Oh Jimmy. The Blahgs Not Dead, She's Just Sleeping

So, biggest news first:

I QUIT NEW YORK & COMPANY! Hahahaha, I did it very unprofessionally cuz I knew I wouldn't get a good reference from there anyway. I changed my voice mail to say I had moved to Portugal and was never coming back, and that I wouldn't be in to work that day or ever again.

I know. I'm cool.

But I'm getting loads of hours at Vintage Store though and I LOVE IT!!! I made my first display the other day hahahaha.

Real Boy took me to dinner and came over the other night and stayed til the wee hours of the morning doing makeouts with me. I told him I'm a virgin just for fun. That way, if we ever fuck it'll be funny hahaha.

Another promising young lad found me on CraigsList. He's 19 and seems AWESOME. I gave him my number and told him to text me.

Have I mentioned Real Boy is more like... uhhhh. Real Man?

Um. He's 26.

Yeah.

ANYWAY, downtown living is amAzing, Friend 1 and I don't want to kill each other yet, and life is generally noice.

I NEED TO GET A BETTER WIFI RECEIVER SO I CAN START UPDATING FREQUENTLY AGAIN.

NOT DEAD!

Just BUSY! The apartment [henceforth known as Chez Yuppie... hahahaha] has ONLY been fully set up since yesterday.

So right now I'm relaxing before I go to Vintage Job and work all day.

Annndddd... Uhhhh...

I think I kinda sorta have a date. Tonight.

With a never before mentioned on here CraigsList guy. We're going to The Comedy Club. Fun...?

And no. I still haven't hung out with Real Boy. Because we are both retarded hahahaha. But that's part of his appeal.

And the other night, Friend 1 and another friend of mine

Pause.

This 'another friend' needs an introduction. She is one of my bestest friends in the entire world. Due to some constant grounding (her parents are fascists but now that she's 18 they can't do shhhiiit hahaha)and disagreements with a couple of my ladies in The Foxy Foursome, we were not able to see each other for a looong time. But now she is FREE! and we are constantly hanging out and I love it. She gets the only nickname I could ever call her by: Risk.

Play.

we sitting around, Hookahing and Happinessing and we ended up pulling out my box of fortunes (yeah, fortune cookie fortunes. I know, I'm stupid. I collect pointless bullshit. I also have boxes full of soda bottle caps and sea glass.) and asking it questions (and oh how I hope it becomes a regular activity. Sooo funny) and Friend 1 asked 'what will come of the Snarkypants and Real Boy situation?'

And the fortune she pulled?

":) Happy life is just in front of you. :)"

NO SHIT. WITH THE FUCKING SMILEY FACES AND EVERYTHING.

Maybe I shouldn't be going out with this other guy. Maybe I should cancel and go out with him instead.


You know, I'm just gonna be upfront. 'I could go on a date with this guy or on one with you instead. Which would you prefer?' Something like that.

GAHHH I'm gonna do it right now.

Limbo

There's been nothing to blahg about lately, really. Friend 1 and I move to our downtown sublet on SATURDAY!, I'm trying to get another jorb down there so I can quit NY&Co. and henceforth not have to worry about taking the bus at 10 at night/getting raped, I've been chatting with another CL boy who may not be what I'm really looking for PHYSICALLY, but he is funny and teases me and it's v. v. entertaining talking to him.

And Tuffy is curable, but it'll cost like five grand. I don't blame Female Unit for being hesitant about going through with treatment. That is a LOT of money. Maybe it would be best to not put her through that and just spoil her rotten and love her immensely (which I already do but will somehow find a way to increase) and let her have happy remaining days in her own home.

I am very conflicted.

And sad. But I'm trying really hard not to think about it and just be excited about being in the thick of Madisonia action.

I STILL NEED BOXES AND TO START PACKING/PLANNING THINGS TO PACK! I are terrible planner.

