Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Currently I Am

Eating mini muffins and drinking out of a half-gallon jug of milk
Sitting in my lofted bed with the butterfly comforter and sheets
With my three stuffed friends I always sleep with
And my brand new pink piggy finger puppet named Dickens
Watching Tom Goes To The Mayor
About to smoke more happiness
With my pink lighter (Pinky) that my friends and I acquired on Car Adventure (more on that later)
Out of an unnamed pipe (and name suggestions?) that was given to me (handed down, as it were) From my best friend
Who got it from her ex-boyfriend-turned-friend, who is my friend too
A good friend of mine who actually broke it in with her and me, smoking out of it for the first time Only days after meeting her because we bonded so quickly

I just spent a good thirty seconds trying to scratch a period off the screen cuz I didn't realize I typed it.

Now to go smoke with my animal friends.


SHE DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT MY ARM. She took my word for it. AKA I can't wear tank tops and tee shirts for NO REASON.

Anyway, she gave me all these different ways to tell the Units that I need to go home, like making an appointment with my shrink at home and emailing my mom and shit. Stuff I will probably do.

So that's where I am. The counselor totally backs my want to withdraw from school before I flunk out and fuck myself for eternity.

So, in other news, I went to the school store and bought processed cheese slices and Oscar Mayer (the ONLY reason I remembered how to spell that is because I totally just sang the 'my bologna has a first name' song) summer sausage and I am very excited. I LOVE sandwiches, but I also love breadless sandwiches... AKA meat and cheese.

My roommate (more on her later... oh god) needs to LEAVE so I can smoke some weed (I have perfected a way of doing it in my dorm room) and eat my snackums.

Yes, I do 'drugs' (which it HARDLY is) and I've been doing it a lot more recently, due to not attending classes and having nothing to do, and OH YEAH, because it's fucking fun and feels amAzing.

I just sit stoned and watch Tom Goes To The Mayor, Xavier: Renegade Angel (EVERYONE check those shows out. TGTTM is completely ridic and Xavier is just... there are not words), and House, M.D. (who I would totally bang. I love the emotionless witty guys)

Don't judge me. It's fun.

Regarding Self-Mutilation

Wednesday, 9 28 AM, February 27th 2008

Yes, I used to do it a lot. No, not so much more anymore.

Last night's fiasco is just a bit of drama. People have this fear of self-mutilation. It's extremely taboo and gets a lot of attention. Henceforth, I am trying to use it to my advantage.

No, it really isn't that bad. I didn't even bleed.

So don't worry about this.

Worry about THIS with me instead:

"I want you to think long and hard before you give up on going to [University]. Sometimes the window of opportunity doesn't come again. I regret that I didn't get a 4 year degree. It's becoming more of a necessity with each passing year. It's a baseline almost like the high school diploma in years gone by. I don't want you to regret later that [your brothers] got to go to college and you didn't. If you aren't sure of just what you want to do in a career, you will be spinning your wheels at [Technical College] taking random classes. It will be no different than high school with a lot of older people trying to retrain for the current job market. I think you would be much more likely to get inspired by a class/professor at [University] than at [Technical College]. Bottom line is that you triple your earnings over a lifetime by having the 4 year degree. Now is the time for you to go if you want support from Dad and I. [Older Brother] graduates this year and we have two years before [Younger Brother] starts. You're still covered by our insurance and we are a few years out from having to worry about retirement. Take it from me, it's a lot easier to get it out of the way now before life adds more distractions.


WHAT DO I DO WITH THAT? I swear I have my life planned out. Not everything is about money, as my Parental Units think. I want happiness, they say having a stable bank account makes you happy. I see where they're coming from

but I don't agree.

Who knows? In 20 years I may regret not going to school, but more likely I'll look back fondly on all the life experiences I'll have (if I get to do what I want with my own life... which is rare). I'm just not a 2.5 kids, picket fence kind of chick. This whole 4 years idea is strangling me.

Fun Fact: I live in Wisconsin. I was born and raised in Madison, basically the only place worth going in Wisconsin (besides Door County, a family vacation destination which I love). I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN WISCONSIN. And if I have to, I at least want to be in Madison.

I want to live in California. I don't care how many of you natives say it's just a state. It's a change of pace for me, and somewhere where my writing could go places besides a local newspaper.

My counselor appointment is in twenty minutes.

I'm going to throw up.

And So It Begins

Wednesday, 12 30 AM, February 27th 2008

I have made a pseudocide attempt in order to escape college. Hopefully when I present the counselor (at 10 AM no less) with my mangled left forearm, she will call my Parental Units and they will immediately let me come home.

It was never my intention to drop out of school. The summer before, I was super excited. I was ready to be done with the trivialities of high school and make some new, awesome friends.

God, what a disappointment.

First semester, I had a fling with a taken guy. Got sick of that, so I left. That of course meant I left his friends, the only people I had ever hung out with. So I was friendless.

Now, second semester, some sort of miracle has happened, and I have a group of lovely, hilarious chums. They mean a fuck of a lot to me

But I still hate it here. Nothing can change that. I need to leave.

As of writing this, I have not been to class in seven days. Not a single one. I am fucked in allll of them now, so I might as well come home, right?

I know what I want to do with my life.


And I know everyone thinks this,

But I have the talent to do it. Professionally.

But before I can even start to achieve my dreams…

I have to drop out of college.

Wish me luck.