Oh Jimmy. The Blahgs Not Dead, She's Just Sleeping

So, biggest news first:

I QUIT NEW YORK & COMPANY! Hahahaha, I did it very unprofessionally cuz I knew I wouldn't get a good reference from there anyway. I changed my voice mail to say I had moved to Portugal and was never coming back, and that I wouldn't be in to work that day or ever again.

I know. I'm cool.

But I'm getting loads of hours at Vintage Store though and I LOVE IT!!! I made my first display the other day hahahaha.

Real Boy took me to dinner and came over the other night and stayed til the wee hours of the morning doing makeouts with me. I told him I'm a virgin just for fun. That way, if we ever fuck it'll be funny hahaha.

Another promising young lad found me on CraigsList. He's 19 and seems AWESOME. I gave him my number and told him to text me.

Have I mentioned Real Boy is more like... uhhhh. Real Man?

Um. He's 26.

Yeah.

ANYWAY, downtown living is amAzing, Friend 1 and I don't want to kill each other yet, and life is generally noice.

I NEED TO GET A BETTER WIFI RECEIVER SO I CAN START UPDATING FREQUENTLY AGAIN.

Oh Oh!

And Friend 1's nephew has a crush on me. And, okay, he's like 17 and that would make me a pedophile, but he's cute and funny and a cool dudeizzle. And Friend 1 has explicitly banned each of us from hooking up with the other. Hahahaha. Saaad.

But funny, considering that on Saturday night he made out with Len and on Sunday morning he asked Friend 1 for MY number.

Score one for Snarkypants!

NOT DEAD!

Just BUSY! The apartment [henceforth known as Chez Yuppie... hahahaha] has ONLY been fully set up since yesterday.

So right now I'm relaxing before I go to Vintage Job and work all day.

Annndddd... Uhhhh...

I think I kinda sorta have a date. Tonight.

With a never before mentioned on here CraigsList guy. We're going to The Comedy Club. Fun...?

And no. I still haven't hung out with Real Boy. Because we are both retarded hahahaha. But that's part of his appeal.

And the other night, Friend 1 and another friend of mine

Pause.

This 'another friend' needs an introduction. She is one of my bestest friends in the entire world. Due to some constant grounding (her parents are fascists but now that she's 18 they can't do shhhiiit hahaha)and disagreements with a couple of my ladies in The Foxy Foursome, we were not able to see each other for a looong time. But now she is FREE! and we are constantly hanging out and I love it. She gets the only nickname I could ever call her by: Risk.

Play.

we sitting around, Hookahing and Happinessing and we ended up pulling out my box of fortunes (yeah, fortune cookie fortunes. I know, I'm stupid. I collect pointless bullshit. I also have boxes full of soda bottle caps and sea glass.) and asking it questions (and oh how I hope it becomes a regular activity. Sooo funny) and Friend 1 asked 'what will come of the Snarkypants and Real Boy situation?'

And the fortune she pulled?

":) Happy life is just in front of you. :)"

NO SHIT. WITH THE FUCKING SMILEY FACES AND EVERYTHING.

Maybe I shouldn't be going out with this other guy. Maybe I should cancel and go out with him instead.


You know, I'm just gonna be upfront. 'I could go on a date with this guy or on one with you instead. Which would you prefer?' Something like that.

GAHHH I'm gonna do it right now.

Huffah!

It is my ONE HUNDREDTH POST! I feel that I have officially stuck to a blahg and will be able to continue to do so. I am happy enough with life so be able to write -frequently- about it.

And you lovelies will get to read every bit. :]

AND ANNOUNCEMENT! FRIEND 1 AND I HAVE SNAGGED A SUBLET DOWNTOWN FOR SUMMER! I am going to explode into a cloud of rainbow glitter and unicorn stickers.

We must christen it.

WE ARE SIGNING THE LEASE TOMORROW!

This Summer is going to be amAzing. Best. Ever.


And thank you for those who read this. I promise more zany adventures and retarded emotional rollercoaster rides! Yayyy!

