm sitting on the living room couch typing this. Female Unit is watching Keith Olbermann (SNAPS. I love him) and was reading this over my shoulder.

She's like, 'who's Liam?'

Oh Christicles.

I Can't Believe It

Len and I just were cruising down town for a bit.

We saw Liam.

Walking with That Girl.

I can't believe my bad luck.

But like I said, even though I am better than him and don't want him and would never ever be with him,

I still am jealous.

Yarrr. I want a new, pretty, wonderful boy.

Humanizing Polygamists

I watched the entire first season of Big Love this weekend. I love it so much. The story lines are phenomenal, the acting is perfect, and the characters are so intricate it's beautiful.

And even though everyone hates Nicki, she does try to be a good person. When she fucks up she's usually just trying to do what she thinks is best. Who can blame her psychosis with her father being who he is?

IMDB that shit.

Wow. I Just Had A Thought.

Even If Christopher Mintz-Plasse never does another movie, he will ALWAYS be known as McLOVIN.


I love Superbad.

IMDB that shit.

Regarding Man Stylist 'Colin'

Never mind. He's not pretending to be straight. He's fucking FLAMING!


His clothes bashing similes are soooo harsh. BEAUTIFUL!

I still hate that stupid bitch though. Stacy? Is that her name?

Fuck Stacy.

HAHAHA I'm Watching That Show On TLC About The Midget Family

'Little People, Big World' or whatever the fuck it's called.

Hahaha they're visiting the Grand Canyon (think about how big it would seem to them haha) and Midget Dad is is afraid to go across it on this glass walkway thing cuz it's so high up and he can see it.

WHAT?! He KNOWS it's safe. Like they would let something that imperative have any possibility of collapsing. What a fucking idiot. I don't care if he's a midget or not, that's still retarded.

Regular Son (who is the youngest) prods him along. Hurray. Claps for you, Regular Son.

They showed a preview of the next episode shows Regular Son fighting Midget Twin (the former is taller than the latter). MUST SEE. I would be pissed to be Midget Twin, getting screwed out of being taller.

No, I didn't say 'normal,' because I don't have weird pointless prejudices against people who are 'different.' They're the same as anyone.

And Midget Mom and Regular Daughter have a girl day together. PRECIOUS!

Must see it.

IMDB that shit.

Ewww that show where the 'straight' guy and the fucking annoying bitch plastic surgery catastrophe come and give some poor woman 'fashion.' Okay, yeah it's kind of cool to show someone how to dress more flatteringly, thus giving more confidence and whatnot, Lady Stylist is a fucking cunt. A cuntbag. A cuntburger. And sometimes she takes away the quirkiness of the women themselves. So sad.

Anyway, I just remembered. I packed a bowl aaaages ago. I'm going to torch that shit. Grin.

And then watch Superbad, even though I am still WAY too intrigued by Michael Cera. It is so unhealthy, I don't even want to talk about it.

He is just too perfect for me though.

Now I want to go watch Clark And Michael ( oh my sweet chocolate JESUS it is hilarious. Snaps for them.).

But! It's My Day Off

So I'm going to cuddle with my dog, relax, and get reallllly happy while watching the trailer to Pineapple Express.

IMDB that shit, yo.

I still maintain that Seth Rogen is a foxy man. He is too hilarious to not have sex with.

Speaking Of Dogs...

My beautiful, beloved, and somehow not mentioned til now Yorkshire Terrier, Tuffy, went to the vet yesterday. Shots, blood drawn, the works. It was just standard checkup shit but of course it hurt her. Now she's slinking around, ears down, and shaking all the time cuz it probably still aches. I feel so terrible.


The vet found a lump in her neck. I'm so scared. I don't know what I'd do if it's actually something. I'm praying it's not. I love her too much.

I seriously don't know what I'm going to do when she dies. I'll probably lose my shit.

She's already nine years old.

I'm Sick As A Dog

So I've been basically working non-stop. And I'm super sick. Well, not super. But I do keep coughing up phlegm and my nose is terrible and my throat hurts and I have man-voice and I feel quite crappy.

My tootsies are getting quite the workout standing nine hours a day. So on Saturday, I was supposed to work four to nine-thirty, but NY&Co. called at ten asking me to come in one to six. But if the other chick didn't show at four thirty I'd have to stay til close. I said okay.

Of course the dumb bitch (who I SWEAR has some sort of mental deficiency... I'm not just being mean. I actually think she may be slightly challenged) never showed (apparently today is her last day so I guess she didn't care. Damn selfish retards) so I had to stay.

Then I got sick. And had to work more.

AND NOW I HAVE MY FUCKING PERIOD AGAIN. I guess last time was 'spotting' but it still fucking sucked. At least this time I'm actually supposed to have it.

After work Saturday, I hung out with Friend 1 and Eric, another friend. We got drunk in a school parking lot and talked about life (it sounds really losery and lame and creepy but it wasn't it was fun). And sex. Lots of sex talk. I ended up making a booty call to John (I KNOW I KNOW but I swear he really is history) but he was in bed or some shit. I'm glad. I was drunk and being stupid. I don't want him.

I've just realized the articles or clothing I'm wearing for pajammies are both white... with weird 'racing stripes.'

I am a sad case. Hahahaha.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Cheerleader! So-And-So! Whatsherface! The Ugly One!

So. Who remembers that?

I'm watching Strong Bad Emails right now. Looove it.

But Teen Girl Squad is my favourite of all favourites.

I remember I wanted to order a tanktop online and Female Unit wouldn't let me get it because on the back it said 'I Have A Crush On Every Boy' and she thought it was inappropriate.


So go catch up with Homestar and the gang, and if you've never seen the site, chiggedy-check it out. Hilarity will ensue.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Regarding Romance

We have all known for a long time that I have a fucked up past with relationships. All of them ended abruptly and basically on instinct, instituted by me. But only two guys (even though it was I who initially ended it) have still stuck with me, both of them because of how tumultuous our relationships were (With College Fuck, it was always this way, with Liam it has been going on since forevvvvver. Except now, cuz I am totally over it. Mostly.): I never knew where I stood with them. Were they mad, suddenly offended by insults they had laughed at minutes before? Did they want to talk about real, deep things? Things I was scared to tell people (Note: Both boys, except Liam only the first time around, were extremely interested in knowing the real, deep, broken, me. I refused to show them and severed our relationships)? Are they telling me to leave me alone? Are we going to get enough alone time that he'll kiss me?

