Saturday, March 29, 2008

Details Coming Soon

The tourney was soooo fun. There were some Liam incidences. And The Guy from Rainbow Party came just for me basically and we circled around each other all night. I need verbal foreplay though and it reached it's climax JUST as he was leaving.

He was so about to kiss me.

But then I shook it off.

I should've made out with him. I haven't gotten any nookie in foreverrrrr.

Friday, March 28, 2008

The Bus

DIDN'T. FUCKING. COME. I sat outside freezing my ass off for 45 minutes. So now I called a cab. Another twelve bucks, down the drain.

But waiting at the bus stop was kind of peaceful. Lonely, in a good way. I was glad there was no one else there. And the newly returned birds and their chirping provided a great harmony to the Death Cab For Cutie I was listening to.

Off to work I go, ferrealz this time.

Murphy's Law

So of course as soon as I get the NY&Co. job, the vintage store calls me. I have an interview on Thursday morning. I want it sososo bad, but transportation may be a problem. And Female Parental Unit brought up that I may end up working alone in th store, which I don't know how I feel about. Oh well, I'll just ask questions and find out what the dillio is.

Friend 1 also applied there after I told her about it. It would break my heart if my Units wouldn't let me work there and she was doing my dream job without me. Best case scenario- we get to work there together. That would be bomb, boss, rad, gnarly, and all those other terms you crazy kids use.

So On-Boarding wasn't completely retarded like I thought it would be. I didn't have to touch that stupid workbook. All I did basically was greet people and shadow (follow around, stalk, whatev) the manager, who isn't bad. I ish learned the cash register but all the shizz for returns and gift cards is confusing. I'll get the hang of it.

I work today, 1 to 6, but because I am special (ed) and don't drive, I get to take the bus today! Joyous! AND since the bus system in Madisonia is wacked out, I have to take an early one and wait around the mall for an hour. Barnes And Noble, watch out.

I'll try to make some observations on the ride today so you can all feel like you took The Glorious Bus Adventure with me.

Pong tourney tonight. I'm nervous and going to be stressing over the thought of Liam and That Girl all day.

On the plus side, I've basically been not eating for a couple of days and I've lost five ell-bees since being home. I'm still grotesquely obese (in my eyes) but it's a start.

Wish me luck and have a grand weekend.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Regarding Yesterday's... Wait For It

VIDEO TRAINING! I forgot to mention that yesterday, along with filling out papers, I had the privilege of viewing the New York & Company Official On-Boarding Videos. These included such exciting and fun filled segments as:

Not to worry, the assistant manager ASSURED me that the goals for 2008, read by the endearing creepy uncle founder, would be here soon!

I learned a lot from this segment. Like how many different types of metal the gold jewelry is dipped in, what a cuff bracelet is, and that the entire 'hand be-jeweled jewelry' staff is entirely made up of depressed and over made-up (probably for the visiting cameras) Hispanic women.

If a customer won't let you spray shit on them, explain to them that you are going to put some on your OWN hand, do so, and then shove it into their face and force them to smell it. They've GOTTA want it now! Note: Every customer, no matter what their previous objections, will mention at least THREE TIMES how great whatever scent they sampled is. If they fall short or especially if they DON'T MENTION THE FRAGRANCE AS ALL, get a manager immediately. This customer is a secret terrorist.

Not actually what the segment was called, but there is no way in FUCK that I am going to harass some poor person in a dressing room until they deny it AT LEAST THREE TIMES. That's what the fucking Male Salesman (aka trying to increase diversity and the myth that men would ever work there) told me.

If you want to see all this (And More!) just apply for a job at your local New York & Company and the cinema magic will haunt your dreams for decades!

Embarassing Questions

Who, at age nineteen, plays pot tops as if they were cymbals?

Why, me of course.

My life is so sad. Hahahaha.


Moving on after that bit of Multiple Personality Disorder... oh wow. I just thought of something. What if someone just had a Personality Disorder? Someone whose personality is just innately sucky? You can't really truly change your personality. You'd be living a sham of a life. Dissssmal.

Hahahahaha I swear I know some retarded Those Girls like that who don't actually seem to have a personality. I'd rather be who I am than have guys chase me for no substantial reason. I will be wanted for who I am, not what I look like. WERD.

This is getting pretty heavy, yo, so now here are some more embarrassing questions.

(Note: All questions involve something that has happened in like the last twenty minutes. I swear to god I am so awkward that it hurts to exist. But I share it with you, my darlings, because I don't mind a laugh at my expense to bring a smile to your rosy-cheeked little faces)

Who sets a wet sponge on fire, totally burning the edge, and then trims the burnt shit on it with the kitchen scissors?

Me, and yes, I washed them off.

Who then spends a good two minutes letting water run like a wasteful asshole because she is intrigued by the idea (and also the practice, which she was doing. Fortunately alone, because if anyone saw her she would be hauled off to the nut house with all the nuts and the squirrels) of cutting the running water with aforementioned kitchen scissors and photographing it?

