Showing posts with label People Are Idiots. Show all posts
Showing posts with label People Are Idiots. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

From The Rejected Files II

Subject: What's Shaken Toots???
From: Zac Dorken [Email redacted]
Sent: Tue 5/06/08 11:04 AM
To: Snarkypants
[Picture redacted cuz I'm not THAT big of an asshole]


How's it goin babe? My name is Zac and this is my application to be your fwend! I am 21 years old, originally from Minneapolis, I work full-time, play part-time. Guitar, bass monopoly, pretend, you name it, I play it. I have one tattoo, one piercing, and one shaved head. I listen a ton o tunes, punk rock, funk, all sorts o stuff. I dunno, What else would you like to know?? I'd love to hear from ya!!"

I did not even reply to this. I couldn't get over it. Sooo funny. Sad sad cuz he's either trying to be ironic or he just doesn't get it.

Dorken indeed.

Wow. You know, re-reading that makes him not sound so bad. I think I'm gonna write him back hahahahaha. Even though I don't think he's cute. Bald=guhhhh.

But I fucking HATE being called 'babe.'

I hate 'hun' even more.


Note: The entire original reason for this post is because I wanted to do the whole dork/Dorken thing.

I am so fucking stupid.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Oh, The Hills.

Since the beginning, you have never disappointed me. Sometimes with storylines so dramatic and over the top that it makes me want to alternately give you kisses and kick your ass.

But this? This? You have exceeded my expectations.


Heidi and Spencer are breaking up. For realz. None of this, him moving out/taking a break shit, but the whole cut-your-losses-and-move-on fandango.

I LOVE IT!

Heidi basically ruined a best friendship over NOTHING. A DOUCHE-BAGGY GREASEBALL GUY WITH NO JOB WHO ISN'T EVEN ATTRACTIVE.

AND NOW YOU AREN'T EVEN TOGETHER.

What a stupid cunt. This is why it is a firm rule in The Snarkypants Manifesto that it is ALWAYS Chicks Before Dicks.

But I still LOVE The Hills.


For the record, I just saw that as a commercial for the next episode, and am currently watching Parental Control. The chick dude's parents want to get rid of is fucking HILARIOUS. She's super sarcastic and spot on with parental insults. WHY WOULD THEY GET RID OF HER? SHE'S GREAT!

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Everything With Us Is Tumultuous.

I won't go into details of yesterday, mainly because they don't matter. We went and saw music, went to parties, people across the road fought blah blah.

The main point of interest (to me at least) was my interaction with Liam.

So I call my friend and he's with a group of people, including Liam, and I'm like 'hey, people all left House Guy's so you can come over.' So they did, but then our friend kicked everyone out (except me and my ladies cuz we is cool like that) cuz House Guy wasn't there (even though he wouldn't have cared... but I am not about to argue with a huge black man.).

In the five-minute span of Liam actually being there, I completely trashed any sort of relationship we had, friendly, casual, or what have you. After years of dancing around the whole matter, I basically shot it in the face. And I'm totally proud of myself that I could do it so quickly and easily. Sick, isn't it?

I had his phone for a long time, cuz I was nice enough to go retrieve it from the woods where fucking retarded dropped it. I held onto it because it would give me and excuse to get him to see me. It never really worked out like and then I realized I didn't care, so I was prepared to give it back to him.

I walk into the room, and the first thing he says, no hello or anything, is 'where is my phone?' To myself, I'm thinking that he's a complete ass. I am right. So I respond 'what?' and the conversation proceeds thusly:

'Where is my phone?'
'What?'
'My phone.'
'What?'
'My PHONE.'
'What?'
'Okay, put it in your purse and then the next time you see me, give it to me.'
'What are you talking about?'
[Inaudible mumblings of frustration as he gives up and turns away so I know he's ignoring me.]

So then I take his phone out and throw it at him and walk into the other room. Except I hear him say 'finally.' This does not please me. Not at all.

So I go in there, little hothead that I am, and start talking in raised tones about how rude that is and how he didn't even thank me, etcetera etcetera. He thanks me and I tell him to fuck off cuz he had to be prompted.

Five minutes later and everyone is booted, except, as our enforcer friend said 'these fine ladies,' meaning me and my homies. So Liam pops his head in the door and says 'what if I make fine ladies appear?'.... yes. Meaning That Girl. I am officially pissed. I basically invited him and he goes and invites her? He HAS to be aware that I had some... romantic issues with him. Or else he's stupider than I thought. So enforcer friend says 'especially you have to go, Liam.' So I hop on the bandwagon of course and start railing on him about him leaving because hes an asshole than no one likes and that he should just accept that everyone hates him. He keeps walking to the door and back and finally says to me, 'bye, smelly.'

I take that and run with it. All the way to fucking China.

Back story: When Liam and I dated a million years ago, he had a body odor problem (Note: I noticed that he smelled a bit... ripe when we fucked that time. I had to hold back my laughter) that I constantly hinted to him about and he never got. There are incidences of him refusing my proffered deodorant and a friend of mine attacking him with air freshener just to beat back the smell. After I dumped him, I wrote about how he smelled bad on my website at the time. He saw it and IMed me asking, 'when did you decide I smell?' I told him always. I think I still have the AIM conversation saved on my old computer. Yeah. I'm one of those people.

