Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Oh, The Hills.

Since the beginning, you have never disappointed me. Sometimes with storylines so dramatic and over the top that it makes me want to alternately give you kisses and kick your ass.

But this? This? You have exceeded my expectations.

Heidi and Spencer are breaking up. For realz. None of this, him moving out/taking a break shit, but the whole cut-your-losses-and-move-on fandango.




What a stupid cunt. This is why it is a firm rule in The Snarkypants Manifesto that it is ALWAYS Chicks Before Dicks.

But I still LOVE The Hills.

For the record, I just saw that as a commercial for the next episode, and am currently watching Parental Control. The chick dude's parents want to get rid of is fucking HILARIOUS. She's super sarcastic and spot on with parental insults. WHY WOULD THEY GET RID OF HER? SHE'S GREAT!

First Encounters Of The Perfect Boy Kind.

Hanging out with Perfect Guy:

We (me, my friend Shutterbug and her Cousin) were downtown for Photogging Adventure (it was really super fun! We got smoothies and stalked boys and talked shit and took really fun [hopefully they turn out well] photos). We met him and his Broseph and their friend downtown.

We went back to their house, got stoned, listened to them play acoustic guitars and sing (they are soooooo goood. SO FUCKING GOOD. Snaps. Perfect Guy's Band... I might tell the name later but probably not, to save anonymity.), played classic Nintendo (SO FUN), and got fried rice (he served it up to everyone in bowls with spoons. So cute. And he totally got us seconds too). It was grand. His brother and his two friends I met were really chill and funny and bomb. Cousin totally wants Broseph now hahaha. And he... is v. v. rad. So cute, funny, sarcastic. I don't know if there's really chemistry there yet or if I Like him, but I would very much like to hang out with him again and find out.

Pee Ess-- I texted him and said 'blah blah fun, you're an Indie Dreamboat (I KNOW I KNOW. I'M FUCKING STUPID), should do it again even if you're not interested. And he totally said he enjoyed my company and we should definitely do it again. But at the end he said 'We'll see' without a period or whatever. So it's hanging in my head like an unfinished thought.

I'm guessing it's in reference to being interested. And I'm okay with that. I don't want another 'I like you, I like you too, let's date, *fuck*(or *fuck*, let's date, depending on the physical attraction. I know, such a tart). I want to get to know him, and if I do like him, do things RIGHT for once. A little courtship, a chance to develop REAL feelings before getting too physical and making the entire relationship about sex. I know. She grows up so fast.

I'll keep you updated, duckies.

Daytime Teevee Ponderings

I wonder how it feels to be the fat* Kardashian.

At least she doesn't seem as retarded as Kim and Kim-Clone. I feel so bad for the young daughters. Hahaha I saw this one episode where one of them was making fun of Kim's egocentricity and spoiled-cunt attitude.

I also pity Bruce. What a fucking nightmare having to be around those mentally deficient tarts all the time.

*I don't think she's fat. Or ugly. But compared to her anorexic, silicone enhanced sisters? My self-esteem would be shit.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Tee Hee.

I always love seeing that one of my exes has broken up with their girlfriend.

Facebook provides me with a little ray of vindictive sunshine.

(It was Metal Kevin, eff why eye. And his stupid-looking blondey-blonde 'I love you always' girl. I can't decide if I want to hang out with him again or not. But I still LOVE that HE contacted ME and asked to get together WHILE HE WAS DATING AFOREMENTIONED CHICK. I am le pimp fo sho.)


SO 4-20 was GREAT. I hung out with The Foxy Foursome allll day.

First, they came over in the morning for some delightful wake-and-bake action. Brownie and I shared a screwdriver cuz we are that hardcore. She also rolled the saddest joint ever (named Lolita) that with our mad skillz we managed to smoke. And in the midst of Lolita, I decided we should pass a bowl around simultaneously.

Then we maxed out on junk food and decided to go DOWNTOWN!

I stopped by one of my favourite hippie stores and got my very own and FIRST PIPE! It is PERFECT for me. It's small and pink (but with a decent-sized bowl) and has little cherries on the side. I named her Jubilee (get it?! Also, ish in honour of the X-Woman) and it was definitely love at first sight.

Then we went to Ian's Pizza where they had free brownies at 4:20. They were okay, but being stoned made them supa delicious. We also ran into some other friends and it was grand.

Then we rented some movies and watched The Doom Generation (which I have seen before and is completely twisted and I LOVE. Snaps, Greg Araki) and smoked more and then The Foxy Foursome dispersed.

Then, at like 1:30 in the morning, Liam and I hung out.

I swear to god it would have been amAzing fun if I had been with anyone else. We got blitzed and broke into Olbrich Gardens to explore. It was completely beautiful in the moonlight, so surreal and quiet. Very Garden Of Eden. And of course it was lost on him. He got all paranoid cuz he's a fucking idiot so we left. Then on the way home, he asked some question (I don't remember exactly what it was) about our strange relationship, and I was completely honest and told him I think he's a huge asshole and I keep trying super hard to be friends and he's a douche cuz he never puts forth any effort. I asked him what his take on the situation is.