I fear I will never find anyone who appreciates my little joys and clumsy stories. Le sigh.

And now That Girl is signed up to play pong tomorrow two. Luckily, not against Liam, But I HAVE to do better than her. I don't know why. I don't even want him anymore (lie, but not that MUCH) but I just need to prove I am at least superior in some aspect.

Gargargar I hope tomorrow is fun and I am not distressed by those two retards' antics.

Pee Ess: I go in for my 'On-Boarding' (training... which they could've just called 'Training,' but nooo, they need a kicky, pseudo-corporate name to trick all the sad people who end up spending their lives managing that processed sack of fashion lies that their lives aren't so sad. FUCK THIS NINE TO FIVE SHIT!) with the manager tonight. I have a fucking WORK BOOK with COMPREHENSION QUESTIONS. YOU HAVE TO BE 18 TO WORK THERE. I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. How retarded do they think people are. Chrisssst.

I have to put together three outfits. Sounds, sorta fun, right? WRONG. Then you have to fill out a fucking WORK SHEET writing fucking PARAGRAPHS about which one is your favourite and why. What the hell is this!?

So that's what I have to look forward to from six to half-past nine. Woo. And then I get to work almost full time tooling around.

I hate that this is what I have to do to earn money.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Ha Ha, Jay-Kay, Maybe I AM Responsible. Ish.

Yeah I ended up going. I took a cab instead of da bus.

It was just filling out forms...

... and watching instructional videos. Oh, my god. So sad. I rolled my eyes so many times I'm surprised they didn't get stuck up in my head. There was an entire section on where their jewelry comes from and how it's made and shit. Not interesting, like the salesgirl/actress claimed it was, and most definitely not entertaining.

I work basically every day the rest of the week and the coming week. Yarrr.

In other news, I shoplifted by mahself (as opposed to having someone else gank things for me) for the first time today. At age 19. I'm definitely a badass. It was this pink push-up bra from Macy's (my Friday pong partner Len and I are excessively boobless [even though she is totally tall and uber-model skinny... bitch] and are probably gonna wear two push-ups a piece to give us Maximum Cleave) and it's cute. Len and I have decided we will use the art of distraction as opposed to having any actual skill at the game. I'm not the bad, usually, but she says she's no good, which is fine cuz we'll look fly and it'll be fun anyway.

Still not looking forward to seeing Liam and That Girl together. Gargargar STOP CARING STOP CARING STOP CARING!!!

Currently Skipping Work To Write

She covered the room in an ocean of blues. Knobby-soft under her bare feet, the cerulean hand-made rug she found at a little hippie shop run by a former Grateful Dead groupie who went by the name Topaz. Turquoise scarves-turned-curtains, studded with tiny plastic beads that clung to them like perfect water droplets and found at the flea market by the legendary Haight. Strands of glass the colour of a perfect Summer sky brushed her shoulders every time she came through her little white door (now painted with various elephants, unicorns, ducks, all of them blue) to her new home. But it didn't feel new. It felt like she had belonged there all her life.

I am a terrrrrrible nine-to-fiver. STOP LETTING ME DO BAD THINGS, SELF!

Bad, Bad Sales Associate!

So I'm supposed to start training at NY&Co. today and I have to take this retardedly complicated buss route.

I'm seriously considering saying the bus never came and just telling that to my mom and calling the place and telling them too.

I am terrrrrrible.

I need to start working on my writing again. Perhaps next time I will treat you with a bit of prose. Here's to hoping for inspiration.

Including Excessive Winking Emoticons

So That Girl and Liam have been corresponding via Facebook Walls and it's making me ill.

She is a nice girl but seemingly pretty empty headed. She wouldn't be able to keep up with him. Not that he cares, because she is one of Those Girls and he will make excuses for her and pretend she's all deep and mysterious simply cuz he wants a hot piece of ass to claim as his own.

I shouldn't be upset because the more I analyze this, the more I realize, no, he couldn't handle me, no he isn't right for me, and most importantly, no he's not GOOD ENOUGH for me.

But I'm still bothered, I still think he's an asshole, and I'm still dreading seeing them interact at the beer pong tourney I'm playing in.

The pools are set but I asked House Guy to change it so I can play against him and kick his ass. We'll see if he obliges my request.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

This Would Be The Most Awkward Party Ever

So I dreamt (which according to my spell checker is not a word, but it's the way I pronounce it SO THE BAD SPELLING STAYS!) that I was at a party at House Guy's house. And for some reason my mom was there. Here are flashes of things I remember:

I was sitting on a couch drinking a cup full of vodka. There was no chaser left so I was chasing it with strawberries. For some reason I kept pouring the contents of this packet full of powder in my mouth before I took a drink, cuz it was supposed to be the flavour of the vodka (kind of like those packets you get with Ramen).

Then I was sitting by my mom at this kitchen table (that doesn't actually exist) drinking vodka from a bowl (what a little lush) and these people came in and I told them it was five bucks to drink. And my mom started ARGUING with me about it, and I was like 'Uhm, shut up, I need money' or something along those lines.