It was either they wanted all or nothing. And I loved it. The uncertainty, the challenge, the chase. The fight for their affection. It was


This is what I want in a boy... but I want one who will eventually settle down and let me catch him.

Please Discount Mohawk John

What. A waste. Of time.

We never do anything or talk about anything meaningful or laugh. It's just lame. We smoked and he got all tired, like he always does, and wanted to sleep. Fucking BORING.

FUCK that. I'm not answering his calls any more. I told him so. To his face. Hahahaha.

He wasn't even a very good fuck. He was more like an A- regarding his hands hahahaha. And enthusiasm can't make up for actual skill.

He is totally deleted from my life.


I'm ecSTAtic. It's only two days a week in Summer (only one day a week til then) BUT I'M SO GLAD I'M JUST GOING TO BE A PART OF IT!

Also I'm hanging out with Mohawk John tonight. I think we're smoking, and then coming back to my house to watch Labyrinth. Mmmm David Bowie. Plus Jim Henson puppets? Fucking GENIUS.

I just wish I didn't have my damn period.


I Have A Spotty Past With Microwaves

QUESTION: Who just nuked a Rice Krispie Treat for waaay too long?

Answer: Snarkypant's borderline retarded self.

Yeah... the marshmallows basically disintegrated and then caramelized. It was super crunchy.

Yes I ate it hahahaha.

I invented a recipe for fruit salad. It is very easy, healthy. and delicious.

Rainbow Fruit Salad

Add as much of these items as you need for the portion (you can pretty much eat however much you want... as long as you brush your teeth!) you want. They MUST end up being a Roy G. Biv (with purple being representative of both end colours, haha) representation of fruitosity.

Strawberries and/or raspberries
(Red apples are possible but untested)

Clementines and/ or oranges


Green grapes and/or kiwi


Purple grapes and/or blackberries

Chop/slice/ peel that deliciousness up and throw it in a bowl

Fruit is always healthy.

Add however much Cool Whip (I prefer extra creamy)
It's only 25 calories a tablespoon.

Mix fruit and Cool Whip while periodically adding as much sugar as you want.
Sugar has like no calories. Just make sure to brush like I said before.

Mix again.

Eat with a spoon



I'm basically retarded.

BUT I WILL ARGUE TO THE DEATH WITH SOMEONE that this could be considered healthy.

Now I'm going to go back to eating mine.

And watching videos on

I eat that shit up.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008



Monday, April 7, 2008

I Know, I Am A Terrible Blahgstress

QUESTION: Who called in twice to work during her first week of employment?


QUESTION: Who almost got fired after her boss called her house and talked to her Female Unit who informed The Boss that there was in fact no family emergency, I don't know where Snarkypants is, and she wasn't sick on Wednesday?


I freaked out. I thought I was gonna get bitched out by The Boss. Who is five feet tall and SCARY. But she didn't yell at me, I made good excuses, and it's all peachy keen now.

I am such a failure at this whole 'being employed' thing.

But I DID get mah first pay check! Something like $99.34. Not bad for a week's worth of work where I basically open fitting rooms for people and fold shit. Although some woman yesterday basically made me a personal shopper for her daughter. I was nervous at first cuz I'm basically fashionably retarded, but it worked out fine.


It was my second time with him. His name is Mohawk John, although he no longer has a mohawk. I also almost ruined his band cuz I was flirting with him (lead vocals, backup guitar) and the lead guitarist. He was the one who forgave me. Plus, I met him first (on MySpace... I make terrible choices that usually end up great hahahaha) and liked him more.


Finger work: A, almost got me off.

QUESTION: Who has never had an orgasm?

ANSWER: Me. My life is sad. I've tried everything (except a vibrator... WHICH I WANT) and it doesn't work, no matter what my mental state or how relaxed I am. It's all very depressing.

Mouth work: D, didn't really do anything for me and I ended up cutting him off and telling him to just FUCK ME. He tried to argue about foreplay but I won.

Actual sex: B-, it was pretty decent, but ehh, kind of boring. Whatever.

Plus both of our stamina is reallllly low.

Overall enthusiasm: A+. The boy tried, he really did. He was all cuddling with me and kissing my forehead and I was just like 'WHERE IS THE SEX?' I am such a dude.

Anyway, I needed layage v. v. badly. So I am pleased.


Moving on, Saturday night I hung out with Len and this girl who I know through my ex-boyfriend. She is waaay cool and I hope we hang out more and often cuz I'd like to expand my social circle. Well... meet more boys.


BUT it is my day off, even though Female Unit is home so I can't do anything fun. IE drugs or have boys over for teh s3x. Even though the only boy I could call is Mohawk John and he is at work. I also CAN'T beat this one stage of Amateur Surgeon, Act II on


I promise to try to update every day with mah shit instead of massive posts about myriad things.

Friday, April 4, 2008



Details tomorrow.


Thursday, April 3, 2008

Vintage Job Interview

It went really well. The owner is fly and her one year old son is adorrrrable.

The only thing is, it's working one to three days a week. I kinda wanted this to be my full time job. So if I get it, I AM SO TAKING IT, but I have to keep NY&Co. too.

Oh well, it'll be soooo worth it.


Also, Friend 1 and I, along with our girls Death and Brownie (Brownie is Friend 2 from Rainbow Party) are house hunting downtown! WOO!

I swear my thoughts are really jumbly today. Bear with me.

Boy Zone: This boy Mohawk John (who coincidentally no longer has a mohawk) wants to play with me today. I am down. He's tall and goofy and Snarkypants needs some lovin'. I haven't seen much of him for a very long time. He always ends up passed out somewhere. But oh well. We've never actually hung out one-on-one so I'm kind of nervous. Also, sex-wise, I couldn't be bothered to shave my legs (or anything else) this morning, so I have, what, a week's worth of fur? Oh well. Embarrassing, maybe slightly, but more convenient to just go au natural? Definitely.

I need to go unwiiiiind.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

You Can't Even Write This Shit.

A class of third graders planned to kidnap and murder their teacher.


I really should write something based on that.