He said he didn't have one.

He had absolutely nothing to say for himself. When he dropped me off, he said 'see you later.' I responded 'no, you won't' and slammed the door and walked away, leaving him yelling something about me slamming things.

I know. I keep saying I'm never gonna waste time on him again. BUT THEN I DO. But honest to Christ, that was the last time. I keep thinking if we got a chance to talk, things would be good. But he'll never talk, and he's not worth spending time with. He's not the guy I used to know. Now he's just a big unmotivated, egomaniacal asshole who isn't worth the pixels on this page to write about.

There may be more Liam quips and unsavory interactions between the two of us in the future (at parties and whatnot... I am NEVER going to knowingly hang out with that bag of fuck ever again), but this is officially

The Last Chapter Of Liam In Snarkypants Land.


So some guy from my high school responded to my CL ad.

The great thing is, I actually had a little fling with him my... junior year? And then proceeded to break his heart, as I am wont to do.

Do I really sound THAT MUCH like myself?

Monday, April 28, 2008

Garr I Never Feel Encouraged.

So I'm applying for more jobs downtown cuz I wanna live down there and quit NY&Co. so I can establish myself there (Friend 1 and I wanna try to get a cheapy one bedroom sublet for summer) and Female Unit is totally discouraging me.

So I'm kinda of in too downer of a mood to blahg. :[

But I will leave you on a happy Note:

I hung out with Perfect Guy on Saturday.

Friday, April 25, 2008

I Don't Want To Beat Around The Bush

So I just emailed Perfect Guy and asked him to call me so we could hang out.

Yup, I put myself all the way out there and there's no going back.

He's probably going to decline my offer

but at least I tried.

(And my title ALWAYS makes me think of Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo. Snaps, Bloodhound Gang!)

Thursday, April 24, 2008

From The Rejected Files

I have expelled quite a few CraigsLister emails from the hallowed womb that is my inbox. All of them were open, reviewed, and dismissed, either because of a lack of physical/ attraction, or just cuz the person was a retard (no offense Army Man Haack, but an email titled ‘Hello darling (UNCLASSIFIED) [though I know the unclassified is not necessarily of your doing)(and no offense, guy who asked what my maximum age limit is. I am listed as being 19. What the fuck. If you have to ask, you shouldn’t be writing in the first place. Homie don’t play no 47 year old creepers.).

But a couple have slipped through my initial screening process

Okay, I have to pause. This whole thing is making me sound like I think I’m hot shit. I KNOW I’M NOT. I’m advertising myself on CRAIGSLIST for chrissake. I just am a dick and think I’m being funny and witty talking about guys I consider basic losers/assholes/general tragic cases.

I won’t rehash Girl Voice Guy and I would neva NEVA reject Perfect Guy. But everyone else is free game! WOO!


…slipped through my initial screening process and I began corresponding with them.


File A

So this guy sends me this message:

“Hi, Im James. Couldnt sleep, so I figured I would respond to your post that I read today. A little bit about me... I just recently turned 20 and am a sophomore in the engineering school at UW. I am tall (6'3") and thin, so I suppose I could aptly be described as lanky. I've included a picture of me. Im the one on the far left. The one on the far right is my twin brother, although you wouldnt know it to look at us.

Im a very open and honest individual. Im really easy to get along with and I love to laugh. Ive been told that I have a dry and sarcastic sense of humor. I dont do drugs (probably would still tell you that even if I did though), but I do enjoying drinking when I can.

As far as musical tastes go, my favorite band without a doubt is Wilco. You might not be very familiar with them, but I love everything they have done. Besides them, im into mostly classic and alt rock and alternative country (dont be fooled by the name, it is actually quite good).

I love sports. Especially football (Go Packers!). I play a lot of basketball at the gym and tennis occasionally when its nice outside. I try and stay pretty active and maintain a healthy body.

I am looking for a relationship, but would be ok with just being friends if thats how things go. Anyways, if I sound like someone you would like to know, just email me back and we can figure out something to go and do. My cell number is listed below too if you would prefer to call. Hope to hear back from you.

[Information redacted]”

And he attached a picture.

Well, okay. He was decently cute. Tall and lanky? Plus. Into Wilco (and thus Indie music)? Plus.

Blah blah sports guys stuff? Whatever.

Sounding like a fucking robot sending out a mass emailed message to every chick that posts cuz you’re so desperate?


I am SO not into a guy not putting effort into something like this.

(Uhm, yeah, I know it’s CraigsList, but I kind of… care? Now Perfect Guy? His email was fucking AWESOME. But we do not speak of him here!)

If he can’t even be bothered to put some sort of personality or genuine humor into what is basically a first impression, he isn’t good enough for me. Or any other girl with some self-worth.

OH. But so, he was tall and lanky and I am a LITTLE shallow, I wrote back:

“Of COURSE I've heard of Wilco. Ehhh they're a little country-twangy for me, but oddly enough, She's A Jar? One of my favourite songs of all time. I could listen to that on loop for days. Also, the girl in the song reminds me of me. I know, super self-absorbed right? No, not really.

I do drugs. Well, I smoke. And I drink. But neither interferes with my life so I figure I'm good.