I walked into a bedroom and Friend 1 and House Guy and other people were playing Super Smash Brothers. I was like 'is this on N64?' and Friend 1 said 'I can't imagine what this would look like on a Wii.' Then I mouthed to her 'where is Liam?' and at that moment he burst through the door, said something unintelligible, and left. I followed him because I am messed up in da head. So we go into the hallway (it was just like House Guy's real one) and I'm like 'why is the shower running?' Then I start knocking on this other door asking who is in the bathroom, when I realize I am knocking on a bedroom door and durr, I just mentioned someone in the shower behind another door. So I go in there and I think Liam followed and then another guy friend just appeared and pulled back the shower curtain. Inside was by best friend from eighth grade and this senior in high school guy I met not long ago. They were clothed and soaking wet, except dude had no pants on. I totally saw his (tiny) cock. Then that guy friend decides to jump in with them and they do not approve, so they like throw him out. He asks me to kiss his cheek to make him feel better, so I do.

And that, officer, is all I remember.

WARNING: Completely Anticlimactic

So Liam went over to his friend's house and they smoked with his dad, so they were too faded to come hang out. I didn't even see him.

I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Current Boy Shit

I don't feel like going into details of the weekend. Liam and I were flirty, I was confused, blah blah.

Saturday night I was excited that I'd see him again. That was, til this one chick showed up. Don't get me wrong, her and I are kind of friends and I think she's a cool person, but she is totally one of those girls. Tiny, thin, super blonde, giggles a lot, fucking all around sexy and adorable.

You can see where this is going.

He saw her and immediately (literally, along with all the other penises at the party) started following her around like a fucking stray dog.

Just to summarize: They made out. He kept calling me a cock block. I drank more wine. I ended up snapping at Friend 1 (see? I fuck up too) and just being a general ass.

He was sitting by the door when I left. He was all 'Snarkypants, what is your problem?' I basically told him to shut the fuck up and that I hated him and I never wanted to see or talk to him again. In waaay more words than that. It was like a 30 second bitchfest.

And apparently when Friend 1 left, he was like 'are you going to be mad at me for no reason like Snarkypants?'

NO REASON? What a douche.


So my friend just called. He is going to hang out with a group of people. Including Liam. I am invited to join.

I'm so going.

Oh god oh god.

I need to go get ready.


I Am Officially EMPLOYEED.

No, not at the vintage shop (but there is still hope! I just got another follow up email today. I would totally quit what I have now for that... even though it's not THAT bad) but at NY&CO. Yeah, it's $7.75 and hour but that's better than nothing. I'll take what I can get.

The thing is, their clothes are nice, but totally not my style, so I don't know if I'll ever even use my employee discount.

I go in Wednesday to start training. WOOT!

I Promise, Updates Soon!

They will be very terrible and dramatic because... shit has gone down. Boy shit. Liam shit.

Just wait, my darlings, we can all cry together soon!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

And On The Jorb Front--

The NY&Co. thing went fine. I have an interview with the forrealz manager on Friday.

But they are contacting my previous employers.

Okay... my last job. Shitty Shoe Store (SSS). I was hired by this chill dude, it was fine. Slow work and boring sometimes, but tolerable. Then the chill dude (read: Manager) left, and the assistant manager (Read: Big fat bitch) took over. She never liked me and made it apparent. It didn't help that this chick who worked there that I THOUGHT was my friend told Fatass Bitch that I called her (Fatass Bitch) a bitch. She hated me even more. Yay!

There was this one time (it had happened once before, but this time it was the final straw) that my shift started at five. I was there at five exactly, went and put my coat away, and was on the sales floor at five-oh-two.

Cunt said I was late and SENT ME HOME. Better yet, she DIDN'T EVEN DO IT HERSELF. She had one of her ass-kissing peons do it.

So I never actually quit. She just stopped giving me hours (but didn't take my name off the schedule for six months. HAHAHAHAHA) and I just didn't quit.

So I have NO CLUE what she's gonna say about me.

Still holding out for the vintage job. She said she'd love to meet me and would call later this week. THIS WAITING IS KILLING ME!

The One That Got (Read: The One I Sent) Away.

Okay, the story I am going to tell you has hells of backstory, but I shall fill you all in eventually. It's kind of an ongoing thing.

I have this ex. We can call him Liam. Now, we dated AGES ago (fall of sophomore year) and I was a bad girlfriend blah blah dumped him rhubarb rhubarb. Anyhoo, we roll in the same circle of friends and we tease each other, me sometimes getting out of hand... cuz that's what I do (he does too, but not as often. I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE AT FAULT!). So we have a strange relationship.

SO, Sunday night. Chilling playing Wii at my friends house with some pallies. Liam calls. No one wants to talk to him or wants him to come over so they are ignoring the ringing phone. I decide to be nice and answer. We talk for a bit and then he quite rudely asks me to put someone else on. We were getting along that morning (he crashed at the Rainbow house for no real reason) so this pisses me off. So I say, 'No one else wants to talk to you. That's why I answered the phone' and I hang up on him.