Love,
Snarkypants

Working Girl

So Vintage Store opened yesterday! It was FUCKING AWESOME! I love the people, the location, the clothes, the store (oh my God it's sooo cute. It looks AMAZING), and my BOSS! She is basically what I aspire to be (after I hippie around for awhile). She is so cool.

I also interviewed at Kitsch Store. I think it went well and I came off v. v. poised and responsible, yet quirky and friendly. He said if I pass le first draft I will be called back for another interview. To become an actual employee, you have to go through a long process with trial periods and shit, but I think I can do it, that I'd like the job, and that it would be worth it.

I also put in an application to Urban Outfitters. There is a message on my machine asking me to call and schedule an interview :] so I figure I will probably get one of those jobs, get my awesome juicy summer sublet with Friend 1 (we have a showing todaaaay!), and have the best summer EVER.



It's so nice to have something to look forward to.

First Encounters Of The Perfect Boy Kind.

Hanging out with Perfect Guy:

We (me, my friend Shutterbug and her Cousin) were downtown for Photogging Adventure (it was really super fun! We got smoothies and stalked boys and talked shit and took really fun [hopefully they turn out well] photos). We met him and his Broseph and their friend downtown.

We went back to their house, got stoned, listened to them play acoustic guitars and sing (they are soooooo goood. SO FUCKING GOOD. Snaps. Perfect Guy's Band... I might tell the name later but probably not, to save anonymity.), played classic Nintendo (SO FUN), and got fried rice (he served it up to everyone in bowls with spoons. So cute. And he totally got us seconds too). It was grand. His brother and his two friends I met were really chill and funny and bomb. Cousin totally wants Broseph now hahaha. And he... is v. v. rad. So cute, funny, sarcastic. I don't know if there's really chemistry there yet or if I Like him, but I would very much like to hang out with him again and find out.




Pee Ess-- I texted him and said 'blah blah fun, you're an Indie Dreamboat (I KNOW I KNOW. I'M FUCKING STUPID), should do it again even if you're not interested. And he totally said he enjoyed my company and we should definitely do it again. But at the end he said 'We'll see' without a period or whatever. So it's hanging in my head like an unfinished thought.

I'm guessing it's in reference to being interested. And I'm okay with that. I don't want another 'I like you, I like you too, let's date, *fuck*(or *fuck*, let's date, depending on the physical attraction. I know, such a tart). I want to get to know him, and if I do like him, do things RIGHT for once. A little courtship, a chance to develop REAL feelings before getting too physical and making the entire relationship about sex. I know. She grows up so fast.

I'll keep you updated, duckies.

Tee Hee.

I always love seeing that one of my exes has broken up with their girlfriend.

Facebook provides me with a little ray of vindictive sunshine.

(It was Metal Kevin, eff why eye. And his stupid-looking blondey-blonde 'I love you always' girl. I can't decide if I want to hang out with him again or not. But I still LOVE that HE contacted ME and asked to get together WHILE HE WAS DATING AFOREMENTIONED CHICK. I am le pimp fo sho.)

420 (FINALLY)

SO 4-20 was GREAT. I hung out with The Foxy Foursome allll day.

First, they came over in the morning for some delightful wake-and-bake action. Brownie and I shared a screwdriver cuz we are that hardcore. She also rolled the saddest joint ever (named Lolita) that with our mad skillz we managed to smoke. And in the midst of Lolita, I decided we should pass a bowl around simultaneously.

Then we maxed out on junk food and decided to go DOWNTOWN!

I stopped by one of my favourite hippie stores and got my very own and FIRST PIPE! It is PERFECT for me. It's small and pink (but with a decent-sized bowl) and has little cherries on the side. I named her Jubilee (get it?! Also, ish in honour of the X-Woman) and it was definitely love at first sight.

Then we went to Ian's Pizza where they had free brownies at 4:20. They were okay, but being stoned made them supa delicious. We also ran into some other friends and it was grand.