I know that was probably some copy-paste message you sent to a bunch of chicks, but you seem interesting. So if you feel like it, write me back.”

And HE responds thusly:

“Hello again, Heinous Highness. I like the name, but out of curiosity, what is your real name? Sorry for the somewhat late response too. Yesterday was actually my birthday, so you can imagine that I was a little preoccupied. Anyways, I found it kind of funny that you dislike Wilco's country-twang, because that is precisely what I like about them. It actually saddens me that in their most recent albums, they've shyed away from their roots.

Musical differences aside, I suppose Ill tell you a little more about myself. I am from Racine, WI and majoring in electrical engineering. To be honest, I am not very passionate about my major, just in it for the big bucks really. I dont mind someone that smokes, it just has never appealed to me.

So whats your situation? Going to school here? Where are you from?

Also, in response to that copy-paste comment, this is actually only my third craigslist reply. The other two being when I bought football/concert tickets. I tried to avoid sounding so generic, but it appears I failed.


Musical differences aside, James, you seem very bland. Sorry.


I fear his boringosity would suck my soul straight from my body.

File B

I received the following message:

“Hello there dream girl, meet your dream guy. Not really, but we'll work towards that. Judging by your ad, you seem to have quite a bit of spunk which is the number one quality I look for in a girl. High five........or you could leave me hanging that's cool too. Let's see, I stand at 6'4 so I guess I miiiight fit your height requirement. I could make a joke, about you meeting mine and being tall enough to ride me, but I figure that's probably below my maturity level, or not, who knows, I guess you'll have to e-mail me back to find out. Not a huge fan of punk rock or metal, but really into alternate and classic rock. I listen to a lot of acoustic stuff, really down with a few "stoner bands." Lately, I've been listening to A LOT of Joseph Arthur and Elliot Smith. I grew up listening to Billy Joel and CCR. I suppose since you seem like a music buff, that may be an interesting conversation. You yell things in public, I happen to do the same. I think awkward situations are really funny. I'm the kid who steps in an elevator with others and something subtle will make me laugh. In turn I usually get some pretty odd looks. I also like to party, sometimes I go overboard, but seriously who doesn't? Alrighty, rockin it.”

Initial response? Me likey! V. v. tall, JOKED, decent music taste, endearing sign-off. He seemed like… a real person. Someone I’d hang out with. Le response?

“Hahahaha. What do you consider 'stoner bands?' I'm not really that big of a music buff, just a huge fan. I'll listen to anything once.

And I would never leave a high five hanging. WITCHA! Consider that your e-high five.

Tall enough to ride? I'd need a ladder. You perv.

So yeah, you caught my interest. Say more things. I'm bored.

If you could get a tattoo of anything, anywhere, what would it be?

What do you consider the narstiest vegetable and why?

What is the most dangerous thing you've done lately?”

Banter continues.

So yeah, whatev, we email more. He ends up asking why I put my shizz on CraigsList. I tell him I was bored, wanna meet guys, whatever. He tells me he did his as a bet with his friends, to see who could get the most girls. And he finally sends a picture. Not. Cute. At all. (Fuck you all, physical attraction does come into play in a relationship.)

I point out that HE contacted ME.

By this time, both cuz he looks not like I’m into and because he reveals his origins with CL (also, his conversation was beginning to lack) were of poor intentions.

OH OH! He also had THIS to share (apparently the ‘competition‘ was over before he emailed me):

“you seemed like a pretty cool chick, the bet was over and done with, and I figured karma would bite me in the ass for toying with the emotions of women so I shot a response in your direction.”

SUCH a GENTLEMAN. How kind of him to save my broken heart.

What a fucktard.


Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Oh I Am Such A Melodramatic Whore.

He wrote back. He just doesn't go on the interweb that frequently.

I also wrote him another message before he replied talking about how I didn't sound like myself in the initial one, blah blah. I am glad I did that, because my first message really DID sound fucking stupid and egomaniacal and shit.

But yeah. Hopefully he will write back again. I still want to meet him. He still seems like my poifect guy.

Just... Never Mind.

He didn't email back. I guess he didn't think I was worth it after I sent my picture. Or he didn't like what I wrote back. Something made him not want to bother.

It shouldn't make me feel so sad but it does. I feel rejected. No, not even rejected.

Just empty.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Oh. My. [Perfect Boy] God.

So. One of the guys that responded to my ad?

He is the cousin of a friend from University.

He is. So fucking cool.

Like, his email was AWESOME. I straight-out told him it was the best response I had gotten. And the more I hear about him and know about him (she's telling me some stuff and she sent me his MySpace... I am such a creeper) the more awesome I think he is. Like, I am completely infatuated with him. I AM going to meet him.

I really hope he likes me.

Seriously, I haven't been this excited in ages.

Oh my god. This could be the start of something wonderful.


I almost forgot!

From this hippie baby and her merry band of bleeding heart recycling Liberals to yours.

I feel like planting a tree. Too bad it's so shitty out.


I had a dream about my ex, Metal Kevin. It doesn't help that I texted him on 4-20.