Working Girl

So Vintage Store opened yesterday! It was FUCKING AWESOME! I love the people, the location, the clothes, the store (oh my God it's sooo cute. It looks AMAZING), and my BOSS! She is basically what I aspire to be (after I hippie around for awhile). She is so cool.

I also interviewed at Kitsch Store. I think it went well and I came off v. v. poised and responsible, yet quirky and friendly. He said if I pass le first draft I will be called back for another interview. To become an actual employee, you have to go through a long process with trial periods and shit, but I think I can do it, that I'd like the job, and that it would be worth it.

I also put in an application to Urban Outfitters. There is a message on my machine asking me to call and schedule an interview :] so I figure I will probably get one of those jobs, get my awesome juicy summer sublet with Friend 1 (we have a showing todaaaay!), and have the best summer EVER.



It's so nice to have something to look forward to.

Garr I Never Feel Encouraged.

So I'm applying for more jobs downtown cuz I wanna live down there and quit NY&Co. so I can establish myself there (Friend 1 and I wanna try to get a cheapy one bedroom sublet for summer) and Female Unit is totally discouraging me.

So I'm kinda of in too downer of a mood to blahg. :[

But I will leave you on a happy Note:



I hung out with Perfect Guy on Saturday.

First Day In Vintage Land!

Sorry... I was gonna lump this and the former together (I can't believe I just said lump... I can't stop thinking about it) but I felt Tuffy deserved her own.

But yeah, the shop isn't open yet (I still haven't decided if I'm going to post the actual name) so I spent four hours ironing.

IT WAS GLORIOUS!

I'M SERIOUS! My boss is SO FUCKING COOL and she brought her hilarious one-year-old again. The time FLEW by. And I LOVE working downtown. This street musician just set up shop right in front of us, playing acoustic guitar and singing (John Lennon, The Beatles, Sublime.. GOOD SHIT) and it was just SOOO COOOOOL.

And I was talking to Boss Lady and she said I was the ONLY person who dressed up for their interview. That's... bizarre in my opinion. Don't you want to come off as professional? Whatever.

ANYWAY, SOSOSO pleased with this job.

Should Be Interesting

So WOOOHOOO I don't have to go into work tonight. I was on call but they don't need me.

So I am free to go to a party with Marta, this really rad girl who was friends with Metal Kevin. I'm bringing Friend 1, but we won't know anyone else there. I'm really looking forward to meeting new people, but I just hope they're receptive to making friends.

I'm nervous and excited.

I'm Sick As A Dog

So I've been basically working non-stop. And I'm super sick. Well, not super. But I do keep coughing up phlegm and my nose is terrible and my throat hurts and I have man-voice and I feel quite crappy.

My tootsies are getting quite the workout standing nine hours a day. So on Saturday, I was supposed to work four to nine-thirty, but NY&Co. called at ten asking me to come in one to six. But if the other chick didn't show at four thirty I'd have to stay til close. I said okay.

Of course the dumb bitch (who I SWEAR has some sort of mental deficiency... I'm not just being mean. I actually think she may be slightly challenged) never showed (apparently today is her last day so I guess she didn't care. Damn selfish retards) so I had to stay.

Then I got sick. And had to work more.

AND NOW I HAVE MY FUCKING PERIOD AGAIN. I guess last time was 'spotting' but it still fucking sucked. At least this time I'm actually supposed to have it.

After work Saturday, I hung out with Friend 1 and Eric, another friend. We got drunk in a school parking lot and talked about life (it sounds really losery and lame and creepy but it wasn't it was fun). And sex. Lots of sex talk. I ended up making a booty call to John (I KNOW I KNOW but I swear he really is history) but he was in bed or some shit. I'm glad. I was drunk and being stupid. I don't want him.

I've just realized the articles or clothing I'm wearing for pajammies are both white... with weird 'racing stripes.'

I am a sad case. Hahahaha.

I GOT THE VINTAGE JOB!

I'm ecSTAtic. It's only two days a week in Summer (only one day a week til then) BUT I'M SO GLAD I'M JUST GOING TO BE A PART OF IT!

