Oh, The Hills.

Since the beginning, you have never disappointed me. Sometimes with storylines so dramatic and over the top that it makes me want to alternately give you kisses and kick your ass.

But this? This? You have exceeded my expectations.


Heidi and Spencer are breaking up. For realz. None of this, him moving out/taking a break shit, but the whole cut-your-losses-and-move-on fandango.

I LOVE IT!

Heidi basically ruined a best friendship over NOTHING. A DOUCHE-BAGGY GREASEBALL GUY WITH NO JOB WHO ISN'T EVEN ATTRACTIVE.

AND NOW YOU AREN'T EVEN TOGETHER.

What a stupid cunt. This is why it is a firm rule in The Snarkypants Manifesto that it is ALWAYS Chicks Before Dicks.

But I still LOVE The Hills.


For the record, I just saw that as a commercial for the next episode, and am currently watching Parental Control. The chick dude's parents want to get rid of is fucking HILARIOUS. She's super sarcastic and spot on with parental insults. WHY WOULD THEY GET RID OF HER? SHE'S GREAT!

Daytime Teevee Ponderings

I wonder how it feels to be the fat* Kardashian.

At least she doesn't seem as retarded as Kim and Kim-Clone. I feel so bad for the young daughters. Hahaha I saw this one episode where one of them was making fun of Kim's egocentricity and spoiled-cunt attitude.

I also pity Bruce. What a fucking nightmare having to be around those mentally deficient tarts all the time.



*I don't think she's fat. Or ugly. But compared to her anorexic, silicone enhanced sisters? My self-esteem would be shit.

I Get So Easily Sent On Tangents Of Obsession

So I was watching Tim And Eric Awesome Show Great Job! (love it, IMDB those guys, they also do Tom Goes To The Mayor) and I actually watched the credits for once (which is sad, as I've been watching this since it started... my attention span is so wack) and noticed the animation studio that did the bizarre intro.

So of course I Googled it and shit, and now I'm obsessed with finding his commercials (or anti-mmercials as he calls them) and videos and shit. They are so bizarre and spazzy. I love it. Very unique and they actually keep my attention.

Davy Force Anti-Mation. Check that shit out. Snapppps.

I so want to be friends with him.

Hurray! I Was Rooting For Her.

Ambre won Rock Of Love II. Daisy was an idiot.

Bret Michaels isn't such a bad guy. He's not completely gross like Flavor Flav. I hope he and Ambre actually work out cuz she seems like a real person and she deserves to be happy.

And I love that she was actually eliminated in the FIRST EPISODE, but some other chick decided to leave, so she got to stay. Fate.

W00t.

Humanizing Polygamists

I watched the entire first season of Big Love this weekend. I love it so much. The story lines are phenomenal, the acting is perfect, and the characters are so intricate it's beautiful.

And even though everyone hates Nicki, she does try to be a good person. When she fucks up she's usually just trying to do what she thinks is best. Who can blame her psychosis with her father being who he is?

IMDB that shit.

HAHAHA I'm Watching That Show On TLC About The Midget Family

'Little People, Big World' or whatever the fuck it's called.

Hahaha they're visiting the Grand Canyon (think about how big it would seem to them haha) and Midget Dad is is afraid to go across it on this glass walkway thing cuz it's so high up and he can see it.

WHAT?! He KNOWS it's safe. Like they would let something that imperative have any possibility of collapsing. What a fucking idiot. I don't care if he's a midget or not, that's still retarded.

Regular Son (who is the youngest) prods him along. Hurray. Claps for you, Regular Son.

They showed a preview of the next episode shows Regular Son fighting Midget Twin (the former is taller than the latter). MUST SEE. I would be pissed to be Midget Twin, getting screwed out of being taller.

No, I didn't say 'normal,' because I don't have weird pointless prejudices against people who are 'different.' They're the same as anyone.

And Midget Mom and Regular Daughter have a girl day together. PRECIOUS!

Must see it.

IMDB that shit.