He calls back on another friend's phone and asks to talk to me. He proceeds to yell at me, bleh bloo blee I never want to talk to you again, you are so mean, whatevs whatevs. I play the defense card and hang up again.

Then I feel bad so I leave a voicemail apologizing, saying how I get really defensive around him and I don't know why.

I totally know why. Kind of.

A little while ago, there was this couple of months where I was completely convinced that Liam was my soulmate. I don't know, we just challenge and match each other really well. It's bizarre. But anyway. So FINALLY, we hang out one on one. And it's lame as fucccck. So I'm like, yeah, totally over it. Which I was. But I still get nervous when I see him and hope he'll talk to me. I always want him to show up at parties I'm at and flirting with him is a blast (except he apparently was flirting with my friend [another of his exes, the girlfriend after me. Both his relationships after me have been super long and serious and he has treated the girls terribly. With my friend, I guess after the fact she realized how he always talked down to her and made her feel bad and do things she really didn't want to do. He cheated on his most recent with more than one girl. Yeah... one was me. But that is a story for another day. I just worry that I screwed him up. We only dated a couple months but he was super nice to me and I treated him like shit... which is once again another story. God. Long set of brackets.] which made me mad [Read: Jealous] and shit).

That was probably the most confusing paragraph everrrrrrrr.

ANYWAY. I called my dude friend cuz I was chilling with some lady friends (yeah, including Friend 1) and he was with Liam. I was trying to get us all together,
1) Cuz we were bored.
2) I wanted to see Liam.
3) He listened to the message I left him and forgave me.

ANYHOO, I tell them I'll call after we get done eating at Noodles & Company. We go and eat and sit there talking about how rad it would be if a group of cute guys walked in. Just then, this car pulls over and this dude starts getting out. I'm like 'hoooly shit guys, LOOK!' And so we all look and decide he's a babe. And I'm sitting there GAWKING AT HIM and he turns around.

It's Liam. How did you know?

Anyway, the lads joined us early, and we all had fun. Smoked some happiness, Hookahed on my porch, took a walk in the woods, just chilled. Then everyone wanted to leave


but he'd have no way home so he couldn't.

Yes, ladies and gents, I do not have my license. I am a sad excuse for a nineteen year old.

But yes. So that is what has been up with him the last couple days. I'm v. v. confused, I really don't think he's interested (though my friends do... I think they're just trying to be nice) and I really don't want to deal with being insecure and worried about one stupid boy all the time. So what now? I have no blooming idea.

Just a tidbit to leave you with:

Friend 1's sister, whom I am friends with, apparently told Friend 1 that 'the only guy she could think of that could handle me' is Liam.

Oi vey.

Saint Patrick Was Ascetic.

So my friends and I boycotted that Saint Pattie's party in lieu of our own fun. We got eight of our awesomest homies together and hookahed in my friend's van (it was too cold and rainy to go to the park, unfortunately). Then someone pulled out a bottle of Kangaroo Wine (Yellowtail, for those who aren't me and insane) and we passed that. It was very nice and I was in a very happy spot.

Half the group defected cuz they promised people they'd show up (lots of people wanted us there too but we STAYED STRONG) so the rest of us went and smoked some happiness. The three ladies that remained after the others got cold ended up singing M2M (90s Norwegian pop) under a streetlight in the middle of the night.

Prettttty fly.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Not The Vintage Store But...

I put in an application for New York & Company today. The manager or whatever was at the counter and the one I turned it in to. I have an interview or something tomorrow at five. It's probably standard for everyone who turns one in but whatev.


More Like Whinypants

Yeah that last post was a bitchfest. But this is the perfect place to vent so suck my hypothetical cock if you don't like it. Teehee.

Also, I had a dream last night about having sex with my ex-boyfriend. It was just as unsatisfying as real life. HAHAHAHA.

Rainbow Party Results:

Uhm. For me at least, it kind of blew. I was so stressed over everything, I planned by myself, I cleaned by myself, I decorated by myself. It SHOULD have been good.

But dude whose house we were using took it upon himself to invite his retarded friends who messed up the place and dude expected ME to clean it up. First of all, I had planned on cleaning up anyway, but it's bullshit when the people who were ACTUALLY INVITED BY THE HOSTESSES didn't make the mess. Secondly, the house is fucking DISGUSTING, Post-party or not. I cleaned the hell out of the place pre-party, doing things that he should've done himself. The place is ALWAYS nasty and I single-handedly made it tolerable. LASTLY, HE WAS BEING A DICK ABOUT THE WHOLE THING. He kept throwing shit on the floor saying 'you're just going to sweep it up later.' You can't sweep up nasty alcohol soaked fruit. Shit sticks to the floor. You have to go after it by hand and I am not about to do that just cuz he felt like being an asshole.

So- He gave me an ultimatum. On my Facebook Wall of all places. Something like 'COME CLEAN OR YOU'RE BANNED FROM MY SAINT PATTIE'S PARTY.' Fuck that noise. I don't have any desire to see his selfish ass or go to another lame party (his version involves getting a keg and just telling people to come over. Woo, fun times).