Oh Well, I Don't Mind Talking To Myself

I am playing hooky from work. I just felt like it. Yesterday was notttt a day off, and tomorrow won't be either.

No no no, this will not become a regular occurrence.


Tuesday, April 1, 2008


If anyone is reading this, even just these few words and nothing previously written, even if you have stumbled upon a mistake and do not intend to ever visit again,

please leave a comment.

Just so I can know if someone is actually listening.


I've Become Self-Actualized... APRIL FOOLS!

So: Tourney.

That Girl didn't show. I was glad, but I don't care.

I've realized that, as stated before, Liam is no where near good enough for me. No job, no school, no life. All he does is sit around a say stupid things so people will think he's all philosophical and deep. He isn't. So it became clear to me that in fact, I am not interested in him. I have no feelings for him. If he were to throw himself at my feet and beg me for forgiveness and to love him forever, I'd tell him to fuck off and die.

But, as is the way of Snarkypants, there is a catch.

As much distaste as I have for him, I will still be jealous if and when he's all flirty and makey-outy with other girls. I know, fucked right? But that's how it is. At least I'm not pining. I barely think about him any more.

And yeah, last time I said I hated him (and told him that, and ignored him, and he brought his girlfriend to the party we were at, and I looked terrible in my Toga) we ended up fucking (I don't regret it, but I know it was a mistake), this time I mean it. All these years of being hung up on him are over. He is not the boy I liked. He has morphed into a sad loser who even gets shit talked about him by the people he considers his best friends. The only people who actually like him are silly, manipulatable girls who he tricks into thinking he's special.

ANYWAY, so he and That Girl are still conversing (more and more frequently... godspeed, That Girl) over Fizzlebizzle (Facebook) and I keep tabs and get pissed, but I don't emotionally care anymore.


It was a shitton of fun, even though some people (who had no chance of winning it anyway) took shit waaay too seriously and harshed my mellow a couple of times.

For example, we played this one team. They shot their balls (missed) and one rolled between two tables. So Len shot while I retrieved the ball. I washed it off, shot, and MADE THEIR LAST CUP, and the fat piece of shit bitch we were playing claimed I'd already shot and was taking a second. She even called House Guy over to ref, and since he didn't want to start anything, he just said scrap it and do a re-shoot. We ended up losing the fucking game. Bullshit, I tell you.

OH, and I ended up playing Liam, who unfortunately ended up paired with the best pong player ever so we lost to them. We could've totally beat him and anyone else, but the gods were against us. AND, the ONE SHOT he made he BANKED OFF MY TITS. Which sucked, cuz our team uniforms were v. v. big on the cleavage. Oh well. We looked bomb as hell.

Also, Sidenote: Liam ended up being a retarded and fucking his hand up by putting in through a window. I was super nice and like nursed him and he didn't even care. What a waste of time. I won't bother being nice to that asshole ever again.

So, the tourney was pretty bomb over all. I had a grand time.

On to the work situation.

Still at NY&Co., but I have my vintage interview on Thursday. My feet are way pussies and hurt so bad when I stand all day. It's a bit better when I'm hopped up on excessive amounts of Ibuprofen. I still want the vintage job, but getting downtown from Suburbia will be hard. I will make it work.

Other than that, things are pretty basic. Oh, and today is my day off so Female Unit took it upon herself to take the day off as well so we could 'practice riding the bus.' So much for a fucking day off. I actually just got back and there was much fighting and lecturing and shit and it was stupid. As I was typing part of this in fact, she was sitting in her telling me it's not her fault that I'm not independent. Uhm, actually, never letting me figure anything out for myself is why I'm so crippled at doing things on my own.


I want to do something completely foolish tonight.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Details Coming Soon

The tourney was soooo fun. There were some Liam incidences. And The Guy from Rainbow Party came just for me basically and we circled around each other all night. I need verbal foreplay though and it reached it's climax JUST as he was leaving.

He was so about to kiss me.

But then I shook it off.

I should've made out with him. I haven't gotten any nookie in foreverrrrr.

Friday, March 28, 2008

The Bus

DIDN'T. FUCKING. COME. I sat outside freezing my ass off for 45 minutes. So now I called a cab. Another twelve bucks, down the drain.

But waiting at the bus stop was kind of peaceful. Lonely, in a good way. I was glad there was no one else there. And the newly returned birds and their chirping provided a great harmony to the Death Cab For Cutie I was listening to.

Off to work I go, ferrealz this time.

Murphy's Law

So of course as soon as I get the NY&Co. job, the vintage store calls me. I have an interview on Thursday morning. I want it sososo bad, but transportation may be a problem. And Female Parental Unit brought up that I may end up working alone in th store, which I don't know how I feel about. Oh well, I'll just ask questions and find out what the dillio is.

Friend 1 also applied there after I told her about it. It would break my heart if my Units wouldn't let me work there and she was doing my dream job without me. Best case scenario- we get to work there together. That would be bomb, boss, rad, gnarly, and all those other terms you crazy kids use.

So On-Boarding wasn't completely retarded like I thought it would be. I didn't have to touch that stupid workbook. All I did basically was greet people and shadow (follow around, stalk, whatev) the manager, who isn't bad. I ish learned the cash register but all the shizz for returns and gift cards is confusing. I'll get the hang of it.

I work today, 1 to 6, but because I am special (ed) and don't drive, I get to take the bus today! Joyous! AND since the bus system in Madisonia is wacked out, I have to take an early one and wait around the mall for an hour. Barnes And Noble, watch out.

I'll try to make some observations on the ride today so you can all feel like you took The Glorious Bus Adventure with me.

Pong tourney tonight. I'm nervous and going to be stressing over the thought of Liam and That Girl all day.

On the plus side, I've basically been not eating for a couple of days and I've lost five ell-bees since being home. I'm still grotesquely obese (in my eyes) but it's a start.

Wish me luck and have a grand weekend.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Regarding Yesterday's... Wait For It

VIDEO TRAINING! I forgot to mention that yesterday, along with filling out papers, I had the privilege of viewing the New York & Company Official On-Boarding Videos. These included such exciting and fun filled segments as:

Not to worry, the assistant manager ASSURED me that the goals for 2008, read by the endearing creepy uncle founder, would be here soon!

