NOT DEAD!

Just BUSY! The apartment [henceforth known as Chez Yuppie... hahahaha] has ONLY been fully set up since yesterday.

So right now I'm relaxing before I go to Vintage Job and work all day.

Annndddd... Uhhhh...

I think I kinda sorta have a date. Tonight.

With a never before mentioned on here CraigsList guy. We're going to The Comedy Club. Fun...?

And no. I still haven't hung out with Real Boy. Because we are both retarded hahahaha. But that's part of his appeal.

And the other night, Friend 1 and another friend of mine

Pause.

This 'another friend' needs an introduction. She is one of my bestest friends in the entire world. Due to some constant grounding (her parents are fascists but now that she's 18 they can't do shhhiiit hahaha)and disagreements with a couple of my ladies in The Foxy Foursome, we were not able to see each other for a looong time. But now she is FREE! and we are constantly hanging out and I love it. She gets the only nickname I could ever call her by: Risk.

Play.

we sitting around, Hookahing and Happinessing and we ended up pulling out my box of fortunes (yeah, fortune cookie fortunes. I know, I'm stupid. I collect pointless bullshit. I also have boxes full of soda bottle caps and sea glass.) and asking it questions (and oh how I hope it becomes a regular activity. Sooo funny) and Friend 1 asked 'what will come of the Snarkypants and Real Boy situation?'

And the fortune she pulled?

":) Happy life is just in front of you. :)"

NO SHIT. WITH THE FUCKING SMILEY FACES AND EVERYTHING.

Maybe I shouldn't be going out with this other guy. Maybe I should cancel and go out with him instead.


You know, I'm just gonna be upfront. 'I could go on a date with this guy or on one with you instead. Which would you prefer?' Something like that.

GAHHH I'm gonna do it right now.

So, Okay, I Get Caught Up In The Moment Sometimes

And daydream about this guy that I only know as text on a screen.

And the random Facebook picture, but still.

I don't know. At least in this conversational environment, I feel some clickage. Like maybe there is some possible strand of silver lining I can cling on to that I'll find someone I can be with for real.

All from CraigsList. Hahahaha.

It's not like with Ex-Perfect Guy. That was like I WANTED it to work, cuz he was what I pictured myself with. Real Boy (oh god he just earned a blahg nickname) and I actually seem to have compatibility.

Oh, god. We just had a big old argument again. This kid amuses me to no end.


Ohhh god. Please don't tell me that I like him.


I've never even met him. I'm soooo weiiiird.

From The Rejected Files II

Subject: What's Shaken Toots???
From: Zac Dorken [Email redacted]
Sent: Tue 5/06/08 11:04 AM
To: Snarkypants
[Picture redacted cuz I'm not THAT big of an asshole]

How's it goin babe? My name is Zac and this is my application to be your fwend! I am 21 years old, originally from Minneapolis, I work full-time, play part-time. Guitar, bass monopoly, pretend, you name it, I play it. I have one tattoo, one piercing, and one shaved head. I listen a ton o tunes, punk rock, funk, all sorts o stuff. I dunno, What else would you like to know?? I'd love to hear from ya!!"

I did not even reply to this. I couldn't get over it. Sooo funny. Sad sad cuz he's either trying to be ironic or he just doesn't get it.

Dorken indeed.

Wow. You know, re-reading that makes him not sound so bad. I think I'm gonna write him back hahahahaha. Even though I don't think he's cute. Bald=guhhhh.

But I fucking HATE being called 'babe.'

I hate 'hun' even more.


Note: The entire original reason for this post is because I wanted to do the whole dork/Dorken thing.

I am so fucking stupid.

Alas.

So I hung out with Perfect Guy again, and unfortunately, he needs a name change.

He is a funny, cute, Indie rocker boy and a cool person... but we have no chemistry. Like, I would be totally down for hanging out and being friends (even though I already have friends and aren't really looking for them...) but there is no romantic connection.

So he will now just be known as Guy.

He is perfect for someone, just not me.