Yeah, I dreamed we got together again, even though he was still with his girlfriend. We were like cuddling and watching weird movies (I can't remember what exactly they were but I wish they actually made them cuz they seemed bizarre) and I made this excuse and left and then realized that we were probably gonna break up in like a week so I might as well spend time with him and get some cuddles and sex and male attention out of the deal, so I had Female Unit drive me back. Then, somehow I was at my high school and Friend 1 was there (we didn't go to school together) and Metal Kevin was there and wanted to see us in the principal's office. I refused to see him cuz I figured he was just gonna break up with me and I didn't want to deal with that, especially at school, so I made Friend 1 talk to him for me. I really don't remember what was said. Then she came out and I decided I would go in and just break up with HIM and there was some weird EXTREMELY tall blonde girl in there and I totally thought it was his girlfriend (it wasn't) and she started yelling at me for hiding this toy McDonald's car from him and he was asking for it and no one else knew what he was talking about and he looked crazy (I vaguely remember there being a part where I actually did that, but it was waaay at the beginning and may have never actually occurred... I just thought it did.) so I was henceforth a negative impact on his life. I started yelling at her

and then Tuffy started barking to go outside and woke me up.

I guess I'll never know if he and I broke up or just stayed together.

I'm All Typed Out, Lately

Because I have taken my desperateness to a whole new level.

I put up a CraigsList personal ad.

A ton of guys have responded, so I've been writing to the potentially worth-while ones.

Sadly, I started talking to this guy hardcore yesterday and we were actually gonna hang out, but plans got messed up. He wants to hang out today. He seems like a funnyish, cool person, but he called me

AND HE HAS A TOTAL GIRL VOICE. He sounds GAY. Seriously. Sooo now I don't know what to do. How disappointing. I still may hang out with him, cuz it's kind of bitchy not to just cuz of his voice, but come on! How can I get to know someone if every time they open their mouth I'm trying not to laugh!?

I PROMISE 4-20/Liam/CraigsList replies SOON! Probably later today.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Don't. Ask.

I'm hanging out with Liam in twenty minutes.


Sunday, April 20, 2008


It is 4-20, everyone! And being the hippiebabyflowergirl that I am, I am going to spend it stooooned and happy with my ladies Friend 1, Death, and Brownie.

Yesterday was amAzing, sitting on a dock with the girls, talking about life and drinking screwdrivers, but I shall talk about it tomorrow when I let you know what The Foxy Foursome does to celebrate today!


Saturday, April 19, 2008

Everything With Us Is Tumultuous.

I won't go into details of yesterday, mainly because they don't matter. We went and saw music, went to parties, people across the road fought blah blah.

The main point of interest (to me at least) was my interaction with Liam.

So I call my friend and he's with a group of people, including Liam, and I'm like 'hey, people all left House Guy's so you can come over.' So they did, but then our friend kicked everyone out (except me and my ladies cuz we is cool like that) cuz House Guy wasn't there (even though he wouldn't have cared... but I am not about to argue with a huge black man.).

In the five-minute span of Liam actually being there, I completely trashed any sort of relationship we had, friendly, casual, or what have you. After years of dancing around the whole matter, I basically shot it in the face. And I'm totally proud of myself that I could do it so quickly and easily. Sick, isn't it?

I had his phone for a long time, cuz I was nice enough to go retrieve it from the woods where fucking retarded dropped it. I held onto it because it would give me and excuse to get him to see me. It never really worked out like and then I realized I didn't care, so I was prepared to give it back to him.

I walk into the room, and the first thing he says, no hello or anything, is 'where is my phone?' To myself, I'm thinking that he's a complete ass. I am right. So I respond 'what?' and the conversation proceeds thusly:

'Where is my phone?'
'My phone.'
'Okay, put it in your purse and then the next time you see me, give it to me.'
'What are you talking about?'
[Inaudible mumblings of frustration as he gives up and turns away so I know he's ignoring me.]

So then I take his phone out and throw it at him and walk into the other room. Except I hear him say 'finally.' This does not please me. Not at all.

So I go in there, little hothead that I am, and start talking in raised tones about how rude that is and how he didn't even thank me, etcetera etcetera. He thanks me and I tell him to fuck off cuz he had to be prompted.

Five minutes later and everyone is booted, except, as our enforcer friend said 'these fine ladies,' meaning me and my homies. So Liam pops his head in the door and says 'what if I make fine ladies appear?'.... yes. Meaning That Girl. I am officially pissed. I basically invited him and he goes and invites her? He HAS to be aware that I had some... romantic issues with him. Or else he's stupider than I thought. So enforcer friend says 'especially you have to go, Liam.' So I hop on the bandwagon of course and start railing on him about him leaving because hes an asshole than no one likes and that he should just accept that everyone hates him. He keeps walking to the door and back and finally says to me, 'bye, smelly.'

I take that and run with it. All the way to fucking China.

Back story: When Liam and I dated a million years ago, he had a body odor problem (Note: I noticed that he smelled a bit... ripe when we fucked that time. I had to hold back my laughter) that I constantly hinted to him about and he never got. There are incidences of him refusing my proffered deodorant and a friend of mine attacking him with air freshener just to beat back the smell. After I dumped him, I wrote about how he smelled bad on my website at the time. He saw it and IMed me asking, 'when did you decide I smell?' I told him always. I think I still have the AIM conversation saved on my old computer. Yeah. I'm one of those people.