Sidenote: Throughout the whole planning thing he was a douche and a half. He said we could start soaking the fruit for the punch on Thursday, then changed his mind and said we'd do it Friday. Friday rolls around and he decides he's going to throw an impromptu party for this one guy and buys a keg. He's 'so busy' 'planning' that we can't do it. Saturday, it turns out that NO ONE FUCKING DRANK THE BEER so he wants to sell HIS cups at OUR party. Let me make this clear: there is no way in fuck I can actually afford this party. I spent ALL the money I had expecting to make it back (Side-Side Note: Friend 1, Friend 2, and I threw this party. Friend 1 ended up spending NO MONEY on ANYTHING and ended up being the one to divvy money between Friend 2 and me. She gave HER ten bucks more than she spent, and me ten bucks LESS than I spent. So I came out in the negatives. And I can't even say anything to Friend 2 cuz she bought booze and I bought decorations and candy and everything else but she'll be all 'booze is more important' and then douche who owns the house [who is also fucking Friend 2] will agree with her and then everyone will gang up on me as usual. Fuck that. But more about the bogusness of Friend 1 soon.). He ended up giving us the keg for whatever retarded reason.

Next on the list of complaints...

Ah Friend 1. How sad you make me. And you call yourself my best friend?

Please note that I have forgiven her and everything is 'good' now. It still hurts to be betrayed but whatever. But a girl still needs to vent.

Friend 1 gave me the screen name of Some Guy, a friend of hers. We started talking a couple weeks ago and he was coming to the party. I was super worried he wouldn't like me or find me attractive but super excited he was coming. So he gets to the party. We talk a bunch and maybe flirt (I don't even know how to distinguish flirting anymore) and we were both crashing there so in my head I was like, sweet, I'm gonna get some.

Wrong again, Little Snarkster.

We are sitting on a couple mattresses (Some Guy, Friend 1, another chick friend, a dude friend of Some Guy, and I) and Friend 1 is next to Some Guy. I keep looking from him to her trying to hint, and finally I just whisper 'you should switch places with me.' Her response? 'I don't feel like it.' BRILLIANT!

So, the five of us are laying on two mattresses side by side. Well, basically there are two couples, each one on a mattress, and me laying in the crevice. Oh oh, but it gets better (worse)! Not only do chick friend and Some Guy's friend start kissing and like stroking each other, FRIEND 1 AND SOME GUY BEGIN FUCKING MAKING OUT. RIGHT NEXT TO ME. WHEN SHE KNEW I WAS INTERESTED. This is the same friend who I told that I might actually like Some Guy. She told me to go for it. Yeah. Thanks.

AND, I repeatedly ASKED THEM TO STOP. I have no idea how many times I threw around the term 'inconsiderate friend.' But did she listen? Did she stop? Of course not. And I mean they were having LOUD, SLURPY makeouts with audible groping. With me, the one who was supposed to be set up by my best friend with the guy she is currently macking on THE SAME FUCKING MATTRESS.

Other chick friend was WAAAAAAAAAY more considerate. She kept apologizing and they definitely kept their makeouts to a minimum.

It's not even so much that there were people around me making out while I wasn't (okay, that was a factor. I am completely lonely and that just made it ten times worse) but that someone who is supposed to be my BEST FRIEND would betray me and knowingly hurt me like that. It isn't even about the guy; it's about what a shitty, inconsiderate friend she is.

But wait! There's more!

I was like a quarter of the way asleep, and all of the sudden, the mattress starts moving. Rhythmically. Up and down.

Yeah. My best friend. The guy she set me up with that she knew I was into. Fucking. Right next to me.


Other grievances: She didn't pay for ANYTHING AT ALL, yet ended up taking the extra booze home and shafting me on getting my money back. That morning when we were buying decorations and shit, she just wouldn't stop ripping on me and saying how hostile I was (which I am, but I wasn't in the situations where she claimed I was) which got House Owner Douche to join in (they used to date too) which got Friend 2 involved. So it was basically everyone against me. Again. I was fighting back tears that entire day. And then I got to go to Douche's house and clean by myself because no one would help me. Yay! She also did nothing for the part except set some fruit and gummy worms in booze and mix one thing of punch. Oh wow, so hard.

So yeah, didn't have fun, didn't even get drunk, best friend slept with the guy she knew I liked, didn't make my money back, expected to clean up EVERYTHING (and now that I didn't, I know I'm basically banned from every party he ever throws. Boo hoo). Fuck this party. I basically spent the entirety of yesterday afternoon (til I was rescued by some homies and Wii) crying.

I didn't even get to see my own pinata, let alone hit it or get candy from it.

Other people had fun so I guess that's all that matters.

Also, I had the most colourful outfit by far. I think I looked really cute. Not that it mattered.