Ewww that show where the 'straight' guy and the fucking annoying bitch plastic surgery catastrophe come and give some poor woman 'fashion.' Okay, yeah it's kind of cool to show someone how to dress more flatteringly, thus giving more confidence and whatnot, Lady Stylist is a fucking cunt. A cuntbag. A cuntburger. And sometimes she takes away the quirkiness of the women themselves. So sad.

Anyway, I just remembered. I packed a bowl aaaages ago. I'm going to torch that shit. Grin.

And then watch Superbad, even though I am still WAY too intrigued by Michael Cera. It is so unhealthy, I don't even want to talk about it.

He is just too perfect for me though.

Now I want to go watch Clark And Michael (www.clarkandmichael.com oh my sweet chocolate JESUS it is hilarious. Snaps for them.).

Oh Well, I Don't Mind Talking To Myself

I am playing hooky from work. I just felt like it. Yesterday was notttt a day off, and tomorrow won't be either.

No no no, this will not become a regular occurrence.

I SWEAR!

Regarding Yesterday's... Wait For It

VIDEO TRAINING! I forgot to mention that yesterday, along with filling out papers, I had the privilege of viewing the New York & Company Official On-Boarding Videos. These included such exciting and fun filled segments as:

-OUR GOALS FOR 2007-
Not to worry, the assistant manager ASSURED me that the goals for 2008, read by the endearing creepy uncle founder, would be here soon!

-HOW JEWELRY IS MADE-
I learned a lot from this segment. Like how many different types of metal the gold jewelry is dipped in, what a cuff bracelet is, and that the entire 'hand be-jeweled jewelry' staff is entirely made up of depressed and over made-up (probably for the visiting cameras) Hispanic women.

-SELLING BATH PRODUCTS-
If a customer won't let you spray shit on them, explain to them that you are going to put some on your OWN hand, do so, and then shove it into their face and force them to smell it. They've GOTTA want it now! Note: Every customer, no matter what their previous objections, will mention at least THREE TIMES how great whatever scent they sampled is. If they fall short or especially if they DON'T MENTION THE FRAGRANCE AS ALL, get a manager immediately. This customer is a secret terrorist.

-HARASSING PEOPLE INTO SIGNING UP FOR THE CREDIT CARD-
Not actually what the segment was called, but there is no way in FUCK that I am going to harass some poor person in a dressing room until they deny it AT LEAST THREE TIMES. That's what the fucking Male Salesman (aka trying to increase diversity and the myth that men would ever work there) told me.

If you want to see all this (And More!) just apply for a job at your local New York & Company and the cinema magic will haunt your dreams for decades!

I Swear It Won't Turn Into One Of 'Those' Blahgs

But PARIS HILTON AND BENJI MADDEN?! WHAT THE FUCK?!
I know Joel got little miss Nicole Richie knocked up, and even though she's no Riot Girrl (um, Joel? THAT SONG WAS A LIE. HILLARY DUFF? What was with THAT bullshit?!) but I love her. On The Simple Life shes hilarious and a total dick while Paris just sashays around calling things hot. WASTE OF SPACE ALERT.

Seriously, I am heartbroken. I LOVE Good Charlotte (yes, still)! Their first two albums were boss and their third wasn't bad (don't even mention the fourth to me. I'd rather pretend its techno bullshit didn't exist) and they are still rad as fuck even though I'm no longer in middle school.

SO PLEASE, BENJI. I see where you're coming from: The dumpier of twins gets a 'hot,' super-tall, super-thin model. But can beauty really make up for brains? Hellz no. DUMP THAT SLUT.

I guesstimate they will be broken up by late April to early May.

At least I hope so.


IN OTHER NEWS,

no job yet. My favourite vintage (and I mean hardcore 40s, 50s vintage) store is hiring and I put in an application, but have gotten no word from them (nor anyone else) which is Bummerville. But I shall keep you updated.

ALSO, my homie I'm co-hosting Rainbow Extravaganza on Saturday with has found a rainbow top that she got in ages past. So we went on a quest for rainbow-tastic clothes and came back with

nothing.