I learned a lot from this segment. Like how many different types of metal the gold jewelry is dipped in, what a cuff bracelet is, and that the entire 'hand be-jeweled jewelry' staff is entirely made up of depressed and over made-up (probably for the visiting cameras) Hispanic women.

If a customer won't let you spray shit on them, explain to them that you are going to put some on your OWN hand, do so, and then shove it into their face and force them to smell it. They've GOTTA want it now! Note: Every customer, no matter what their previous objections, will mention at least THREE TIMES how great whatever scent they sampled is. If they fall short or especially if they DON'T MENTION THE FRAGRANCE AS ALL, get a manager immediately. This customer is a secret terrorist.

Not actually what the segment was called, but there is no way in FUCK that I am going to harass some poor person in a dressing room until they deny it AT LEAST THREE TIMES. That's what the fucking Male Salesman (aka trying to increase diversity and the myth that men would ever work there) told me.

If you want to see all this (And More!) just apply for a job at your local New York & Company and the cinema magic will haunt your dreams for decades!

Embarassing Questions

Who, at age nineteen, plays pot tops as if they were cymbals?

Why, me of course.

My life is so sad. Hahahaha.


Moving on after that bit of Multiple Personality Disorder... oh wow. I just thought of something. What if someone just had a Personality Disorder? Someone whose personality is just innately sucky? You can't really truly change your personality. You'd be living a sham of a life. Dissssmal.

Hahahahaha I swear I know some retarded Those Girls like that who don't actually seem to have a personality. I'd rather be who I am than have guys chase me for no substantial reason. I will be wanted for who I am, not what I look like. WERD.

This is getting pretty heavy, yo, so now here are some more embarrassing questions.

(Note: All questions involve something that has happened in like the last twenty minutes. I swear to god I am so awkward that it hurts to exist. But I share it with you, my darlings, because I don't mind a laugh at my expense to bring a smile to your rosy-cheeked little faces)

Who sets a wet sponge on fire, totally burning the edge, and then trims the burnt shit on it with the kitchen scissors?

Me, and yes, I washed them off.

Who then spends a good two minutes letting water run like a wasteful asshole because she is intrigued by the idea (and also the practice, which she was doing. Fortunately alone, because if anyone saw her she would be hauled off to the nut house with all the nuts and the squirrels) of cutting the running water with aforementioned kitchen scissors and photographing it?

I fear I will never find anyone who appreciates my little joys and clumsy stories. Le sigh.

And now That Girl is signed up to play pong tomorrow two. Luckily, not against Liam, But I HAVE to do better than her. I don't know why. I don't even want him anymore (lie, but not that MUCH) but I just need to prove I am at least superior in some aspect.

Gargargar I hope tomorrow is fun and I am not distressed by those two retards' antics.

Pee Ess: I go in for my 'On-Boarding' (training... which they could've just called 'Training,' but nooo, they need a kicky, pseudo-corporate name to trick all the sad people who end up spending their lives managing that processed sack of fashion lies that their lives aren't so sad. FUCK THIS NINE TO FIVE SHIT!) with the manager tonight. I have a fucking WORK BOOK with COMPREHENSION QUESTIONS. YOU HAVE TO BE 18 TO WORK THERE. I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. How retarded do they think people are. Chrisssst.

I have to put together three outfits. Sounds, sorta fun, right? WRONG. Then you have to fill out a fucking WORK SHEET writing fucking PARAGRAPHS about which one is your favourite and why. What the hell is this!?

So that's what I have to look forward to from six to half-past nine. Woo. And then I get to work almost full time tooling around.

I hate that this is what I have to do to earn money.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Ha Ha, Jay-Kay, Maybe I AM Responsible. Ish.

Yeah I ended up going. I took a cab instead of da bus.

It was just filling out forms...

... and watching instructional videos. Oh, my god. So sad. I rolled my eyes so many times I'm surprised they didn't get stuck up in my head. There was an entire section on where their jewelry comes from and how it's made and shit. Not interesting, like the salesgirl/actress claimed it was, and most definitely not entertaining.

I work basically every day the rest of the week and the coming week. Yarrr.

In other news, I shoplifted by mahself (as opposed to having someone else gank things for me) for the first time today. At age 19. I'm definitely a badass. It was this pink push-up bra from Macy's (my Friday pong partner Len and I are excessively boobless [even though she is totally tall and uber-model skinny... bitch] and are probably gonna wear two push-ups a piece to give us Maximum Cleave) and it's cute. Len and I have decided we will use the art of distraction as opposed to having any actual skill at the game. I'm not the bad, usually, but she says she's no good, which is fine cuz we'll look fly and it'll be fun anyway.

Still not looking forward to seeing Liam and That Girl together. Gargargar STOP CARING STOP CARING STOP CARING!!!

Currently Skipping Work To Write

She covered the room in an ocean of blues. Knobby-soft under her bare feet, the cerulean hand-made rug she found at a little hippie shop run by a former Grateful Dead groupie who went by the name Topaz. Turquoise scarves-turned-curtains, studded with tiny plastic beads that clung to them like perfect water droplets and found at the flea market by the legendary Haight. Strands of glass the colour of a perfect Summer sky brushed her shoulders every time she came through her little white door (now painted with various elephants, unicorns, ducks, all of them blue) to her new home. But it didn't feel new. It felt like she had belonged there all her life.

I am a terrrrrrible nine-to-fiver. STOP LETTING ME DO BAD THINGS, SELF!

Bad, Bad Sales Associate!

So I'm supposed to start training at NY&Co. today and I have to take this retardedly complicated buss route.

I'm seriously considering saying the bus never came and just telling that to my mom and calling the place and telling them too.

I am terrrrrrible.

I need to start working on my writing again. Perhaps next time I will treat you with a bit of prose. Here's to hoping for inspiration.

Including Excessive Winking Emoticons

So That Girl and Liam have been corresponding via Facebook Walls and it's making me ill.

She is a nice girl but seemingly pretty empty headed. She wouldn't be able to keep up with him. Not that he cares, because she is one of Those Girls and he will make excuses for her and pretend she's all deep and mysterious simply cuz he wants a hot piece of ass to claim as his own.

I shouldn't be upset because the more I analyze this, the more I realize, no, he couldn't handle me, no he isn't right for me, and most importantly, no he's not GOOD ENOUGH for me.

