My Luck Is NON-EXISTANT.

Guess who I just ran into at the mall while I was working?

Liam. AFUCKINGGAIN.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

I Have A Spotty Past With Microwaves

QUESTION: Who just nuked a Rice Krispie Treat for waaay too long?

Answer: Snarkypant's borderline retarded self.

Yeah... the marshmallows basically disintegrated and then caramelized. It was super crunchy.

Yes I ate it hahahaha.


I invented a recipe for fruit salad. It is very easy, healthy. and delicious.

Rainbow Fruit Salad

Add as much of these items as you need for the portion (you can pretty much eat however much you want... as long as you brush your teeth!) you want. They MUST end up being a Roy G. Biv (with purple being representative of both end colours, haha) representation of fruitosity.

Strawberries and/or raspberries
(Red apples are possible but untested)

Clementines and/ or oranges

Bananas

Green grapes and/or kiwi

Blueberries

Purple grapes and/or blackberries

Chop/slice/ peel that deliciousness up and throw it in a bowl

Fruit is always healthy.

Add however much Cool Whip (I prefer extra creamy)
It's only 25 calories a tablespoon.

Mix fruit and Cool Whip while periodically adding as much sugar as you want.
Sugar has like no calories. Just make sure to brush like I said before.

Mix again.

Eat with a spoon

ENJOY!

Hahahaha.

I'm basically retarded.

BUT I WILL ARGUE TO THE DEATH WITH SOMEONE that this could be considered healthy.

Now I'm going to go back to eating mine.

And watching videos on adultswim.com.

I eat that shit up.

I Know, I Am A Terrible Blahgstress

QUESTION: Who called in twice to work during her first week of employment?

ANSWER: Me.

QUESTION: Who almost got fired after her boss called her house and talked to her Female Unit who informed The Boss that there was in fact no family emergency, I don't know where Snarkypants is, and she wasn't sick on Wednesday?

ANSWER: Me.

I freaked out. I thought I was gonna get bitched out by The Boss. Who is five feet tall and SCARY. But she didn't yell at me, I made good excuses, and it's all peachy keen now.

I am such a failure at this whole 'being employed' thing.

But I DID get mah first pay check! Something like $99.34. Not bad for a week's worth of work where I basically open fitting rooms for people and fold shit. Although some woman yesterday basically made me a personal shopper for her daughter. I was nervous at first cuz I'm basically fashionably retarded, but it worked out fine.

BUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW IS ABOUT THE SEX? AM I RIGHT?

It was my second time with him. His name is Mohawk John, although he no longer has a mohawk. I also almost ruined his band cuz I was flirting with him (lead vocals, backup guitar) and the lead guitarist. He was the one who forgave me. Plus, I met him first (on MySpace... I make terrible choices that usually end up great hahahaha) and liked him more.

ANYWAY,

Finger work: A, almost got me off.

QUESTION: Who has never had an orgasm?

ANSWER: Me. My life is sad. I've tried everything (except a vibrator... WHICH I WANT) and it doesn't work, no matter what my mental state or how relaxed I am. It's all very depressing.

Mouth work: D, didn't really do anything for me and I ended up cutting him off and telling him to just FUCK ME. He tried to argue about foreplay but I won.

Actual sex: B-, it was pretty decent, but ehh, kind of boring. Whatever.

Plus both of our stamina is reallllly low.

Overall enthusiasm: A+. The boy tried, he really did. He was all cuddling with me and kissing my forehead and I was just like 'WHERE IS THE SEX?' I am such a dude.

Anyway, I needed layage v. v. badly. So I am pleased.

BUT I WANT MORE!!!

Moving on, Saturday night I hung out with Len and this girl who I know through my ex-boyfriend. She is waaay cool and I hope we hang out more and often cuz I'd like to expand my social circle. Well... meet more boys.

HAHAHAHA.

BUT it is my day off, even though Female Unit is home so I can't do anything fun. IE drugs or have boys over for teh s3x. Even though the only boy I could call is Mohawk John and he is at work. I also CAN'T beat this one stage of Amateur Surgeon, Act II on adultswim.com.

DAMN AND BLAST!

I promise to try to update every day with mah shit instead of massive posts about myriad things.

Curiosity

If anyone is reading this, even just these few words and nothing previously written, even if you have stumbled upon a mistake and do not intend to ever visit again,

please leave a comment.

Just so I can know if someone is actually listening.

Grrracias.

Embarassing Questions

Who, at age nineteen, plays pot tops as if they were cymbals?

Why, me of course.

My life is so sad. Hahahaha.

Yes, Snarkypants, LAUGH THROUGH THE PAIN.

Moving on after that bit of Multiple Personality Disorder... oh wow. I just thought of something. What if someone just had a Personality Disorder? Someone whose personality is just innately sucky? You can't really truly change your personality. You'd be living a sham of a life. Dissssmal.

Hahahahaha I swear I know some retarded Those Girls like that who don't actually seem to have a personality. I'd rather be who I am than have guys chase me for no substantial reason. I will be wanted for who I am, not what I look like. WERD.

This is getting pretty heavy, yo, so now here are some more embarrassing questions.

(Note: All questions involve something that has happened in like the last twenty minutes. I swear to god I am so awkward that it hurts to exist. But I share it with you, my darlings, because I don't mind a laugh at my expense to bring a smile to your rosy-cheeked little faces)

Who sets a wet sponge on fire, totally burning the edge, and then trims the burnt shit on it with the kitchen scissors?

Me, and yes, I washed them off.

Who then spends a good two minutes letting water run like a wasteful asshole because she is intrigued by the idea (and also the practice, which she was doing. Fortunately alone, because if anyone saw her she would be hauled off to the nut house with all the nuts and the squirrels) of cutting the running water with aforementioned kitchen scissors and photographing it?

I fear I will never find anyone who appreciates my little joys and clumsy stories. Le sigh.

And now That Girl is signed up to play pong tomorrow two. Luckily, not against Liam, But I HAVE to do better than her. I don't know why. I don't even want him anymore (lie, but not that MUCH) but I just need to prove I am at least superior in some aspect.

Gargargar I hope tomorrow is fun and I am not distressed by those two retards' antics.

Pee Ess: I go in for my 'On-Boarding' (training... which they could've just called 'Training,' but nooo, they need a kicky, pseudo-corporate name to trick all the sad people who end up spending their lives managing that processed sack of fashion lies that their lives aren't so sad. FUCK THIS NINE TO FIVE SHIT!) with the manager tonight. I have a fucking WORK BOOK with COMPREHENSION QUESTIONS. YOU HAVE TO BE 18 TO WORK THERE. I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. How retarded do they think people are. Chrisssst.

I have to put together three outfits. Sounds, sorta fun, right? WRONG. Then you have to fill out a fucking WORK SHEET writing fucking PARAGRAPHS about which one is your favourite and why. What the hell is this!?

So that's what I have to look forward to from six to half-past nine. Woo. And then I get to work almost full time tooling around.

I hate that this is what I have to do to earn money.