So of COURSE I say 'I'm smelly? I'M smelly?!' and proceed to start telling everyone in the room the story you just heard. He just keeps popping his head in and out of the room, hearing more (oh yes I knew he was listening just outside the door. I used it to my advantage) until he finally says 'I can't believe you're doing this' and leaves for real.

It was then that I realized I broke the entire thing with three quick jabs. I don't care. Once again, I know he's stupid and a loser and an asshole who isn't good enough for me. He wasn't nice and never appreciated my gestures or made any attempts to help me build a friendship. He can fuck himself.

This morning, I woke my lappy up and there was an IM from him:

Liam: Snarkypants
Liam: im not sure why we we're yelling mean shit at eachother when i left

It's because I can't even look at you without being angry and hurt and confused and upset and I'm sick of trying because we WON'T be friends and you're a shallow asshole who can't see how good we'd be together and I don't even WANT you to see anymore cuz I don't want YOU because I hate you and you're not up to my standards.

That's why we were yelling mean shit.

Friday, April 18, 2008

First Day In Vintage Land!

Sorry... I was gonna lump this and the former together (I can't believe I just said lump... I can't stop thinking about it) but I felt Tuffy deserved her own.

But yeah, the shop isn't open yet (I still haven't decided if I'm going to post the actual name) so I spent four hours ironing.


I'M SERIOUS! My boss is SO FUCKING COOL and she brought her hilarious one-year-old again. The time FLEW by. And I LOVE working downtown. This street musician just set up shop right in front of us, playing acoustic guitar and singing (John Lennon, The Beatles, Sublime.. GOOD SHIT) and it was just SOOO COOOOOL.

And I was talking to Boss Lady and she said I was the ONLY person who dressed up for their interview. That's... bizarre in my opinion. Don't you want to come off as professional? Whatever.

ANYWAY, SOSOSO pleased with this job.

I Still... Don't Have The Words.

So Tuffy has a lymphatic tumor. 90% chance it's malignant.

So my baby basically has cancer.

I have no idea what we're gonna do. I'm just being as sweet to her as possible cuz I have no time frame yet of what's going on.

I'm so fucking scared.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Never Mind That Party Thang

Instead we're going to one on Saturday.

Now I need to find something else grand to do on my night offffff.

Tomorrow I start Vintage Job!

Should Be Interesting

So WOOOHOOO I don't have to go into work tonight. I was on call but they don't need me.

So I am free to go to a party with Marta, this really rad girl who was friends with Metal Kevin. I'm bringing Friend 1, but we won't know anyone else there. I'm really looking forward to meeting new people, but I just hope they're receptive to making friends.

I'm nervous and excited.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


Guess who I just ran into at the mall while I was working?




I feel completely bloated and fat and gross. I hate it. I hate my period and getting cravings for food and then gorging myself.

I hate that I have to go to work soon. And that I'm still sick. And that I totally wasted this nice weather day sitting in the house doing nothing.


I Get So Easily Sent On Tangents Of Obsession

So I was watching Tim And Eric Awesome Show Great Job! (love it, IMDB those guys, they also do Tom Goes To The Mayor) and I actually watched the credits for once (which is sad, as I've been watching this since it started... my attention span is so wack) and noticed the animation studio that did the bizarre intro.

So of course I Googled it and shit, and now I'm obsessed with finding his commercials (or anti-mmercials as he calls them) and videos and shit. They are so bizarre and spazzy. I love it. Very unique and they actually keep my attention.

Davy Force Anti-Mation. Check that shit out. Snapppps.

I so want to be friends with him.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Hurray! I Was Rooting For Her.

Ambre won Rock Of Love II. Daisy was an idiot.

Bret Michaels isn't such a bad guy. He's not completely gross like Flavor Flav. I hope he and Ambre actually work out cuz she seems like a real person and she deserves to be happy.

And I love that she was actually eliminated in the FIRST EPISODE, but some other chick decided to leave, so she got to stay. Fate.


This Blahg Is... For Not Her Eyes

I'm sitting on the living room couch typing this. Female Unit is watching Keith Olbermann (SNAPS. I love him) and was reading this over my shoulder.

She's like, 'who's Liam?'

Oh Christicles.

I Can't Believe It

Len and I just were cruising down town for a bit.

We saw Liam.

Walking with That Girl.

I can't believe my bad luck.

But like I said, even though I am better than him and don't want him and would never ever be with him,

I still am jealous.

Yarrr. I want a new, pretty, wonderful boy.

Humanizing Polygamists

I watched the entire first season of Big Love this weekend. I love it so much. The story lines are phenomenal, the acting is perfect, and the characters are so intricate it's beautiful.

And even though everyone hates Nicki, she does try to be a good person. When she fucks up she's usually just trying to do what she thinks is best. Who can blame her psychosis with her father being who he is?

IMDB that shit.

Wow. I Just Had A Thought.