But I'm still bothered, I still think he's an asshole, and I'm still dreading seeing them interact at the beer pong tourney I'm playing in.

The pools are set but I asked House Guy to change it so I can play against him and kick his ass. We'll see if he obliges my request.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

This Would Be The Most Awkward Party Ever

So I dreamt (which according to my spell checker is not a word, but it's the way I pronounce it SO THE BAD SPELLING STAYS!) that I was at a party at House Guy's house. And for some reason my mom was there. Here are flashes of things I remember:

I was sitting on a couch drinking a cup full of vodka. There was no chaser left so I was chasing it with strawberries. For some reason I kept pouring the contents of this packet full of powder in my mouth before I took a drink, cuz it was supposed to be the flavour of the vodka (kind of like those packets you get with Ramen).

Then I was sitting by my mom at this kitchen table (that doesn't actually exist) drinking vodka from a bowl (what a little lush) and these people came in and I told them it was five bucks to drink. And my mom started ARGUING with me about it, and I was like 'Uhm, shut up, I need money' or something along those lines.

I walked into a bedroom and Friend 1 and House Guy and other people were playing Super Smash Brothers. I was like 'is this on N64?' and Friend 1 said 'I can't imagine what this would look like on a Wii.' Then I mouthed to her 'where is Liam?' and at that moment he burst through the door, said something unintelligible, and left. I followed him because I am messed up in da head. So we go into the hallway (it was just like House Guy's real one) and I'm like 'why is the shower running?' Then I start knocking on this other door asking who is in the bathroom, when I realize I am knocking on a bedroom door and durr, I just mentioned someone in the shower behind another door. So I go in there and I think Liam followed and then another guy friend just appeared and pulled back the shower curtain. Inside was by best friend from eighth grade and this senior in high school guy I met not long ago. They were clothed and soaking wet, except dude had no pants on. I totally saw his (tiny) cock. Then that guy friend decides to jump in with them and they do not approve, so they like throw him out. He asks me to kiss his cheek to make him feel better, so I do.

And that, officer, is all I remember.

WARNING: Completely Anticlimactic

So Liam went over to his friend's house and they smoked with his dad, so they were too faded to come hang out. I didn't even see him.

I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Current Boy Shit

I don't feel like going into details of the weekend. Liam and I were flirty, I was confused, blah blah.

Saturday night I was excited that I'd see him again. That was, til this one chick showed up. Don't get me wrong, her and I are kind of friends and I think she's a cool person, but she is totally one of those girls. Tiny, thin, super blonde, giggles a lot, fucking all around sexy and adorable.

You can see where this is going.

He saw her and immediately (literally, along with all the other penises at the party) started following her around like a fucking stray dog.

Just to summarize: They made out. He kept calling me a cock block. I drank more wine. I ended up snapping at Friend 1 (see? I fuck up too) and just being a general ass.

He was sitting by the door when I left. He was all 'Snarkypants, what is your problem?' I basically told him to shut the fuck up and that I hated him and I never wanted to see or talk to him again. In waaay more words than that. It was like a 30 second bitchfest.

And apparently when Friend 1 left, he was like 'are you going to be mad at me for no reason like Snarkypants?'

NO REASON? What a douche.


So my friend just called. He is going to hang out with a group of people. Including Liam. I am invited to join.

I'm so going.

Oh god oh god.

I need to go get ready.


I Am Officially EMPLOYEED.

No, not at the vintage shop (but there is still hope! I just got another follow up email today. I would totally quit what I have now for that... even though it's not THAT bad) but at NY&CO. Yeah, it's $7.75 and hour but that's better than nothing. I'll take what I can get.

The thing is, their clothes are nice, but totally not my style, so I don't know if I'll ever even use my employee discount.

I go in Wednesday to start training. WOOT!

I Promise, Updates Soon!

They will be very terrible and dramatic because... shit has gone down. Boy shit. Liam shit.

Just wait, my darlings, we can all cry together soon!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

And On The Jorb Front--

The NY&Co. thing went fine. I have an interview with the forrealz manager on Friday.

But they are contacting my previous employers.

Okay... my last job. Shitty Shoe Store (SSS). I was hired by this chill dude, it was fine. Slow work and boring sometimes, but tolerable. Then the chill dude (read: Manager) left, and the assistant manager (Read: Big fat bitch) took over. She never liked me and made it apparent. It didn't help that this chick who worked there that I THOUGHT was my friend told Fatass Bitch that I called her (Fatass Bitch) a bitch. She hated me even more. Yay!

There was this one time (it had happened once before, but this time it was the final straw) that my shift started at five. I was there at five exactly, went and put my coat away, and was on the sales floor at five-oh-two.

Cunt said I was late and SENT ME HOME. Better yet, she DIDN'T EVEN DO IT HERSELF. She had one of her ass-kissing peons do it.

So I never actually quit. She just stopped giving me hours (but didn't take my name off the schedule for six months. HAHAHAHAHA) and I just didn't quit.

So I have NO CLUE what she's gonna say about me.

Still holding out for the vintage job. She said she'd love to meet me and would call later this week. THIS WAITING IS KILLING ME!

The One That Got (Read: The One I Sent) Away.

Okay, the story I am going to tell you has hells of backstory, but I shall fill you all in eventually. It's kind of an ongoing thing.

I have this ex. We can call him Liam. Now, we dated AGES ago (fall of sophomore year) and I was a bad girlfriend blah blah dumped him rhubarb rhubarb. Anyhoo, we roll in the same circle of friends and we tease each other, me sometimes getting out of hand... cuz that's what I do (he does too, but not as often. I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE AT FAULT!). So we have a strange relationship.

SO, Sunday night. Chilling playing Wii at my friends house with some pallies. Liam calls. No one wants to talk to him or wants him to come over so they are ignoring the ringing phone. I decide to be nice and answer. We talk for a bit and then he quite rudely asks me to put someone else on. We were getting along that morning (he crashed at the Rainbow house for no real reason) so this pisses me off. So I say, 'No one else wants to talk to you. That's why I answered the phone' and I hang up on him.

He calls back on another friend's phone and asks to talk to me. He proceeds to yell at me, bleh bloo blee I never want to talk to you again, you are so mean, whatevs whatevs. I play the defense card and hang up again.