Then we rented some movies and watched The Doom Generation (which I have seen before and is completely twisted and I LOVE. Snaps, Greg Araki) and smoked more and then The Foxy Foursome dispersed.



Then, at like 1:30 in the morning, Liam and I hung out.

I swear to god it would have been amAzing fun if I had been with anyone else. We got blitzed and broke into Olbrich Gardens to explore. It was completely beautiful in the moonlight, so surreal and quiet. Very Garden Of Eden. And of course it was lost on him. He got all paranoid cuz he's a fucking idiot so we left. Then on the way home, he asked some question (I don't remember exactly what it was) about our strange relationship, and I was completely honest and told him I think he's a huge asshole and I keep trying super hard to be friends and he's a douche cuz he never puts forth any effort. I asked him what his take on the situation is.

He said he didn't have one.

He had absolutely nothing to say for himself. When he dropped me off, he said 'see you later.' I responded 'no, you won't' and slammed the door and walked away, leaving him yelling something about me slamming things.

I know. I keep saying I'm never gonna waste time on him again. BUT THEN I DO. But honest to Christ, that was the last time. I keep thinking if we got a chance to talk, things would be good. But he'll never talk, and he's not worth spending time with. He's not the guy I used to know. Now he's just a big unmotivated, egomaniacal asshole who isn't worth the pixels on this page to write about.

There may be more Liam quips and unsavory interactions between the two of us in the future (at parties and whatnot... I am NEVER going to knowingly hang out with that bag of fuck ever again), but this is officially

The Last Chapter Of Liam In Snarkypants Land.

Hahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

So some guy from my high school responded to my CL ad.

The great thing is, I actually had a little fling with him my... junior year? And then proceeded to break his heart, as I am wont to do.

Do I really sound THAT MUCH like myself?

Garr I Never Feel Encouraged.

So I'm applying for more jobs downtown cuz I wanna live down there and quit NY&Co. so I can establish myself there (Friend 1 and I wanna try to get a cheapy one bedroom sublet for summer) and Female Unit is totally discouraging me.

So I'm kinda of in too downer of a mood to blahg. :[

But I will leave you on a happy Note:



I hung out with Perfect Guy on Saturday.

I Don't Want To Beat Around The Bush

So I just emailed Perfect Guy and asked him to call me so we could hang out.

Yup, I put myself all the way out there and there's no going back.

He's probably going to decline my offer


but at least I tried.

(And my title ALWAYS makes me think of Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo. Snaps, Bloodhound Gang!)

From The Rejected Files

I have expelled quite a few CraigsLister emails from the hallowed womb that is my inbox. All of them were open, reviewed, and dismissed, either because of a lack of physical/personality..al attraction, or just cuz the person was a retard (no offense Army Man Haack, but an email titled ‘Hello darling (UNCLASSIFIED) [though I know the unclassified is not necessarily of your doing)(and no offense, guy who asked what my maximum age limit is. I am listed as being 19. What the fuck. If you have to ask, you shouldn’t be writing in the first place. Homie don’t play no 47 year old creepers.).

But a couple have slipped through my initial screening process

Okay, I have to pause. This whole thing is making me sound like I think I’m hot shit. I KNOW I’M NOT. I’m advertising myself on CRAIGSLIST for chrissake. I just am a dick and think I’m being funny and witty talking about guys I consider basic losers/assholes/general tragic cases.

I won’t rehash Girl Voice Guy and I would neva NEVA reject Perfect Guy. But everyone else is free game! WOO!

ANYWAY.

…slipped through my initial screening process and I began corresponding with them.

THESE ARE MY STORIES.

File A

So this guy sends me this message:


“Hi, Im James. Couldnt sleep, so I figured I would respond to your post that I read today. A little bit about me... I just recently turned 20 and am a sophomore in the engineering school at UW. I am tall (6'3") and thin, so I suppose I could aptly be described as lanky. I've included a picture of me. Im the one on the far left. The one on the far right is my twin brother, although you wouldnt know it to look at us.