Even If Christopher Mintz-Plasse never does another movie, he will ALWAYS be known as McLOVIN.


I love Superbad.

IMDB that shit.

Regarding Man Stylist 'Colin'

Never mind. He's not pretending to be straight. He's fucking FLAMING!


His clothes bashing similes are soooo harsh. BEAUTIFUL!

I still hate that stupid bitch though. Stacy? Is that her name?

Fuck Stacy.

HAHAHA I'm Watching That Show On TLC About The Midget Family

'Little People, Big World' or whatever the fuck it's called.

Hahaha they're visiting the Grand Canyon (think about how big it would seem to them haha) and Midget Dad is is afraid to go across it on this glass walkway thing cuz it's so high up and he can see it.

WHAT?! He KNOWS it's safe. Like they would let something that imperative have any possibility of collapsing. What a fucking idiot. I don't care if he's a midget or not, that's still retarded.

Regular Son (who is the youngest) prods him along. Hurray. Claps for you, Regular Son.

They showed a preview of the next episode shows Regular Son fighting Midget Twin (the former is taller than the latter). MUST SEE. I would be pissed to be Midget Twin, getting screwed out of being taller.

No, I didn't say 'normal,' because I don't have weird pointless prejudices against people who are 'different.' They're the same as anyone.

And Midget Mom and Regular Daughter have a girl day together. PRECIOUS!

Must see it.

IMDB that shit.

Ewww that show where the 'straight' guy and the fucking annoying bitch plastic surgery catastrophe come and give some poor woman 'fashion.' Okay, yeah it's kind of cool to show someone how to dress more flatteringly, thus giving more confidence and whatnot, Lady Stylist is a fucking cunt. A cuntbag. A cuntburger. And sometimes she takes away the quirkiness of the women themselves. So sad.

Anyway, I just remembered. I packed a bowl aaaages ago. I'm going to torch that shit. Grin.

And then watch Superbad, even though I am still WAY too intrigued by Michael Cera. It is so unhealthy, I don't even want to talk about it.

He is just too perfect for me though.

Now I want to go watch Clark And Michael ( oh my sweet chocolate JESUS it is hilarious. Snaps for them.).

But! It's My Day Off

So I'm going to cuddle with my dog, relax, and get reallllly happy while watching the trailer to Pineapple Express.

IMDB that shit, yo.

I still maintain that Seth Rogen is a foxy man. He is too hilarious to not have sex with.

Speaking Of Dogs...

My beautiful, beloved, and somehow not mentioned til now Yorkshire Terrier, Tuffy, went to the vet yesterday. Shots, blood drawn, the works. It was just standard checkup shit but of course it hurt her. Now she's slinking around, ears down, and shaking all the time cuz it probably still aches. I feel so terrible.


The vet found a lump in her neck. I'm so scared. I don't know what I'd do if it's actually something. I'm praying it's not. I love her too much.

I seriously don't know what I'm going to do when she dies. I'll probably lose my shit.

She's already nine years old.

I'm Sick As A Dog

So I've been basically working non-stop. And I'm super sick. Well, not super. But I do keep coughing up phlegm and my nose is terrible and my throat hurts and I have man-voice and I feel quite crappy.

My tootsies are getting quite the workout standing nine hours a day. So on Saturday, I was supposed to work four to nine-thirty, but NY&Co. called at ten asking me to come in one to six. But if the other chick didn't show at four thirty I'd have to stay til close. I said okay.

Of course the dumb bitch (who I SWEAR has some sort of mental deficiency... I'm not just being mean. I actually think she may be slightly challenged) never showed (apparently today is her last day so I guess she didn't care. Damn selfish retards) so I had to stay.

Then I got sick. And had to work more.

AND NOW I HAVE MY FUCKING PERIOD AGAIN. I guess last time was 'spotting' but it still fucking sucked. At least this time I'm actually supposed to have it.

After work Saturday, I hung out with Friend 1 and Eric, another friend. We got drunk in a school parking lot and talked about life (it sounds really losery and lame and creepy but it wasn't it was fun). And sex. Lots of sex talk. I ended up making a booty call to John (I KNOW I KNOW but I swear he really is history) but he was in bed or some shit. I'm glad. I was drunk and being stupid. I don't want him.

I've just realized the articles or clothing I'm wearing for pajammies are both white... with weird 'racing stripes.'

I am a sad case. Hahahaha.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Cheerleader! So-And-So! Whatsherface! The Ugly One!

So. Who remembers that?

I'm watching Strong Bad Emails right now. Looove it.

But Teen Girl Squad is my favourite of all favourites.

I remember I wanted to order a tanktop online and Female Unit wouldn't let me get it because on the back it said 'I Have A Crush On Every Boy' and she thought it was inappropriate.