Then I feel bad so I leave a voicemail apologizing, saying how I get really defensive around him and I don't know why.

I totally know why. Kind of.

A little while ago, there was this couple of months where I was completely convinced that Liam was my soulmate. I don't know, we just challenge and match each other really well. It's bizarre. But anyway. So FINALLY, we hang out one on one. And it's lame as fucccck. So I'm like, yeah, totally over it. Which I was. But I still get nervous when I see him and hope he'll talk to me. I always want him to show up at parties I'm at and flirting with him is a blast (except he apparently was flirting with my friend [another of his exes, the girlfriend after me. Both his relationships after me have been super long and serious and he has treated the girls terribly. With my friend, I guess after the fact she realized how he always talked down to her and made her feel bad and do things she really didn't want to do. He cheated on his most recent with more than one girl. Yeah... one was me. But that is a story for another day. I just worry that I screwed him up. We only dated a couple months but he was super nice to me and I treated him like shit... which is once again another story. God. Long set of brackets.] which made me mad [Read: Jealous] and shit).

That was probably the most confusing paragraph everrrrrrrr.

ANYWAY. I called my dude friend cuz I was chilling with some lady friends (yeah, including Friend 1) and he was with Liam. I was trying to get us all together,
1) Cuz we were bored.
2) I wanted to see Liam.
3) He listened to the message I left him and forgave me.

ANYHOO, I tell them I'll call after we get done eating at Noodles & Company. We go and eat and sit there talking about how rad it would be if a group of cute guys walked in. Just then, this car pulls over and this dude starts getting out. I'm like 'hoooly shit guys, LOOK!' And so we all look and decide he's a babe. And I'm sitting there GAWKING AT HIM and he turns around.

It's Liam. How did you know?

Anyway, the lads joined us early, and we all had fun. Smoked some happiness, Hookahed on my porch, took a walk in the woods, just chilled. Then everyone wanted to leave


but he'd have no way home so he couldn't.

Yes, ladies and gents, I do not have my license. I am a sad excuse for a nineteen year old.

But yes. So that is what has been up with him the last couple days. I'm v. v. confused, I really don't think he's interested (though my friends do... I think they're just trying to be nice) and I really don't want to deal with being insecure and worried about one stupid boy all the time. So what now? I have no blooming idea.

Just a tidbit to leave you with:

Friend 1's sister, whom I am friends with, apparently told Friend 1 that 'the only guy she could think of that could handle me' is Liam.

Oi vey.

Saint Patrick Was Ascetic.

So my friends and I boycotted that Saint Pattie's party in lieu of our own fun. We got eight of our awesomest homies together and hookahed in my friend's van (it was too cold and rainy to go to the park, unfortunately). Then someone pulled out a bottle of Kangaroo Wine (Yellowtail, for those who aren't me and insane) and we passed that. It was very nice and I was in a very happy spot.

Half the group defected cuz they promised people they'd show up (lots of people wanted us there too but we STAYED STRONG) so the rest of us went and smoked some happiness. The three ladies that remained after the others got cold ended up singing M2M (90s Norwegian pop) under a streetlight in the middle of the night.

Prettttty fly.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Not The Vintage Store But...

I put in an application for New York & Company today. The manager or whatever was at the counter and the one I turned it in to. I have an interview or something tomorrow at five. It's probably standard for everyone who turns one in but whatev.


More Like Whinypants

Yeah that last post was a bitchfest. But this is the perfect place to vent so suck my hypothetical cock if you don't like it. Teehee.

Also, I had a dream last night about having sex with my ex-boyfriend. It was just as unsatisfying as real life. HAHAHAHA.

Rainbow Party Results:

Uhm. For me at least, it kind of blew. I was so stressed over everything, I planned by myself, I cleaned by myself, I decorated by myself. It SHOULD have been good.

But dude whose house we were using took it upon himself to invite his retarded friends who messed up the place and dude expected ME to clean it up. First of all, I had planned on cleaning up anyway, but it's bullshit when the people who were ACTUALLY INVITED BY THE HOSTESSES didn't make the mess. Secondly, the house is fucking DISGUSTING, Post-party or not. I cleaned the hell out of the place pre-party, doing things that he should've done himself. The place is ALWAYS nasty and I single-handedly made it tolerable. LASTLY, HE WAS BEING A DICK ABOUT THE WHOLE THING. He kept throwing shit on the floor saying 'you're just going to sweep it up later.' You can't sweep up nasty alcohol soaked fruit. Shit sticks to the floor. You have to go after it by hand and I am not about to do that just cuz he felt like being an asshole.

So- He gave me an ultimatum. On my Facebook Wall of all places. Something like 'COME CLEAN OR YOU'RE BANNED FROM MY SAINT PATTIE'S PARTY.' Fuck that noise. I don't have any desire to see his selfish ass or go to another lame party (his version involves getting a keg and just telling people to come over. Woo, fun times).

Sidenote: Throughout the whole planning thing he was a douche and a half. He said we could start soaking the fruit for the punch on Thursday, then changed his mind and said we'd do it Friday. Friday rolls around and he decides he's going to throw an impromptu party for this one guy and buys a keg. He's 'so busy' 'planning' that we can't do it. Saturday, it turns out that NO ONE FUCKING DRANK THE BEER so he wants to sell HIS cups at OUR party. Let me make this clear: there is no way in fuck I can actually afford this party. I spent ALL the money I had expecting to make it back (Side-Side Note: Friend 1, Friend 2, and I threw this party. Friend 1 ended up spending NO MONEY on ANYTHING and ended up being the one to divvy money between Friend 2 and me. She gave HER ten bucks more than she spent, and me ten bucks LESS than I spent. So I came out in the negatives. And I can't even say anything to Friend 2 cuz she bought booze and I bought decorations and candy and everything else but she'll be all 'booze is more important' and then douche who owns the house [who is also fucking Friend 2] will agree with her and then everyone will gang up on me as usual. Fuck that. But more about the bogusness of Friend 1 soon.). He ended up giving us the keg for whatever retarded reason.

Next on the list of complaints...

Ah Friend 1. How sad you make me. And you call yourself my best friend?

Please note that I have forgiven her and everything is 'good' now. It still hurts to be betrayed but whatever. But a girl still needs to vent.