Awkward Note: His older brother is into me. He's funny and nice and whatever... but I am not attracted to him physically, and once again there is no chemistry. That doesn't make me shallow, does it?

No. It doesn't.

First Encounters Of The Perfect Boy Kind.

Hanging out with Perfect Guy:

We (me, my friend Shutterbug and her Cousin) were downtown for Photogging Adventure (it was really super fun! We got smoothies and stalked boys and talked shit and took really fun [hopefully they turn out well] photos). We met him and his Broseph and their friend downtown.

We went back to their house, got stoned, listened to them play acoustic guitars and sing (they are soooooo goood. SO FUCKING GOOD. Snaps. Perfect Guy's Band... I might tell the name later but probably not, to save anonymity.), played classic Nintendo (SO FUN), and got fried rice (he served it up to everyone in bowls with spoons. So cute. And he totally got us seconds too). It was grand. His brother and his two friends I met were really chill and funny and bomb. Cousin totally wants Broseph now hahaha. And he... is v. v. rad. So cute, funny, sarcastic. I don't know if there's really chemistry there yet or if I Like him, but I would very much like to hang out with him again and find out.




Pee Ess-- I texted him and said 'blah blah fun, you're an Indie Dreamboat (I KNOW I KNOW. I'M FUCKING STUPID), should do it again even if you're not interested. And he totally said he enjoyed my company and we should definitely do it again. But at the end he said 'We'll see' without a period or whatever. So it's hanging in my head like an unfinished thought.

I'm guessing it's in reference to being interested. And I'm okay with that. I don't want another 'I like you, I like you too, let's date, *fuck*(or *fuck*, let's date, depending on the physical attraction. I know, such a tart). I want to get to know him, and if I do like him, do things RIGHT for once. A little courtship, a chance to develop REAL feelings before getting too physical and making the entire relationship about sex. I know. She grows up so fast.

I'll keep you updated, duckies.

420 (FINALLY)

SO 4-20 was GREAT. I hung out with The Foxy Foursome allll day.

First, they came over in the morning for some delightful wake-and-bake action. Brownie and I shared a screwdriver cuz we are that hardcore. She also rolled the saddest joint ever (named Lolita) that with our mad skillz we managed to smoke. And in the midst of Lolita, I decided we should pass a bowl around simultaneously.

Then we maxed out on junk food and decided to go DOWNTOWN!

I stopped by one of my favourite hippie stores and got my very own and FIRST PIPE! It is PERFECT for me. It's small and pink (but with a decent-sized bowl) and has little cherries on the side. I named her Jubilee (get it?! Also, ish in honour of the X-Woman) and it was definitely love at first sight.

Then we went to Ian's Pizza where they had free brownies at 4:20. They were okay, but being stoned made them supa delicious. We also ran into some other friends and it was grand.

Then we rented some movies and watched The Doom Generation (which I have seen before and is completely twisted and I LOVE. Snaps, Greg Araki) and smoked more and then The Foxy Foursome dispersed.



Then, at like 1:30 in the morning, Liam and I hung out.

I swear to god it would have been amAzing fun if I had been with anyone else. We got blitzed and broke into Olbrich Gardens to explore. It was completely beautiful in the moonlight, so surreal and quiet. Very Garden Of Eden. And of course it was lost on him. He got all paranoid cuz he's a fucking idiot so we left. Then on the way home, he asked some question (I don't remember exactly what it was) about our strange relationship, and I was completely honest and told him I think he's a huge asshole and I keep trying super hard to be friends and he's a douche cuz he never puts forth any effort. I asked him what his take on the situation is.

He said he didn't have one.

He had absolutely nothing to say for himself. When he dropped me off, he said 'see you later.' I responded 'no, you won't' and slammed the door and walked away, leaving him yelling something about me slamming things.

I know. I keep saying I'm never gonna waste time on him again. BUT THEN I DO. But honest to Christ, that was the last time. I keep thinking if we got a chance to talk, things would be good. But he'll never talk, and he's not worth spending time with. He's not the guy I used to know. Now he's just a big unmotivated, egomaniacal asshole who isn't worth the pixels on this page to write about.