Im a very open and honest individual. Im really easy to get along with and I love to laugh. Ive been told that I have a dry and sarcastic sense of humor. I dont do drugs (probably would still tell you that even if I did though), but I do enjoying drinking when I can.

As far as musical tastes go, my favorite band without a doubt is Wilco. You might not be very familiar with them, but I love everything they have done. Besides them, im into mostly classic and alt rock and alternative country (dont be fooled by the name, it is actually quite good).

I love sports. Especially football (Go Packers!). I play a lot of basketball at the gym and tennis occasionally when its nice outside. I try and stay pretty active and maintain a healthy body.

I am looking for a relationship, but would be ok with just being friends if thats how things go. Anyways, if I sound like someone you would like to know, just email me back and we can figure out something to go and do. My cell number is listed below too if you would prefer to call. Hope to hear back from you.


[Information redacted]”


And he attached a picture.

Well, okay. He was decently cute. Tall and lanky? Plus. Into Wilco (and thus Indie music)? Plus.

Blah blah sports guys stuff? Whatever.

Sounding like a fucking robot sending out a mass emailed message to every chick that posts cuz you’re so desperate?

FISSION MAILED.

I am SO not into a guy not putting effort into something like this.

(Uhm, yeah, I know it’s CraigsList, but I kind of… care? Now Perfect Guy? His email was fucking AWESOME. But we do not speak of him here!)

If he can’t even be bothered to put some sort of personality or genuine humor into what is basically a first impression, he isn’t good enough for me. Or any other girl with some self-worth.

OH. But so, he was tall and lanky and I am a LITTLE shallow, I wrote back:

“Of COURSE I've heard of Wilco. Ehhh they're a little country-twangy for me, but oddly enough, She's A Jar? One of my favourite songs of all time. I could listen to that on loop for days. Also, the girl in the song reminds me of me. I know, super self-absorbed right? No, not really.

I do drugs. Well, I smoke. And I drink. But neither interferes with my life so I figure I'm good.

I know that was probably some copy-paste message you sent to a bunch of chicks, but you seem interesting. So if you feel like it, write me back.”

And HE responds thusly:

“Hello again, Heinous Highness. I like the name, but out of curiosity, what is your real name? Sorry for the somewhat late response too. Yesterday was actually my birthday, so you can imagine that I was a little preoccupied. Anyways, I found it kind of funny that you dislike Wilco's country-twang, because that is precisely what I like about them. It actually saddens me that in their most recent albums, they've shyed away from their roots.

Musical differences aside, I suppose Ill tell you a little more about myself. I am from Racine, WI and majoring in electrical engineering. To be honest, I am not very passionate about my major, just in it for the big bucks really. I dont mind someone that smokes, it just has never appealed to me.

So whats your situation? Going to school here? Where are you from?


Also, in response to that copy-paste comment, this is actually only my third craigslist reply. The other two being when I bought football/concert tickets. I tried to avoid sounding so generic, but it appears I failed.

Later.”

Musical differences aside, James, you seem very bland. Sorry.

AND. AND. I ALMOST DIED. THAT WASN’T A GENERIC RESPONSE?!

I fear his boringosity would suck my soul straight from my body.


File B

I received the following message:

“Hello there dream girl, meet your dream guy. Not really, but we'll work towards that. Judging by your ad, you seem to have quite a bit of spunk which is the number one quality I look for in a girl. High five........or you could leave me hanging that's cool too. Let's see, I stand at 6'4 so I guess I miiiight fit your height requirement. I could make a joke, about you meeting mine and being tall enough to ride me, but I figure that's probably below my maturity level, or not, who knows, I guess you'll have to e-mail me back to find out. Not a huge fan of punk rock or metal, but really into alternate and classic rock. I listen to a lot of acoustic stuff, really down with a few "stoner bands." Lately, I've been listening to A LOT of Joseph Arthur and Elliot Smith. I grew up listening to Billy Joel and CCR. I suppose since you seem like a music buff, that may be an interesting conversation. You yell things in public, I happen to do the same. I think awkward situations are really funny. I'm the kid who steps in an elevator with others and something subtle will make me laugh. In turn I usually get some pretty odd looks. I also like to party, sometimes I go overboard, but seriously who doesn't? Alrighty, rockin it.”