Also I'm hanging out with Mohawk John tonight. I think we're smoking, and then coming back to my house to watch Labyrinth. Mmmm David Bowie. Plus Jim Henson puppets? Fucking GENIUS.

I just wish I didn't have my damn period.

BUT IT WILL BE FUN ANYWAY! WHEEEE!

I Know, I Am A Terrible Blahgstress

QUESTION: Who called in twice to work during her first week of employment?

ANSWER: Me.

QUESTION: Who almost got fired after her boss called her house and talked to her Female Unit who informed The Boss that there was in fact no family emergency, I don't know where Snarkypants is, and she wasn't sick on Wednesday?

ANSWER: Me.

I freaked out. I thought I was gonna get bitched out by The Boss. Who is five feet tall and SCARY. But she didn't yell at me, I made good excuses, and it's all peachy keen now.

I am such a failure at this whole 'being employed' thing.

But I DID get mah first pay check! Something like $99.34. Not bad for a week's worth of work where I basically open fitting rooms for people and fold shit. Although some woman yesterday basically made me a personal shopper for her daughter. I was nervous at first cuz I'm basically fashionably retarded, but it worked out fine.

BUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW IS ABOUT THE SEX? AM I RIGHT?

It was my second time with him. His name is Mohawk John, although he no longer has a mohawk. I also almost ruined his band cuz I was flirting with him (lead vocals, backup guitar) and the lead guitarist. He was the one who forgave me. Plus, I met him first (on MySpace... I make terrible choices that usually end up great hahahaha) and liked him more.

ANYWAY,

Finger work: A, almost got me off.

QUESTION: Who has never had an orgasm?

ANSWER: Me. My life is sad. I've tried everything (except a vibrator... WHICH I WANT) and it doesn't work, no matter what my mental state or how relaxed I am. It's all very depressing.

Mouth work: D, didn't really do anything for me and I ended up cutting him off and telling him to just FUCK ME. He tried to argue about foreplay but I won.

Actual sex: B-, it was pretty decent, but ehh, kind of boring. Whatever.

Plus both of our stamina is reallllly low.

Overall enthusiasm: A+. The boy tried, he really did. He was all cuddling with me and kissing my forehead and I was just like 'WHERE IS THE SEX?' I am such a dude.

Anyway, I needed layage v. v. badly. So I am pleased.

BUT I WANT MORE!!!

Moving on, Saturday night I hung out with Len and this girl who I know through my ex-boyfriend. She is waaay cool and I hope we hang out more and often cuz I'd like to expand my social circle. Well... meet more boys.

HAHAHAHA.

BUT it is my day off, even though Female Unit is home so I can't do anything fun. IE drugs or have boys over for teh s3x. Even though the only boy I could call is Mohawk John and he is at work. I also CAN'T beat this one stage of Amateur Surgeon, Act II on adultswim.com.

DAMN AND BLAST!

I promise to try to update every day with mah shit instead of massive posts about myriad things.

Vintage Job Interview

It went really well. The owner is fly and her one year old son is adorrrrable.

The only thing is, it's working one to three days a week. I kinda wanted this to be my full time job. So if I get it, I AM SO TAKING IT, but I have to keep NY&Co. too.

Oh well, it'll be soooo worth it.

I GET PAID TOMORROW!!!

Also, Friend 1 and I, along with our girls Death and Brownie (Brownie is Friend 2 from Rainbow Party) are house hunting downtown! WOO!

I swear my thoughts are really jumbly today. Bear with me.

Boy Zone: This boy Mohawk John (who coincidentally no longer has a mohawk) wants to play with me today. I am down. He's tall and goofy and Snarkypants needs some lovin'. I haven't seen much of him for a very long time. He always ends up passed out somewhere. But oh well. We've never actually hung out one-on-one so I'm kind of nervous. Also, sex-wise, I couldn't be bothered to shave my legs (or anything else) this morning, so I have, what, a week's worth of fur? Oh well. Embarrassing, maybe slightly, but more convenient to just go au natural? Definitely.