There may be more Liam quips and unsavory interactions between the two of us in the future (at parties and whatnot... I am NEVER going to knowingly hang out with that bag of fuck ever again), but this is officially

The Last Chapter Of Liam In Snarkypants Land.

Oh. My. [Perfect Boy] God.

So. One of the guys that responded to my ad?

He is the cousin of a friend from University.

He is. So fucking cool.

Like, his email was AWESOME. I straight-out told him it was the best response I had gotten. And the more I hear about him and know about him (she's telling me some stuff and she sent me his MySpace... I am such a creeper) the more awesome I think he is. Like, I am completely infatuated with him. I AM going to meet him.

I really hope he likes me.

Seriously, I haven't been this excited in ages.

Oh my god. This could be the start of something wonderful.

Everything With Us Is Tumultuous.

I won't go into details of yesterday, mainly because they don't matter. We went and saw music, went to parties, people across the road fought blah blah.

The main point of interest (to me at least) was my interaction with Liam.

So I call my friend and he's with a group of people, including Liam, and I'm like 'hey, people all left House Guy's so you can come over.' So they did, but then our friend kicked everyone out (except me and my ladies cuz we is cool like that) cuz House Guy wasn't there (even though he wouldn't have cared... but I am not about to argue with a huge black man.).

In the five-minute span of Liam actually being there, I completely trashed any sort of relationship we had, friendly, casual, or what have you. After years of dancing around the whole matter, I basically shot it in the face. And I'm totally proud of myself that I could do it so quickly and easily. Sick, isn't it?

I had his phone for a long time, cuz I was nice enough to go retrieve it from the woods where fucking retarded dropped it. I held onto it because it would give me and excuse to get him to see me. It never really worked out like and then I realized I didn't care, so I was prepared to give it back to him.

I walk into the room, and the first thing he says, no hello or anything, is 'where is my phone?' To myself, I'm thinking that he's a complete ass. I am right. So I respond 'what?' and the conversation proceeds thusly:

'Where is my phone?'
'What?'
'My phone.'
'What?'
'My PHONE.'
'What?'
'Okay, put it in your purse and then the next time you see me, give it to me.'
'What are you talking about?'
[Inaudible mumblings of frustration as he gives up and turns away so I know he's ignoring me.]

So then I take his phone out and throw it at him and walk into the other room. Except I hear him say 'finally.' This does not please me. Not at all.

So I go in there, little hothead that I am, and start talking in raised tones about how rude that is and how he didn't even thank me, etcetera etcetera. He thanks me and I tell him to fuck off cuz he had to be prompted.

Five minutes later and everyone is booted, except, as our enforcer friend said 'these fine ladies,' meaning me and my homies. So Liam pops his head in the door and says 'what if I make fine ladies appear?'.... yes. Meaning That Girl. I am officially pissed. I basically invited him and he goes and invites her? He HAS to be aware that I had some... romantic issues with him. Or else he's stupider than I thought. So enforcer friend says 'especially you have to go, Liam.' So I hop on the bandwagon of course and start railing on him about him leaving because hes an asshole than no one likes and that he should just accept that everyone hates him. He keeps walking to the door and back and finally says to me, 'bye, smelly.'

I take that and run with it. All the way to fucking China.

Back story: When Liam and I dated a million years ago, he had a body odor problem (Note: I noticed that he smelled a bit... ripe when we fucked that time. I had to hold back my laughter) that I constantly hinted to him about and he never got. There are incidences of him refusing my proffered deodorant and a friend of mine attacking him with air freshener just to beat back the smell. After I dumped him, I wrote about how he smelled bad on my website at the time. He saw it and IMed me asking, 'when did you decide I smell?' I told him always. I think I still have the AIM conversation saved on my old computer. Yeah. I'm one of those people.