And that was The Rainbow Birthday Party Extravaganza.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

I Swear It Won't Turn Into One Of 'Those' Blahgs

I know Joel got little miss Nicole Richie knocked up, and even though she's no Riot Girrl (um, Joel? THAT SONG WAS A LIE. HILLARY DUFF? What was with THAT bullshit?!) but I love her. On The Simple Life shes hilarious and a total dick while Paris just sashays around calling things hot. WASTE OF SPACE ALERT.

Seriously, I am heartbroken. I LOVE Good Charlotte (yes, still)! Their first two albums were boss and their third wasn't bad (don't even mention the fourth to me. I'd rather pretend its techno bullshit didn't exist) and they are still rad as fuck even though I'm no longer in middle school.

SO PLEASE, BENJI. I see where you're coming from: The dumpier of twins gets a 'hot,' super-tall, super-thin model. But can beauty really make up for brains? Hellz no. DUMP THAT SLUT.

I guesstimate they will be broken up by late April to early May.

At least I hope so.


no job yet. My favourite vintage (and I mean hardcore 40s, 50s vintage) store is hiring and I put in an application, but have gotten no word from them (nor anyone else) which is Bummerville. But I shall keep you updated.

ALSO, my homie I'm co-hosting Rainbow Extravaganza on Saturday with has found a rainbow top that she got in ages past. So we went on a quest for rainbow-tastic clothes and came back with


I'm spazzing cuz this is the first party I've thrown and I'm going to look like a pile of retards if I don't find something rad.


Also, it is my nineteenth birthday today. Huffah!

Monday, March 10, 2008


So I have no time to post anything more than this right now cuz I am completely CONSUMED with looking for work.

I just applied at my favourite vintage store and I reallly hope I get the job. Even though I have to ride the bus for two million hours with a bunch of creepers to get there.

It would be so worth it.

And I could totally Blahg about my bus experiences!

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Haunted By Overpriced Moose

So I went to Abercrombie and Fitch for the first time in my life yesterday. Okay, so it was an outlet store but still. The snobby ambiance was still there.

It was NOT my choice to go. My uncle, who obviously doesn't know me at ALL, sent me a giftcard. I am basically morally opposed to shopping at places like A&F and Banana Republic, but I had to spend this shit

And yeah, I got a few tops and they aren't bad


So, The Moose. It has invaded my dreams.

Yesterday while my mom was out of the room for a minute... I totally stole one of my roommate's rings. Yeah yeah, I'm a klepto piece of shit but she's a big pile of douche so she deserved it. The ring is small and silver with little birds on it (I may take a picture and post it).

I totally dreamt that I was looking at the ring upside down and what I thought were birds were ACTUALLY MOOSE. It was a bloomin' Abercrombie ring. I was PISSED. So I decided to just wear it upside down and feign ignorance to the antlered bastards on my thumb.



I am officially back in Madison.

It is officially two forty-six in the morning.

I am officially going to bed.

Just wanted it known that I accomplished my goal for shizz.


Friday, March 7, 2008


Observation: The straw wrappers here have a distinct pattern printed on them. It matches the design on the cups. The 'art' is probably copyrighted.

What. The fuck. Why does everything have to be all unnecessarily decorated?

Please recall what I said in the last post:

I am still drunk from last night. Bahahaha.

Observation: Tom Goes To The Mayor (which I am currently watching) has hella gay and pedophilic undertones. It's creepy, yet hilarious.

Observation: I am watching the episode guest starring Sarah Silverman. I effing love her, just like all white people ( and by the way that site is DEAD ON and completely brilliant. I like about 97% of everything mentioned.). I must say though that my favourite episode is season two, episode fifteen: Undercover. It was actually on recently. And it also guest stars Michael Cera. Who I am becoming pathetically obsessed with.

I think if we ever met he'd like me. Is that stupid? Hahaha


So I'm definitely still drunk from last night and I just went to Foodsville (the food court type thing across from the cafeteria. Not actually called Foodsville.) to get a smoothie and a tuna sandwich (I'm fucking obsessed with sandwiches. And tuna is bomb.) and I talked to the lunch lady about the weather (we both desperately want it to get warmer) and she basically emptied the blender into my cup. Usually the workers just fill the cup, but lady liked me so I know have a heaping mound of strawberry deliciousness at my disposal.

I love being a people person.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The Way It Is

She never knew what she wanted to do with her life, only that this wasn’t it. An eternity of white picket fences and pot roasts was not in her future. She longed to bite into life, to feel its tangy juice slitherslide all the way down her chin and into the neck of her vintage James Dean tee shirt. This was a snow globe of a place, perfect from the outside, but cold and plastic and boring within. The kind of place that led to dreamless nights and dead-eyed days, just waiting for the end of this status-quo shuffle and the final grey heartflutter of death.
So she signed all of the papers and told her mother to come get her. She knew the ride would be hours of angerbabble about throwing life away and dying poor, but it was worth it. It was the only escape she had and she grabbed it with quaking hands, finally ready to start breathing.


Thursday, 2 45 PM, March 6th 2008

I am officially a college dropout.


Wednesday, March 5, 2008

I Need A JOB!