I need to go unwiiiiind.

Oh Well, I Don't Mind Talking To Myself

I am playing hooky from work. I just felt like it. Yesterday was notttt a day off, and tomorrow won't be either.

No no no, this will not become a regular occurrence.

I SWEAR!

I've Become Self-Actualized... APRIL FOOLS!

So: Tourney.

That Girl didn't show. I was glad, but I don't care.

I've realized that, as stated before, Liam is no where near good enough for me. No job, no school, no life. All he does is sit around a say stupid things so people will think he's all philosophical and deep. He isn't. So it became clear to me that in fact, I am not interested in him. I have no feelings for him. If he were to throw himself at my feet and beg me for forgiveness and to love him forever, I'd tell him to fuck off and die.

But, as is the way of Snarkypants, there is a catch.

As much distaste as I have for him, I will still be jealous if and when he's all flirty and makey-outy with other girls. I know, fucked right? But that's how it is. At least I'm not pining. I barely think about him any more.

And yeah, last time I said I hated him (and told him that, and ignored him, and he brought his girlfriend to the party we were at, and I looked terrible in my Toga) we ended up fucking (I don't regret it, but I know it was a mistake), this time I mean it. All these years of being hung up on him are over. He is not the boy I liked. He has morphed into a sad loser who even gets shit talked about him by the people he considers his best friends. The only people who actually like him are silly, manipulatable girls who he tricks into thinking he's special.

ANYWAY, so he and That Girl are still conversing (more and more frequently... godspeed, That Girl) over Fizzlebizzle (Facebook) and I keep tabs and get pissed, but I don't emotionally care anymore.

BACK TO TOURNEY TALK!

It was a shitton of fun, even though some people (who had no chance of winning it anyway) took shit waaay too seriously and harshed my mellow a couple of times.

For example, we played this one team. They shot their balls (missed) and one rolled between two tables. So Len shot while I retrieved the ball. I washed it off, shot, and MADE THEIR LAST CUP, and the fat piece of shit bitch we were playing claimed I'd already shot and was taking a second. She even called House Guy over to ref, and since he didn't want to start anything, he just said scrap it and do a re-shoot. We ended up losing the fucking game. Bullshit, I tell you.

OH, and I ended up playing Liam, who unfortunately ended up paired with the best pong player ever so we lost to them. We could've totally beat him and anyone else, but the gods were against us. AND, the ONE SHOT he made he BANKED OFF MY TITS. Which sucked, cuz our team uniforms were v. v. big on the cleavage. Oh well. We looked bomb as hell.

Also, Sidenote: Liam ended up being a retarded and fucking his hand up by putting in through a window. I was super nice and like nursed him and he didn't even care. What a waste of time. I won't bother being nice to that asshole ever again.

So, the tourney was pretty bomb over all. I had a grand time.

On to the work situation.

Still at NY&Co., but I have my vintage interview on Thursday. My feet are way pussies and hurt so bad when I stand all day. It's a bit better when I'm hopped up on excessive amounts of Ibuprofen. I still want the vintage job, but getting downtown from Suburbia will be hard. I will make it work.

Other than that, things are pretty basic. Oh, and today is my day off so Female Unit took it upon herself to take the day off as well so we could 'practice riding the bus.' So much for a fucking day off. I actually just got back and there was much fighting and lecturing and shit and it was stupid. As I was typing part of this in fact, she was sitting in her telling me it's not her fault that I'm not independent. Uhm, actually, never letting me figure anything out for myself is why I'm so crippled at doing things on my own.

Whatever.

I want to do something completely foolish tonight.

The Bus

DIDN'T. FUCKING. COME. I sat outside freezing my ass off for 45 minutes. So now I called a cab. Another twelve bucks, down the drain.

But waiting at the bus stop was kind of peaceful. Lonely, in a good way. I was glad there was no one else there. And the newly returned birds and their chirping provided a great harmony to the Death Cab For Cutie I was listening to.

Off to work I go, ferrealz this time.