So go catch up with Homestar and the gang, and if you've never seen the site, chiggedy-check it out. Hilarity will ensue.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Regarding Romance

We have all known for a long time that I have a fucked up past with relationships. All of them ended abruptly and basically on instinct, instituted by me. But only two guys (even though it was I who initially ended it) have still stuck with me, both of them because of how tumultuous our relationships were (With College Fuck, it was always this way, with Liam it has been going on since forevvvvver. Except now, cuz I am totally over it. Mostly.): I never knew where I stood with them. Were they mad, suddenly offended by insults they had laughed at minutes before? Did they want to talk about real, deep things? Things I was scared to tell people (Note: Both boys, except Liam only the first time around, were extremely interested in knowing the real, deep, broken, me. I refused to show them and severed our relationships)? Are they telling me to leave me alone? Are we going to get enough alone time that he'll kiss me?

It was either they wanted all or nothing. And I loved it. The uncertainty, the challenge, the chase. The fight for their affection. It was


This is what I want in a boy... but I want one who will eventually settle down and let me catch him.

Please Discount Mohawk John

What. A waste. Of time.

We never do anything or talk about anything meaningful or laugh. It's just lame. We smoked and he got all tired, like he always does, and wanted to sleep. Fucking BORING.

FUCK that. I'm not answering his calls any more. I told him so. To his face. Hahahaha.

He wasn't even a very good fuck. He was more like an A- regarding his hands hahahaha. And enthusiasm can't make up for actual skill.

He is totally deleted from my life.


I'm ecSTAtic. It's only two days a week in Summer (only one day a week til then) BUT I'M SO GLAD I'M JUST GOING TO BE A PART OF IT!

Also I'm hanging out with Mohawk John tonight. I think we're smoking, and then coming back to my house to watch Labyrinth. Mmmm David Bowie. Plus Jim Henson puppets? Fucking GENIUS.

I just wish I didn't have my damn period.


I Have A Spotty Past With Microwaves

QUESTION: Who just nuked a Rice Krispie Treat for waaay too long?

Answer: Snarkypant's borderline retarded self.

Yeah... the marshmallows basically disintegrated and then caramelized. It was super crunchy.

Yes I ate it hahahaha.

I invented a recipe for fruit salad. It is very easy, healthy. and delicious.

Rainbow Fruit Salad

Add as much of these items as you need for the portion (you can pretty much eat however much you want... as long as you brush your teeth!) you want. They MUST end up being a Roy G. Biv (with purple being representative of both end colours, haha) representation of fruitosity.

Strawberries and/or raspberries
(Red apples are possible but untested)

Clementines and/ or oranges


Green grapes and/or kiwi


Purple grapes and/or blackberries

Chop/slice/ peel that deliciousness up and throw it in a bowl

Fruit is always healthy.

Add however much Cool Whip (I prefer extra creamy)
It's only 25 calories a tablespoon.

Mix fruit and Cool Whip while periodically adding as much sugar as you want.
Sugar has like no calories. Just make sure to brush like I said before.

Mix again.

Eat with a spoon



I'm basically retarded.

BUT I WILL ARGUE TO THE DEATH WITH SOMEONE that this could be considered healthy.

Now I'm going to go back to eating mine.

And watching videos on

I eat that shit up.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008



Monday, April 7, 2008

I Know, I Am A Terrible Blahgstress

QUESTION: Who called in twice to work during her first week of employment?


QUESTION: Who almost got fired after her boss called her house and talked to her Female Unit who informed The Boss that there was in fact no family emergency, I don't know where Snarkypants is, and she wasn't sick on Wednesday?


I freaked out. I thought I was gonna get bitched out by The Boss. Who is five feet tall and SCARY. But she didn't yell at me, I made good excuses, and it's all peachy keen now.

I am such a failure at this whole 'being employed' thing.

But I DID get mah first pay check! Something like $99.34. Not bad for a week's worth of work where I basically open fitting rooms for people and fold shit. Although some woman yesterday basically made me a personal shopper for her daughter. I was nervous at first cuz I'm basically fashionably retarded, but it worked out fine.


It was my second time with him. His name is Mohawk John, although he no longer has a mohawk. I also almost ruined his band cuz I was flirting with him (lead vocals, backup guitar) and the lead guitarist. He was the one who forgave me. Plus, I met him first (on MySpace... I make terrible choices that usually end up great hahahaha) and liked him more.


Finger work: A, almost got me off.

QUESTION: Who has never had an orgasm?

ANSWER: Me. My life is sad. I've tried everything (except a vibrator... WHICH I WANT) and it doesn't work, no matter what my mental state or how relaxed I am. It's all very depressing.

Mouth work: D, didn't really do anything for me and I ended up cutting him off and telling him to just FUCK ME. He tried to argue about foreplay but I won.

Actual sex: B-, it was pretty decent, but ehh, kind of boring. Whatever.

Plus both of our stamina is reallllly low.

Overall enthusiasm: A+. The boy tried, he really did. He was all cuddling with me and kissing my forehead and I was just like 'WHERE IS THE SEX?' I am such a dude.

Anyway, I needed layage v. v. badly. So I am pleased.


Moving on, Saturday night I hung out with Len and this girl who I know through my ex-boyfriend. She is waaay cool and I hope we hang out more and often cuz I'd like to expand my social circle. Well... meet more boys.