So of COURSE I say 'I'm smelly? I'M smelly?!' and proceed to start telling everyone in the room the story you just heard. He just keeps popping his head in and out of the room, hearing more (oh yes I knew he was listening just outside the door. I used it to my advantage) until he finally says 'I can't believe you're doing this' and leaves for real.

It was then that I realized I broke the entire thing with three quick jabs. I don't care. Once again, I know he's stupid and a loser and an asshole who isn't good enough for me. He wasn't nice and never appreciated my gestures or made any attempts to help me build a friendship. He can fuck himself.

This morning, I woke my lappy up and there was an IM from him:

Liam: Snarkypants
Liam: im not sure why we we're yelling mean shit at eachother when i left

It's because I can't even look at you without being angry and hurt and confused and upset and I'm sick of trying because we WON'T be friends and you're a shallow asshole who can't see how good we'd be together and I don't even WANT you to see anymore cuz I don't want YOU because I hate you and you're not up to my standards.

That's why we were yelling mean shit.

Wow. I Just Had A Thought.

Even If Christopher Mintz-Plasse never does another movie, he will ALWAYS be known as McLOVIN.

Bizarre.

I love Superbad.

IMDB that shit.

Regarding Romance

We have all known for a long time that I have a fucked up past with relationships. All of them ended abruptly and basically on instinct, instituted by me. But only two guys (even though it was I who initially ended it) have still stuck with me, both of them because of how tumultuous our relationships were (With College Fuck, it was always this way, with Liam it has been going on since forevvvvver. Except now, cuz I am totally over it. Mostly.): I never knew where I stood with them. Were they mad, suddenly offended by insults they had laughed at minutes before? Did they want to talk about real, deep things? Things I was scared to tell people (Note: Both boys, except Liam only the first time around, were extremely interested in knowing the real, deep, broken, me. I refused to show them and severed our relationships)? Are they telling me to leave me alone? Are we going to get enough alone time that he'll kiss me?

It was either they wanted all or nothing. And I loved it. The uncertainty, the challenge, the chase. The fight for their affection. It was


INTERESTING!

This is what I want in a boy... but I want one who will eventually settle down and let me catch him.

I've Become Self-Actualized... APRIL FOOLS!

So: Tourney.

That Girl didn't show. I was glad, but I don't care.

I've realized that, as stated before, Liam is no where near good enough for me. No job, no school, no life. All he does is sit around a say stupid things so people will think he's all philosophical and deep. He isn't. So it became clear to me that in fact, I am not interested in him. I have no feelings for him. If he were to throw himself at my feet and beg me for forgiveness and to love him forever, I'd tell him to fuck off and die.

But, as is the way of Snarkypants, there is a catch.

As much distaste as I have for him, I will still be jealous if and when he's all flirty and makey-outy with other girls. I know, fucked right? But that's how it is. At least I'm not pining. I barely think about him any more.

And yeah, last time I said I hated him (and told him that, and ignored him, and he brought his girlfriend to the party we were at, and I looked terrible in my Toga) we ended up fucking (I don't regret it, but I know it was a mistake), this time I mean it. All these years of being hung up on him are over. He is not the boy I liked. He has morphed into a sad loser who even gets shit talked about him by the people he considers his best friends. The only people who actually like him are silly, manipulatable girls who he tricks into thinking he's special.

ANYWAY, so he and That Girl are still conversing (more and more frequently... godspeed, That Girl) over Fizzlebizzle (Facebook) and I keep tabs and get pissed, but I don't emotionally care anymore.

BACK TO TOURNEY TALK!

It was a shitton of fun, even though some people (who had no chance of winning it anyway) took shit waaay too seriously and harshed my mellow a couple of times.

For example, we played this one team. They shot their balls (missed) and one rolled between two tables. So Len shot while I retrieved the ball. I washed it off, shot, and MADE THEIR LAST CUP, and the fat piece of shit bitch we were playing claimed I'd already shot and was taking a second. She even called House Guy over to ref, and since he didn't want to start anything, he just said scrap it and do a re-shoot. We ended up losing the fucking game. Bullshit, I tell you.