So I tried applying for this bank teller position my friend told me about.

Basically it said I was too fucking creative for the job and it wouldn't be a good fit.


If anyone knows of any jobs in the Madison, WI area for a delightful and adorable college dropout, lemme know.

I Want More Cookies!

Hurray overkill!

I'm gonna need more picture frames. Yeah, I frame fortune cookie fortunes. I don't like pictures of myself and I have a digital camera so I'm usually too lazy to get pictures developed. I'm like a lethargic Martha Stewart. So lazy I make up my own decorating style and very likely to end up in prison.

The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.
Lucky Numbers 15, 32, 35, 43, 44, 46

On the back it says how to say 'Weather' in Chinese

This one is kind of bittersweet. Like, no one wants to think about good luck changing, but right now I am having pretty badddd luck in life. So things are going to turn around! Woo!

Numbers really don't say much. Maybe those are the days that the weather will be good? Then I'll definitely have to plan a picnic around the forty-fourth.

The last one is kind of a throwaway:

You are never selfish with your advice of your help.
Lucky Numbers 11, 22, 24, 33, 36, 39

Cha I am haha. In fact, I am advising a friend via Instant Messenger as we speak!

I really like the number 39 cuz it's 3 times 13, two of my favourite numbers and the month and day of mah birth!

Why yes, I AM going to turn 19 next week!

My friends and I are having a fucking fantastical Rainbow Birthday Party Extravaganza! in honour of our birthdays (which are relatively close to one another [definitely had to Google if it's 'one and other' or 'one another.' And I call myself a word nerd.]). Wow that was some jacked up punctuation.


Different colours/flavours of punch, a rainbow of Jello shots, and balloons and streamers galore! The only gifts I will accept (and not set on fire) are those that have something to do with unicorns. Maybe I will add fortune cookies to that list.

What was I talking about?

Wow, sometimes the hicks on Maury are really touching. This very stout trailer-fab lady didn't know which of two men (she also mentioned a third... dag yo, guys in the south are pretty hard up for poon. I COULD BE QUEEN OF THE TRAILER PARK!) were the father of her baby. The kicker: THEY BOTH WANTED IT. Oh yeah, and they were BROTHERS.


Anyway, the touching part: They found out if was Jed Clampett #1 and Maury was all 'it's okay Jed Clampett #2. You're still an uncle.' And then JC #1 (that definitely looks like a Christian bumper sticker) is like 'no, you're a GODFATHER.'

And then everyone in the audience went back to making out with their sister or yelling at their babydaddy.

Downright inspirational.

Miss Fortune

Is me. A friend and I stocked up on Chinese food the other day so I had fourfortune cookies. Now I have two. Bahaha.

Innyhizzle, this one says

You will be successful someday.
Lucky Numbers 1, 2, 3, 17, 27, 37

On the back it tells how to say 'September' in Chinese.

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. I am going to be successful. And my life will basically restart again in September cuz that's when I'll start Technical College. (It will totally restart again on Saturday. The first day of the rest of your life and all that.)

I definitely am going to buy a mondo box of fortune cookies and consult them when I have questions.

Also, it doesn't really mean anything, but 17 is basically my favourite exaggeration number.

'Next time we go outside I need to wear at LEAST 17 sweaters.'

Person: 'Do you want a piece of gum?'
Me: 'No. I want seventeen.'

Reporter: 'So, Snarkypants, how many men HAVE you slept with?'
Me: 'Seventeen.'

Oh wait. That last one's not an exaggeration. My bad.

That's called a 'joke,' for those who didn't know.

Good Fortune

I just ate a fortune cookie.

The fortune says:

It is up to you to create your own adventures today!
Lucky Numbers 2, 4, 8, 10, 18, 26

Why yes, Cookie, it IS up to me.

I keep taking all these little signs to mean I'm doing the right thing in making the choices I am.

Damn, I must be really scared to do this thing. I'm never this optimistic. I guess I'm kind of overcompensating, but that's okay because it gives me hope. And I AM confident in the decisions I'm making. Pretty confident.

AND! One of those numbers is 8, which is the day this month (AKA Saturday) I'm supposed to go home! Lucky.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

And For The Record...

I know these posts are kind of boring right now, but I promise they will get livelier. I swear to all of you hypothetical readers that there is more to my delightfully cynical life than I have revealed so far. Just give it time, people.

THERE'S The Call I Was Expecting.

So my mom just called, blah blah, making a mistake, you'll be poor, etcetera etcetera and all that jazz. Lots of tears (on my part of course... that's what overly emotional girls like me do) and stuff, and after lots of escalated voices and warnings that life will be hard, she gave in again. So I'm still coming home for forever this weekend. Thank god.

Anyhoo, since I'm here anyway, I'll recount the ORIGINAL call conversation.

I was already crying (hurrr) and she was super understanding. She told me she didn't want me to be unhappy and that I could come home. I was surprised how cool she was with it-- which obviously she wasn't, judging by that most recent phone call. But yeah, that's it. I was pleased and taken aback by her compassion. I mean, I love my mom, but The Units are very practical people.i figured they wouldn't understand.