Initial response? Me likey! V. v. tall, JOKED, decent music taste, endearing sign-off. He seemed like… a real person. Someone I’d hang out with. Le response?

“Hahahaha. What do you consider 'stoner bands?' I'm not really that big of a music buff, just a huge fan. I'll listen to anything once.

And I would never leave a high five hanging. WITCHA! Consider that your e-high five.

Tall enough to ride? I'd need a ladder. You perv.

So yeah, you caught my interest. Say more things. I'm bored.

If you could get a tattoo of anything, anywhere, what would it be?

What do you consider the narstiest vegetable and why?

What is the most dangerous thing you've done lately?”



Banter continues.

So yeah, whatev, we email more. He ends up asking why I put my shizz on CraigsList. I tell him I was bored, wanna meet guys, whatever. He tells me he did his as a bet with his friends, to see who could get the most girls. And he finally sends a picture. Not. Cute. At all. (Fuck you all, physical attraction does come into play in a relationship.)

I point out that HE contacted ME.

By this time, both cuz he looks not like I’m into and because he reveals his origins with CL (also, his conversation was beginning to lack) were of poor intentions.

OH OH! He also had THIS to share (apparently the ‘competition‘ was over before he emailed me):

“you seemed like a pretty cool chick, the bet was over and done with, and I figured karma would bite me in the ass for toying with the emotions of women so I shot a response in your direction.”

SUCH a GENTLEMAN. How kind of him to save my broken heart.

What a fucktard.

FISSION MAILED.

Oh. My. [Perfect Boy] God.

So. One of the guys that responded to my ad?

He is the cousin of a friend from University.

He is. So fucking cool.

Like, his email was AWESOME. I straight-out told him it was the best response I had gotten. And the more I hear about him and know about him (she's telling me some stuff and she sent me his MySpace... I am such a creeper) the more awesome I think he is. Like, I am completely infatuated with him. I AM going to meet him.

I really hope he likes me.

Seriously, I haven't been this excited in ages.

Oh my god. This could be the start of something wonderful.

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

I almost forgot!

From this hippie baby and her merry band of bleeding heart recycling Liberals to yours.

I feel like planting a tree. Too bad it's so shitty out.

I'm All Typed Out, Lately

Because I have taken my desperateness to a whole new level.

I put up a CraigsList personal ad.

A ton of guys have responded, so I've been writing to the potentially worth-while ones.

Sadly, I started talking to this guy hardcore yesterday and we were actually gonna hang out, but plans got messed up. He wants to hang out today. He seems like a funnyish, cool person, but he called me

AND HE HAS A TOTAL GIRL VOICE. He sounds GAY. Seriously. Sooo now I don't know what to do. How disappointing. I still may hang out with him, cuz it's kind of bitchy not to just cuz of his voice, but come on! How can I get to know someone if every time they open their mouth I'm trying not to laugh!?

I PROMISE 4-20/Liam/CraigsList replies SOON! Probably later today.

HAPPY HIGH DAY!

It is 4-20, everyone! And being the hippiebabyflowergirl that I am, I am going to spend it stooooned and happy with my ladies Friend 1, Death, and Brownie.

Yesterday was amAzing, sitting on a dock with the girls, talking about life and drinking screwdrivers, but I shall talk about it tomorrow when I let you know what The Foxy Foursome does to celebrate today!

Loooove!

Everything With Us Is Tumultuous.

I won't go into details of yesterday, mainly because they don't matter. We went and saw music, went to parties, people across the road fought blah blah.

The main point of interest (to me at least) was my interaction with Liam.

So I call my friend and he's with a group of people, including Liam, and I'm like 'hey, people all left House Guy's so you can come over.' So they did, but then our friend kicked everyone out (except me and my ladies cuz we is cool like that) cuz House Guy wasn't there (even though he wouldn't have cared... but I am not about to argue with a huge black man.).