BUT it is my day off, even though Female Unit is home so I can't do anything fun. IE drugs or have boys over for teh s3x. Even though the only boy I could call is Mohawk John and he is at work. I also CAN'T beat this one stage of Amateur Surgeon, Act II on


I promise to try to update every day with mah shit instead of massive posts about myriad things.

Friday, April 4, 2008



Details tomorrow.


Thursday, April 3, 2008

Vintage Job Interview

It went really well. The owner is fly and her one year old son is adorrrrable.

The only thing is, it's working one to three days a week. I kinda wanted this to be my full time job. So if I get it, I AM SO TAKING IT, but I have to keep NY&Co. too.

Oh well, it'll be soooo worth it.


Also, Friend 1 and I, along with our girls Death and Brownie (Brownie is Friend 2 from Rainbow Party) are house hunting downtown! WOO!

I swear my thoughts are really jumbly today. Bear with me.

Boy Zone: This boy Mohawk John (who coincidentally no longer has a mohawk) wants to play with me today. I am down. He's tall and goofy and Snarkypants needs some lovin'. I haven't seen much of him for a very long time. He always ends up passed out somewhere. But oh well. We've never actually hung out one-on-one so I'm kind of nervous. Also, sex-wise, I couldn't be bothered to shave my legs (or anything else) this morning, so I have, what, a week's worth of fur? Oh well. Embarrassing, maybe slightly, but more convenient to just go au natural? Definitely.

I need to go unwiiiiind.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

You Can't Even Write This Shit.

A class of third graders planned to kidnap and murder their teacher.


I really should write something based on that.


Oh Well, I Don't Mind Talking To Myself

I am playing hooky from work. I just felt like it. Yesterday was notttt a day off, and tomorrow won't be either.

No no no, this will not become a regular occurrence.


Tuesday, April 1, 2008


If anyone is reading this, even just these few words and nothing previously written, even if you have stumbled upon a mistake and do not intend to ever visit again,

please leave a comment.

Just so I can know if someone is actually listening.


I've Become Self-Actualized... APRIL FOOLS!

So: Tourney.

That Girl didn't show. I was glad, but I don't care.

I've realized that, as stated before, Liam is no where near good enough for me. No job, no school, no life. All he does is sit around a say stupid things so people will think he's all philosophical and deep. He isn't. So it became clear to me that in fact, I am not interested in him. I have no feelings for him. If he were to throw himself at my feet and beg me for forgiveness and to love him forever, I'd tell him to fuck off and die.

But, as is the way of Snarkypants, there is a catch.

As much distaste as I have for him, I will still be jealous if and when he's all flirty and makey-outy with other girls. I know, fucked right? But that's how it is. At least I'm not pining. I barely think about him any more.

And yeah, last time I said I hated him (and told him that, and ignored him, and he brought his girlfriend to the party we were at, and I looked terrible in my Toga) we ended up fucking (I don't regret it, but I know it was a mistake), this time I mean it. All these years of being hung up on him are over. He is not the boy I liked. He has morphed into a sad loser who even gets shit talked about him by the people he considers his best friends. The only people who actually like him are silly, manipulatable girls who he tricks into thinking he's special.

ANYWAY, so he and That Girl are still conversing (more and more frequently... godspeed, That Girl) over Fizzlebizzle (Facebook) and I keep tabs and get pissed, but I don't emotionally care anymore.


It was a shitton of fun, even though some people (who had no chance of winning it anyway) took shit waaay too seriously and harshed my mellow a couple of times.

For example, we played this one team. They shot their balls (missed) and one rolled between two tables. So Len shot while I retrieved the ball. I washed it off, shot, and MADE THEIR LAST CUP, and the fat piece of shit bitch we were playing claimed I'd already shot and was taking a second. She even called House Guy over to ref, and since he didn't want to start anything, he just said scrap it and do a re-shoot. We ended up losing the fucking game. Bullshit, I tell you.

OH, and I ended up playing Liam, who unfortunately ended up paired with the best pong player ever so we lost to them. We could've totally beat him and anyone else, but the gods were against us. AND, the ONE SHOT he made he BANKED OFF MY TITS. Which sucked, cuz our team uniforms were v. v. big on the cleavage. Oh well. We looked bomb as hell.

Also, Sidenote: Liam ended up being a retarded and fucking his hand up by putting in through a window. I was super nice and like nursed him and he didn't even care. What a waste of time. I won't bother being nice to that asshole ever again.

So, the tourney was pretty bomb over all. I had a grand time.

On to the work situation.

Still at NY&Co., but I have my vintage interview on Thursday. My feet are way pussies and hurt so bad when I stand all day. It's a bit better when I'm hopped up on excessive amounts of Ibuprofen. I still want the vintage job, but getting downtown from Suburbia will be hard. I will make it work.

Other than that, things are pretty basic. Oh, and today is my day off so Female Unit took it upon herself to take the day off as well so we could 'practice riding the bus.' So much for a fucking day off. I actually just got back and there was much fighting and lecturing and shit and it was stupid. As I was typing part of this in fact, she was sitting in her telling me it's not her fault that I'm not independent. Uhm, actually, never letting me figure anything out for myself is why I'm so crippled at doing things on my own.


I want to do something completely foolish tonight.