OH, and I ended up playing Liam, who unfortunately ended up paired with the best pong player ever so we lost to them. We could've totally beat him and anyone else, but the gods were against us. AND, the ONE SHOT he made he BANKED OFF MY TITS. Which sucked, cuz our team uniforms were v. v. big on the cleavage. Oh well. We looked bomb as hell.

Also, Sidenote: Liam ended up being a retarded and fucking his hand up by putting in through a window. I was super nice and like nursed him and he didn't even care. What a waste of time. I won't bother being nice to that asshole ever again.

So, the tourney was pretty bomb over all. I had a grand time.

On to the work situation.

Still at NY&Co., but I have my vintage interview on Thursday. My feet are way pussies and hurt so bad when I stand all day. It's a bit better when I'm hopped up on excessive amounts of Ibuprofen. I still want the vintage job, but getting downtown from Suburbia will be hard. I will make it work.

Other than that, things are pretty basic. Oh, and today is my day off so Female Unit took it upon herself to take the day off as well so we could 'practice riding the bus.' So much for a fucking day off. I actually just got back and there was much fighting and lecturing and shit and it was stupid. As I was typing part of this in fact, she was sitting in her telling me it's not her fault that I'm not independent. Uhm, actually, never letting me figure anything out for myself is why I'm so crippled at doing things on my own.

Whatever.

I want to do something completely foolish tonight.

Embarassing Questions

Who, at age nineteen, plays pot tops as if they were cymbals?

Why, me of course.

My life is so sad. Hahahaha.

Yes, Snarkypants, LAUGH THROUGH THE PAIN.

Moving on after that bit of Multiple Personality Disorder... oh wow. I just thought of something. What if someone just had a Personality Disorder? Someone whose personality is just innately sucky? You can't really truly change your personality. You'd be living a sham of a life. Dissssmal.

Hahahahaha I swear I know some retarded Those Girls like that who don't actually seem to have a personality. I'd rather be who I am than have guys chase me for no substantial reason. I will be wanted for who I am, not what I look like. WERD.

This is getting pretty heavy, yo, so now here are some more embarrassing questions.

(Note: All questions involve something that has happened in like the last twenty minutes. I swear to god I am so awkward that it hurts to exist. But I share it with you, my darlings, because I don't mind a laugh at my expense to bring a smile to your rosy-cheeked little faces)

Who sets a wet sponge on fire, totally burning the edge, and then trims the burnt shit on it with the kitchen scissors?

Me, and yes, I washed them off.

Who then spends a good two minutes letting water run like a wasteful asshole because she is intrigued by the idea (and also the practice, which she was doing. Fortunately alone, because if anyone saw her she would be hauled off to the nut house with all the nuts and the squirrels) of cutting the running water with aforementioned kitchen scissors and photographing it?

I fear I will never find anyone who appreciates my little joys and clumsy stories. Le sigh.

And now That Girl is signed up to play pong tomorrow two. Luckily, not against Liam, But I HAVE to do better than her. I don't know why. I don't even want him anymore (lie, but not that MUCH) but I just need to prove I am at least superior in some aspect.

Gargargar I hope tomorrow is fun and I am not distressed by those two retards' antics.

Pee Ess: I go in for my 'On-Boarding' (training... which they could've just called 'Training,' but nooo, they need a kicky, pseudo-corporate name to trick all the sad people who end up spending their lives managing that processed sack of fashion lies that their lives aren't so sad. FUCK THIS NINE TO FIVE SHIT!) with the manager tonight. I have a fucking WORK BOOK with COMPREHENSION QUESTIONS. YOU HAVE TO BE 18 TO WORK THERE. I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. How retarded do they think people are. Chrisssst.

I have to put together three outfits. Sounds, sorta fun, right? WRONG. Then you have to fill out a fucking WORK SHEET writing fucking PARAGRAPHS about which one is your favourite and why. What the hell is this!?

So that's what I have to look forward to from six to half-past nine. Woo. And then I get to work almost full time tooling around.

I hate that this is what I have to do to earn money.