Murphy's Law

So of course as soon as I get the NY&Co. job, the vintage store calls me. I have an interview on Thursday morning. I want it sososo bad, but transportation may be a problem. And Female Parental Unit brought up that I may end up working alone in th store, which I don't know how I feel about. Oh well, I'll just ask questions and find out what the dillio is.

Friend 1 also applied there after I told her about it. It would break my heart if my Units wouldn't let me work there and she was doing my dream job without me. Best case scenario- we get to work there together. That would be bomb, boss, rad, gnarly, and all those other terms you crazy kids use.

So On-Boarding wasn't completely retarded like I thought it would be. I didn't have to touch that stupid workbook. All I did basically was greet people and shadow (follow around, stalk, whatev) the manager, who isn't bad. I ish learned the cash register but all the shizz for returns and gift cards is confusing. I'll get the hang of it.

I work today, 1 to 6, but because I am special (ed) and don't drive, I get to take the bus today! Joyous! AND since the bus system in Madisonia is wacked out, I have to take an early one and wait around the mall for an hour. Barnes And Noble, watch out.

I'll try to make some observations on the ride today so you can all feel like you took The Glorious Bus Adventure with me.

Pong tourney tonight. I'm nervous and going to be stressing over the thought of Liam and That Girl all day.

On the plus side, I've basically been not eating for a couple of days and I've lost five ell-bees since being home. I'm still grotesquely obese (in my eyes) but it's a start.

Wish me luck and have a grand weekend.

Regarding Yesterday's... Wait For It

VIDEO TRAINING! I forgot to mention that yesterday, along with filling out papers, I had the privilege of viewing the New York & Company Official On-Boarding Videos. These included such exciting and fun filled segments as:

-OUR GOALS FOR 2007-
Not to worry, the assistant manager ASSURED me that the goals for 2008, read by the endearing creepy uncle founder, would be here soon!

-HOW JEWELRY IS MADE-
I learned a lot from this segment. Like how many different types of metal the gold jewelry is dipped in, what a cuff bracelet is, and that the entire 'hand be-jeweled jewelry' staff is entirely made up of depressed and over made-up (probably for the visiting cameras) Hispanic women.

-SELLING BATH PRODUCTS-
If a customer won't let you spray shit on them, explain to them that you are going to put some on your OWN hand, do so, and then shove it into their face and force them to smell it. They've GOTTA want it now! Note: Every customer, no matter what their previous objections, will mention at least THREE TIMES how great whatever scent they sampled is. If they fall short or especially if they DON'T MENTION THE FRAGRANCE AS ALL, get a manager immediately. This customer is a secret terrorist.

-HARASSING PEOPLE INTO SIGNING UP FOR THE CREDIT CARD-
Not actually what the segment was called, but there is no way in FUCK that I am going to harass some poor person in a dressing room until they deny it AT LEAST THREE TIMES. That's what the fucking Male Salesman (aka trying to increase diversity and the myth that men would ever work there) told me.

If you want to see all this (And More!) just apply for a job at your local New York & Company and the cinema magic will haunt your dreams for decades!

Embarassing Questions

Who, at age nineteen, plays pot tops as if they were cymbals?

Why, me of course.

My life is so sad. Hahahaha.

Yes, Snarkypants, LAUGH THROUGH THE PAIN.

Moving on after that bit of Multiple Personality Disorder... oh wow. I just thought of something. What if someone just had a Personality Disorder? Someone whose personality is just innately sucky? You can't really truly change your personality. You'd be living a sham of a life. Dissssmal.

Hahahahaha I swear I know some retarded Those Girls like that who don't actually seem to have a personality. I'd rather be who I am than have guys chase me for no substantial reason. I will be wanted for who I am, not what I look like. WERD.

This is getting pretty heavy, yo, so now here are some more embarrassing questions.