So of COURSE I say 'I'm smelly? I'M smelly?!' and proceed to start telling everyone in the room the story you just heard. He just keeps popping his head in and out of the room, hearing more (oh yes I knew he was listening just outside the door. I used it to my advantage) until he finally says 'I can't believe you're doing this' and leaves for real.

It was then that I realized I broke the entire thing with three quick jabs. I don't care. Once again, I know he's stupid and a loser and an asshole who isn't good enough for me. He wasn't nice and never appreciated my gestures or made any attempts to help me build a friendship. He can fuck himself.

This morning, I woke my lappy up and there was an IM from him:

Liam: Snarkypants
Liam: im not sure why we we're yelling mean shit at eachother when i left

It's because I can't even look at you without being angry and hurt and confused and upset and I'm sick of trying because we WON'T be friends and you're a shallow asshole who can't see how good we'd be together and I don't even WANT you to see anymore cuz I don't want YOU because I hate you and you're not up to my standards.

That's why we were yelling mean shit.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Regarding Man Stylist 'Colin'

Never mind. He's not pretending to be straight. He's fucking FLAMING!

I LOVE IT!

His clothes bashing similes are soooo harsh. BEAUTIFUL!

I still hate that stupid bitch though. Stacy? Is that her name?

Fuck Stacy.

HAHAHA I'm Watching That Show On TLC About The Midget Family

'Little People, Big World' or whatever the fuck it's called.

Hahaha they're visiting the Grand Canyon (think about how big it would seem to them haha) and Midget Dad is is afraid to go across it on this glass walkway thing cuz it's so high up and he can see it.

WHAT?! He KNOWS it's safe. Like they would let something that imperative have any possibility of collapsing. What a fucking idiot. I don't care if he's a midget or not, that's still retarded.

Regular Son (who is the youngest) prods him along. Hurray. Claps for you, Regular Son.

They showed a preview of the next episode shows Regular Son fighting Midget Twin (the former is taller than the latter). MUST SEE. I would be pissed to be Midget Twin, getting screwed out of being taller.

No, I didn't say 'normal,' because I don't have weird pointless prejudices against people who are 'different.' They're the same as anyone.

And Midget Mom and Regular Daughter have a girl day together. PRECIOUS!

Must see it.

IMDB that shit.

Ewww that show where the 'straight' guy and the fucking annoying bitch plastic surgery catastrophe come and give some poor woman 'fashion.' Okay, yeah it's kind of cool to show someone how to dress more flatteringly, thus giving more confidence and whatnot, Lady Stylist is a fucking cunt. A cuntbag. A cuntburger. And sometimes she takes away the quirkiness of the women themselves. So sad.

Anyway, I just remembered. I packed a bowl aaaages ago. I'm going to torch that shit. Grin.

And then watch Superbad, even though I am still WAY too intrigued by Michael Cera. It is so unhealthy, I don't even want to talk about it.

He is just too perfect for me though.

Now I want to go watch Clark And Michael (www.clarkandmichael.com oh my sweet chocolate JESUS it is hilarious. Snaps for them.).

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

You Can't Even Write This Shit.

A class of third graders planned to kidnap and murder their teacher.

Wow.

I really should write something based on that.

Freaaaaky.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Regarding Yesterday's... Wait For It

VIDEO TRAINING! I forgot to mention that yesterday, along with filling out papers, I had the privilege of viewing the New York & Company Official On-Boarding Videos. These included such exciting and fun filled segments as:

-OUR GOALS FOR 2007-
Not to worry, the assistant manager ASSURED me that the goals for 2008, read by the endearing creepy uncle founder, would be here soon!

-HOW JEWELRY IS MADE-
I learned a lot from this segment. Like how many different types of metal the gold jewelry is dipped in, what a cuff bracelet is, and that the entire 'hand be-jeweled jewelry' staff is entirely made up of depressed and over made-up (probably for the visiting cameras) Hispanic women.

-SELLING BATH PRODUCTS-
If a customer won't let you spray shit on them, explain to them that you are going to put some on your OWN hand, do so, and then shove it into their face and force them to smell it. They've GOTTA want it now! Note: Every customer, no matter what their previous objections, will mention at least THREE TIMES how great whatever scent they sampled is. If they fall short or especially if they DON'T MENTION THE FRAGRANCE AS ALL, get a manager immediately. This customer is a secret terrorist.

-HARASSING PEOPLE INTO SIGNING UP FOR THE CREDIT CARD-
Not actually what the segment was called, but there is no way in FUCK that I am going to harass some poor person in a dressing room until they deny it AT LEAST THREE TIMES. That's what the fucking Male Salesman (aka trying to increase diversity and the myth that men would ever work there) told me.

If you want to see all this (And More!) just apply for a job at your local New York & Company and the cinema magic will haunt your dreams for decades!