Friend 1 gave me the screen name of Some Guy, a friend of hers. We started talking a couple weeks ago and he was coming to the party. I was super worried he wouldn't like me or find me attractive but super excited he was coming. So he gets to the party. We talk a bunch and maybe flirt (I don't even know how to distinguish flirting anymore) and we were both crashing there so in my head I was like, sweet, I'm gonna get some.

Wrong again, Little Snarkster.

We are sitting on a couple mattresses (Some Guy, Friend 1, another chick friend, a dude friend of Some Guy, and I) and Friend 1 is next to Some Guy. I keep looking from him to her trying to hint, and finally I just whisper 'you should switch places with me.' Her response? 'I don't feel like it.' BRILLIANT!

So, the five of us are laying on two mattresses side by side. Well, basically there are two couples, each one on a mattress, and me laying in the crevice. Oh oh, but it gets better (worse)! Not only do chick friend and Some Guy's friend start kissing and like stroking each other, FRIEND 1 AND SOME GUY BEGIN FUCKING MAKING OUT. RIGHT NEXT TO ME. WHEN SHE KNEW I WAS INTERESTED. This is the same friend who I told that I might actually like Some Guy. She told me to go for it. Yeah. Thanks.

AND, I repeatedly ASKED THEM TO STOP. I have no idea how many times I threw around the term 'inconsiderate friend.' But did she listen? Did she stop? Of course not. And I mean they were having LOUD, SLURPY makeouts with audible groping. With me, the one who was supposed to be set up by my best friend with the guy she is currently macking on THE SAME FUCKING MATTRESS.

Other chick friend was WAAAAAAAAAY more considerate. She kept apologizing and they definitely kept their makeouts to a minimum.

It's not even so much that there were people around me making out while I wasn't (okay, that was a factor. I am completely lonely and that just made it ten times worse) but that someone who is supposed to be my BEST FRIEND would betray me and knowingly hurt me like that. It isn't even about the guy; it's about what a shitty, inconsiderate friend she is.

But wait! There's more!

I was like a quarter of the way asleep, and all of the sudden, the mattress starts moving. Rhythmically. Up and down.

Yeah. My best friend. The guy she set me up with that she knew I was into. Fucking. Right next to me.


Other grievances: She didn't pay for ANYTHING AT ALL, yet ended up taking the extra booze home and shafting me on getting my money back. That morning when we were buying decorations and shit, she just wouldn't stop ripping on me and saying how hostile I was (which I am, but I wasn't in the situations where she claimed I was) which got House Owner Douche to join in (they used to date too) which got Friend 2 involved. So it was basically everyone against me. Again. I was fighting back tears that entire day. And then I got to go to Douche's house and clean by myself because no one would help me. Yay! She also did nothing for the part except set some fruit and gummy worms in booze and mix one thing of punch. Oh wow, so hard.

So yeah, didn't have fun, didn't even get drunk, best friend slept with the guy she knew I liked, didn't make my money back, expected to clean up EVERYTHING (and now that I didn't, I know I'm basically banned from every party he ever throws. Boo hoo). Fuck this party. I basically spent the entirety of yesterday afternoon (til I was rescued by some homies and Wii) crying.

I didn't even get to see my own pinata, let alone hit it or get candy from it.

Other people had fun so I guess that's all that matters.

Also, I had the most colourful outfit by far. I think I looked really cute. Not that it mattered.

And that was The Rainbow Birthday Party Extravaganza.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

I Swear It Won't Turn Into One Of 'Those' Blahgs

I know Joel got little miss Nicole Richie knocked up, and even though she's no Riot Girrl (um, Joel? THAT SONG WAS A LIE. HILLARY DUFF? What was with THAT bullshit?!) but I love her. On The Simple Life shes hilarious and a total dick while Paris just sashays around calling things hot. WASTE OF SPACE ALERT.

Seriously, I am heartbroken. I LOVE Good Charlotte (yes, still)! Their first two albums were boss and their third wasn't bad (don't even mention the fourth to me. I'd rather pretend its techno bullshit didn't exist) and they are still rad as fuck even though I'm no longer in middle school.

SO PLEASE, BENJI. I see where you're coming from: The dumpier of twins gets a 'hot,' super-tall, super-thin model. But can beauty really make up for brains? Hellz no. DUMP THAT SLUT.

I guesstimate they will be broken up by late April to early May.

At least I hope so.


no job yet. My favourite vintage (and I mean hardcore 40s, 50s vintage) store is hiring and I put in an application, but have gotten no word from them (nor anyone else) which is Bummerville. But I shall keep you updated.

ALSO, my homie I'm co-hosting Rainbow Extravaganza on Saturday with has found a rainbow top that she got in ages past. So we went on a quest for rainbow-tastic clothes and came back with


I'm spazzing cuz this is the first party I've thrown and I'm going to look like a pile of retards if I don't find something rad.


Also, it is my nineteenth birthday today. Huffah!

Monday, March 10, 2008


So I have no time to post anything more than this right now cuz I am completely CONSUMED with looking for work.

I just applied at my favourite vintage store and I reallly hope I get the job. Even though I have to ride the bus for two million hours with a bunch of creepers to get there.

It would be so worth it.

And I could totally Blahg about my bus experiences!

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Haunted By Overpriced Moose

So I went to Abercrombie and Fitch for the first time in my life yesterday. Okay, so it was an outlet store but still. The snobby ambiance was still there.

It was NOT my choice to go. My uncle, who obviously doesn't know me at ALL, sent me a giftcard. I am basically morally opposed to shopping at places like A&F and Banana Republic, but I had to spend this shit

And yeah, I got a few tops and they aren't bad


So, The Moose. It has invaded my dreams.

Yesterday while my mom was out of the room for a minute... I totally stole one of my roommate's rings. Yeah yeah, I'm a klepto piece of shit but she's a big pile of douche so she deserved it. The ring is small and silver with little birds on it (I may take a picture and post it).

I totally dreamt that I was looking at the ring upside down and what I thought were birds were ACTUALLY MOOSE. It was a bloomin' Abercrombie ring. I was PISSED. So I decided to just wear it upside down and feign ignorance to the antlered bastards on my thumb.



I am officially back in Madison.

It is officially two forty-six in the morning.

I am officially going to bed.

Just wanted it known that I accomplished my goal for shizz.