(Note: All questions involve something that has happened in like the last twenty minutes. I swear to god I am so awkward that it hurts to exist. But I share it with you, my darlings, because I don't mind a laugh at my expense to bring a smile to your rosy-cheeked little faces)

Who sets a wet sponge on fire, totally burning the edge, and then trims the burnt shit on it with the kitchen scissors?

Me, and yes, I washed them off.

Who then spends a good two minutes letting water run like a wasteful asshole because she is intrigued by the idea (and also the practice, which she was doing. Fortunately alone, because if anyone saw her she would be hauled off to the nut house with all the nuts and the squirrels) of cutting the running water with aforementioned kitchen scissors and photographing it?

I fear I will never find anyone who appreciates my little joys and clumsy stories. Le sigh.

And now That Girl is signed up to play pong tomorrow two. Luckily, not against Liam, But I HAVE to do better than her. I don't know why. I don't even want him anymore (lie, but not that MUCH) but I just need to prove I am at least superior in some aspect.

Gargargar I hope tomorrow is fun and I am not distressed by those two retards' antics.

Pee Ess: I go in for my 'On-Boarding' (training... which they could've just called 'Training,' but nooo, they need a kicky, pseudo-corporate name to trick all the sad people who end up spending their lives managing that processed sack of fashion lies that their lives aren't so sad. FUCK THIS NINE TO FIVE SHIT!) with the manager tonight. I have a fucking WORK BOOK with COMPREHENSION QUESTIONS. YOU HAVE TO BE 18 TO WORK THERE. I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. How retarded do they think people are. Chrisssst.

I have to put together three outfits. Sounds, sorta fun, right? WRONG. Then you have to fill out a fucking WORK SHEET writing fucking PARAGRAPHS about which one is your favourite and why. What the hell is this!?

So that's what I have to look forward to from six to half-past nine. Woo. And then I get to work almost full time tooling around.

I hate that this is what I have to do to earn money.

Ha Ha, Jay-Kay, Maybe I AM Responsible. Ish.

Yeah I ended up going. I took a cab instead of da bus.

It was just filling out forms...


... and watching instructional videos. Oh, my god. So sad. I rolled my eyes so many times I'm surprised they didn't get stuck up in my head. There was an entire section on where their jewelry comes from and how it's made and shit. Not interesting, like the salesgirl/actress claimed it was, and most definitely not entertaining.

I work basically every day the rest of the week and the coming week. Yarrr.


In other news, I shoplifted by mahself (as opposed to having someone else gank things for me) for the first time today. At age 19. I'm definitely a badass. It was this pink push-up bra from Macy's (my Friday pong partner Len and I are excessively boobless [even though she is totally tall and uber-model skinny... bitch] and are probably gonna wear two push-ups a piece to give us Maximum Cleave) and it's cute. Len and I have decided we will use the art of distraction as opposed to having any actual skill at the game. I'm not the bad, usually, but she says she's no good, which is fine cuz we'll look fly and it'll be fun anyway.

Still not looking forward to seeing Liam and That Girl together. Gargargar STOP CARING STOP CARING STOP CARING!!!

Currently Skipping Work To Write

She covered the room in an ocean of blues. Knobby-soft under her bare feet, the cerulean hand-made rug she found at a little hippie shop run by a former Grateful Dead groupie who went by the name Topaz. Turquoise scarves-turned-curtains, studded with tiny plastic beads that clung to them like perfect water droplets and found at the flea market by the legendary Haight. Strands of glass the colour of a perfect Summer sky brushed her shoulders every time she came through her little white door (now painted with various elephants, unicorns, ducks, all of them blue) to her new home. But it didn't feel new. It felt like she had belonged there all her life.


I am a terrrrrrible nine-to-fiver. STOP LETTING ME DO BAD THINGS, SELF!

Bad, Bad Sales Associate!

So I'm supposed to start training at NY&Co. today and I have to take this retardedly complicated buss route.

I'm seriously considering saying the bus never came and just telling that to my mom and calling the place and telling them too.

I am terrrrrrible.


I need to start working on my writing again. Perhaps next time I will treat you with a bit of prose. Here's to hoping for inspiration.