Oh well, I'll SHOW them.

And the dedication in my first book will be to myself-- 'For being the only one who always believed in me.'

Hey, just because I'm emotional doesn't mean I'm not a vindictive little bitch.

But I probably won't actually use that dedication. Probably.

ANYWAY-- As soon as I got off the phone (from Time #1) I Facebooked my friend (yeah... I'm a coward and I admitted it in the message about eighty times) and told her I loved her and she and my friends here are wonderful, but I can't stay here and be happy, let alone thrive (something about this place gives me major writer's block. I feel completely suffocated).

My small group of friends came over and told me they weren't mad and they just wanted me to do what is best for myself and they'll miss me but they understand.

See why I love them so much?

But yeah. Male Unit (dad) is flipping shit about the situation, natch. But too damn bad for him.

As of right now, things are still GO!

I promise a happy little anecdote for the next post.


Tuesday, 6 46 PM, March 4th 2008

Dropping Out Of College
An 18 year old who desperately wants OUT of college.


Muddled ramblings of the spastic, sarcastic, and utterly fantastic.

A Blog is born!

Roommate Example:

So I'm laying on the couch watching teevee and she leaves. I decided to switch to my loft bed. She comes back in.

She's with two of her retard friends and sees The Disney Channel is on (Hannah Montana-- fuck you haters, that show is adorable) and turns to them and says in her high, annoying little bitch tone 'She watches this allll daaay.'

First of all, Cuntasaurus Rex, I do NOT watch it all day. I can't. IT'S NOT ON ALL DAY. Okay okay, taking this literally. But seriously. All she does is drink and act like a slut and giggle. Yeah, that is much better than watching (henceforth supporting) a budding young actress that is actually a positive role model for girls.

I hate the bitch. I want to chainsaw her arms off and beat her to death with them.

I've decided I'm stealing something of hers when she leaves.

Drawing A Blank

Still haven't thought up a new name... and admittedly haven't really tried. I swear I will... eventually.

So- here is what led up to me finally getting some balls and telling my mother I need to come home. This weekend wasn't bad until Saturday night. I was chilling on a Man Floor of my dorm with my friends. These guys in the hall were wrestling (again, as I had drunkenly joined in and bit the fuck out of some guy's arm [I didn't recall this til the next morning... ahhh, underage drinking. What a joy] the night before) and when I tried to watch, they YELLED at me to leave. Which I did. For like, two minutes, because I am a naturally curious person (see also, disrespecting of people's wishes) when they yelled at me AGAIN. What the fuck. I learned my lesson and went away. That's when I heard my fucking roommate's voice in the hall with the guys.

Sidenote: The Roommate
My roommate is preppy, blonde, and tiny, with HUGE tits. She has the most obnoxiously squeaky, girly voice I've ever heard. We rarely talk, and when we do it's only about how many guys want to fuck her and how many bottles of liquor she polished off by herself the night before. Sweet Jesus, she is the most self-absorbed person I have ever met in my life. Not only that, she's spoiled as sin with about eighty closets worth of Abercrombie shoved in her closet here. And she's still obsessed with getting more.

I want to kill her.

The point is, she is one of those generic lame chicks that guys EVERYWHERE are predisposed to liking for no apparent reason. She is not funny or smart or particularly nice. She barely has a personality to speak of, yet she is fawned over by all who possess a cock. Bullllshit.

So back to my 'story...'

She was welcomed into the hall, where I was not.

This sounds sooo melodramatic, but if you met her (and you have at least as much intellect as a marshmallow [either one big one or a handful of those little ones]) you would understand how much of a travesty this is in my eyes.

Not to sound self-important, but I am not that bad. Reasonably attractive (on some days), able to hold a substantial conversation, pretty witty when I try, people should luuurve to hang out with me. Which my friends do.

But my friends make up like .000033 percent of the student population here, and as stated before, it's not enough.

So I went home, cried myself to sleep, and decided that I was around so many utterly retarded and shallow people long enough.

And I feel that I have whined enough for now, so next time we'll tackle Monday- explaining to my mumsy and college friends that I want (desire, REQUIRE) out!

Sidenote II- Those Taco Bell Fiesta Platters are much too much food for one person. Guuuh I feel like my belly is about to go Mount Vesuvius on my ass. Not like in the diarrhea way. I guess that was a pretty SHITTY metaphor. Bahaha.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Oh My God

Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.

I am so happy that I can't stop crying.

I am going home. This week.


I will give a detailed account of the last couple days in later posts. But right now I have a message:

It seems I have completed the goal of my Blog! I AM GOING TO BE AN OFFICIAL COLLEGE DROPOUT (or Withdrawer or whatever)!!! But lucky for you, duckies (AKA anyone who may be currently, previously, or future-tastically read this delightful piece of text, I am going to continue Blogging!

The URL will stay the original, but the name of the page shall evolve!!!

As soon as I think of something clever to call it.