Friday, March 7, 2008


Observation: The straw wrappers here have a distinct pattern printed on them. It matches the design on the cups. The 'art' is probably copyrighted.

What. The fuck. Why does everything have to be all unnecessarily decorated?

Please recall what I said in the last post:

I am still drunk from last night. Bahahaha.

Observation: Tom Goes To The Mayor (which I am currently watching) has hella gay and pedophilic undertones. It's creepy, yet hilarious.

Observation: I am watching the episode guest starring Sarah Silverman. I effing love her, just like all white people ( and by the way that site is DEAD ON and completely brilliant. I like about 97% of everything mentioned.). I must say though that my favourite episode is season two, episode fifteen: Undercover. It was actually on recently. And it also guest stars Michael Cera. Who I am becoming pathetically obsessed with.

I think if we ever met he'd like me. Is that stupid? Hahaha


So I'm definitely still drunk from last night and I just went to Foodsville (the food court type thing across from the cafeteria. Not actually called Foodsville.) to get a smoothie and a tuna sandwich (I'm fucking obsessed with sandwiches. And tuna is bomb.) and I talked to the lunch lady about the weather (we both desperately want it to get warmer) and she basically emptied the blender into my cup. Usually the workers just fill the cup, but lady liked me so I know have a heaping mound of strawberry deliciousness at my disposal.

I love being a people person.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The Way It Is

She never knew what she wanted to do with her life, only that this wasn’t it. An eternity of white picket fences and pot roasts was not in her future. She longed to bite into life, to feel its tangy juice slitherslide all the way down her chin and into the neck of her vintage James Dean tee shirt. This was a snow globe of a place, perfect from the outside, but cold and plastic and boring within. The kind of place that led to dreamless nights and dead-eyed days, just waiting for the end of this status-quo shuffle and the final grey heartflutter of death.
So she signed all of the papers and told her mother to come get her. She knew the ride would be hours of angerbabble about throwing life away and dying poor, but it was worth it. It was the only escape she had and she grabbed it with quaking hands, finally ready to start breathing.


Thursday, 2 45 PM, March 6th 2008

I am officially a college dropout.


Wednesday, March 5, 2008

I Need A JOB!

So I tried applying for this bank teller position my friend told me about.

Basically it said I was too fucking creative for the job and it wouldn't be a good fit.


If anyone knows of any jobs in the Madison, WI area for a delightful and adorable college dropout, lemme know.

I Want More Cookies!

Hurray overkill!

I'm gonna need more picture frames. Yeah, I frame fortune cookie fortunes. I don't like pictures of myself and I have a digital camera so I'm usually too lazy to get pictures developed. I'm like a lethargic Martha Stewart. So lazy I make up my own decorating style and very likely to end up in prison.

The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.
Lucky Numbers 15, 32, 35, 43, 44, 46

On the back it says how to say 'Weather' in Chinese

This one is kind of bittersweet. Like, no one wants to think about good luck changing, but right now I am having pretty badddd luck in life. So things are going to turn around! Woo!

Numbers really don't say much. Maybe those are the days that the weather will be good? Then I'll definitely have to plan a picnic around the forty-fourth.

The last one is kind of a throwaway:

You are never selfish with your advice of your help.
Lucky Numbers 11, 22, 24, 33, 36, 39

Cha I am haha. In fact, I am advising a friend via Instant Messenger as we speak!

I really like the number 39 cuz it's 3 times 13, two of my favourite numbers and the month and day of mah birth!

Why yes, I AM going to turn 19 next week!

My friends and I are having a fucking fantastical Rainbow Birthday Party Extravaganza! in honour of our birthdays (which are relatively close to one another [definitely had to Google if it's 'one and other' or 'one another.' And I call myself a word nerd.]). Wow that was some jacked up punctuation.


Different colours/flavours of punch, a rainbow of Jello shots, and balloons and streamers galore! The only gifts I will accept (and not set on fire) are those that have something to do with unicorns. Maybe I will add fortune cookies to that list.

What was I talking about?

Wow, sometimes the hicks on Maury are really touching. This very stout trailer-fab lady didn't know which of two men (she also mentioned a third... dag yo, guys in the south are pretty hard up for poon. I COULD BE QUEEN OF THE TRAILER PARK!) were the father of her baby. The kicker: THEY BOTH WANTED IT. Oh yeah, and they were BROTHERS.


Anyway, the touching part: They found out if was Jed Clampett #1 and Maury was all 'it's okay Jed Clampett #2. You're still an uncle.' And then JC #1 (that definitely looks like a Christian bumper sticker) is like 'no, you're a GODFATHER.'

And then everyone in the audience went back to making out with their sister or yelling at their babydaddy.

Downright inspirational.

Miss Fortune

Is me. A friend and I stocked up on Chinese food the other day so I had fourfortune cookies. Now I have two. Bahaha.

Innyhizzle, this one says

You will be successful someday.
Lucky Numbers 1, 2, 3, 17, 27, 37

On the back it tells how to say 'September' in Chinese.

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. I am going to be successful. And my life will basically restart again in September cuz that's when I'll start Technical College. (It will totally restart again on Saturday. The first day of the rest of your life and all that.)

I definitely am going to buy a mondo box of fortune cookies and consult them when I have questions.

Also, it doesn't really mean anything, but 17 is basically my favourite exaggeration number.

'Next time we go outside I need to wear at LEAST 17 sweaters.'

Person: 'Do you want a piece of gum?'
Me: 'No. I want seventeen.'

Reporter: 'So, Snarkypants, how many men HAVE you slept with?'
Me: 'Seventeen.'

Oh wait. That last one's not an exaggeration. My bad.

That's called a 'joke,' for those who didn't know.

Good Fortune

I just ate a fortune cookie.

The fortune says:

It is up to you to create your own adventures today!
Lucky Numbers 2, 4, 8, 10, 18, 26

Why yes, Cookie, it IS up to me.

I keep taking all these little signs to mean I'm doing the right thing in making the choices I am.

Damn, I must be really scared to do this thing. I'm never this optimistic. I guess I'm kind of overcompensating, but that's okay because it gives me hope. And I AM confident in the decisions I'm making. Pretty confident.

AND! One of those numbers is 8, which is the day this month (AKA Saturday) I'm supposed to go home! Lucky.