I'm spazzing cuz this is the first party I've thrown and I'm going to look like a pile of retards if I don't find something rad.

Gargargar.


Also, it is my nineteenth birthday today. Huffah!

Observations

Observation: The straw wrappers here have a distinct pattern printed on them. It matches the design on the cups. The 'art' is probably copyrighted.

What. The fuck. Why does everything have to be all unnecessarily decorated?

Please recall what I said in the last post:

I am still drunk from last night. Bahahaha.

Observation: Tom Goes To The Mayor (which I am currently watching) has hella gay and pedophilic undertones. It's creepy, yet hilarious.

Observation: I am watching the episode guest starring Sarah Silverman. I effing love her, just like all white people (http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/2008/02/04/52-sarah-silverman/ and by the way that site is DEAD ON and completely brilliant. I like about 97% of everything mentioned.). I must say though that my favourite episode is season two, episode fifteen: Undercover. It was actually on adultswim.com recently. And it also guest stars Michael Cera. Who I am becoming pathetically obsessed with.

I think if we ever met he'd like me. Is that stupid? Hahaha

Roommate Example:

So I'm laying on the couch watching teevee and she leaves. I decided to switch to my loft bed. She comes back in.

She's with two of her retard friends and sees The Disney Channel is on (Hannah Montana-- fuck you haters, that show is adorable) and turns to them and says in her high, annoying little bitch tone 'She watches this allll daaay.'

First of all, Cuntasaurus Rex, I do NOT watch it all day. I can't. IT'S NOT ON ALL DAY. Okay okay, taking this literally. But seriously. All she does is drink and act like a slut and giggle. Yeah, that is much better than watching (henceforth supporting) a budding young actress that is actually a positive role model for girls.

I hate the bitch. I want to chainsaw her arms off and beat her to death with them.


I've decided I'm stealing something of hers when she leaves.

Currently I Am

Eating mini muffins and drinking out of a half-gallon jug of milk
Sitting in my lofted bed with the butterfly comforter and sheets
With my three stuffed friends I always sleep with
And my brand new pink piggy finger puppet named Dickens
Watching Tom Goes To The Mayor
About to smoke more happiness
With my pink lighter (Pinky) that my friends and I acquired on Car Adventure (more on that later)
Out of an unnamed pipe (and name suggestions?) that was given to me (handed down, as it were) From my best friend
Who got it from her ex-boyfriend-turned-friend, who is my friend too
A good friend of mine who actually broke it in with her and me, smoking out of it for the first time Only days after meeting her because we bonded so quickly

I just spent a good thirty seconds trying to scratch a period off the screen cuz I didn't realize I typed it.

Now to go smoke with my animal friends.

RESULTS:

SHE DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT MY ARM. She took my word for it. AKA I can't wear tank tops and tee shirts for NO REASON.

Anyway, she gave me all these different ways to tell the Units that I need to go home, like making an appointment with my shrink at home and emailing my mom and shit. Stuff I will probably do.

So that's where I am. The counselor totally backs my want to withdraw from school before I flunk out and fuck myself for eternity.

So, in other news, I went to the school store and bought processed cheese slices and Oscar Mayer (the ONLY reason I remembered how to spell that is because I totally just sang the 'my bologna has a first name' song) summer sausage and I am very excited. I LOVE sandwiches, but I also love breadless sandwiches... AKA meat and cheese.

My roommate (more on her later... oh god) needs to LEAVE so I can smoke some weed (I have perfected a way of doing it in my dorm room) and eat my snackums.

Yes, I do 'drugs' (which it HARDLY is) and I've been doing it a lot more recently, due to not attending classes and having nothing to do, and OH YEAH, because it's fucking fun and feels amAzing.

I just sit stoned and watch Tom Goes To The Mayor, Xavier: Renegade Angel (EVERYONE check those shows out. TGTTM is completely ridic and Xavier is just... there are not words), and House, M.D. (who I would totally bang. I love the emotionless witty guys)

Don't judge me. It's fun.