In the five-minute span of Liam actually being there, I completely trashed any sort of relationship we had, friendly, casual, or what have you. After years of dancing around the whole matter, I basically shot it in the face. And I'm totally proud of myself that I could do it so quickly and easily. Sick, isn't it?

I had his phone for a long time, cuz I was nice enough to go retrieve it from the woods where fucking retarded dropped it. I held onto it because it would give me and excuse to get him to see me. It never really worked out like and then I realized I didn't care, so I was prepared to give it back to him.

I walk into the room, and the first thing he says, no hello or anything, is 'where is my phone?' To myself, I'm thinking that he's a complete ass. I am right. So I respond 'what?' and the conversation proceeds thusly:

'Where is my phone?'
'What?'
'My phone.'
'What?'
'My PHONE.'
'What?'
'Okay, put it in your purse and then the next time you see me, give it to me.'
'What are you talking about?'
[Inaudible mumblings of frustration as he gives up and turns away so I know he's ignoring me.]

So then I take his phone out and throw it at him and walk into the other room. Except I hear him say 'finally.' This does not please me. Not at all.

So I go in there, little hothead that I am, and start talking in raised tones about how rude that is and how he didn't even thank me, etcetera etcetera. He thanks me and I tell him to fuck off cuz he had to be prompted.

Five minutes later and everyone is booted, except, as our enforcer friend said 'these fine ladies,' meaning me and my homies. So Liam pops his head in the door and says 'what if I make fine ladies appear?'.... yes. Meaning That Girl. I am officially pissed. I basically invited him and he goes and invites her? He HAS to be aware that I had some... romantic issues with him. Or else he's stupider than I thought. So enforcer friend says 'especially you have to go, Liam.' So I hop on the bandwagon of course and start railing on him about him leaving because hes an asshole than no one likes and that he should just accept that everyone hates him. He keeps walking to the door and back and finally says to me, 'bye, smelly.'

I take that and run with it. All the way to fucking China.

Back story: When Liam and I dated a million years ago, he had a body odor problem (Note: I noticed that he smelled a bit... ripe when we fucked that time. I had to hold back my laughter) that I constantly hinted to him about and he never got. There are incidences of him refusing my proffered deodorant and a friend of mine attacking him with air freshener just to beat back the smell. After I dumped him, I wrote about how he smelled bad on my website at the time. He saw it and IMed me asking, 'when did you decide I smell?' I told him always. I think I still have the AIM conversation saved on my old computer. Yeah. I'm one of those people.

So of COURSE I say 'I'm smelly? I'M smelly?!' and proceed to start telling everyone in the room the story you just heard. He just keeps popping his head in and out of the room, hearing more (oh yes I knew he was listening just outside the door. I used it to my advantage) until he finally says 'I can't believe you're doing this' and leaves for real.

It was then that I realized I broke the entire thing with three quick jabs. I don't care. Once again, I know he's stupid and a loser and an asshole who isn't good enough for me. He wasn't nice and never appreciated my gestures or made any attempts to help me build a friendship. He can fuck himself.

This morning, I woke my lappy up and there was an IM from him:

Liam: Snarkypants
Liam: im not sure why we we're yelling mean shit at eachother when i left

It's because I can't even look at you without being angry and hurt and confused and upset and I'm sick of trying because we WON'T be friends and you're a shallow asshole who can't see how good we'd be together and I don't even WANT you to see anymore cuz I don't want YOU because I hate you and you're not up to my standards.

That's why we were yelling mean shit.

First Day In Vintage Land!

Sorry... I was gonna lump this and the former together (I can't believe I just said lump... I can't stop thinking about it) but I felt Tuffy deserved her own.

But yeah, the shop isn't open yet (I still haven't decided if I'm going to post the actual name) so I spent four hours ironing.

IT WAS GLORIOUS!

I'M SERIOUS! My boss is SO FUCKING COOL and she brought her hilarious one-year-old again. The time FLEW by. And I LOVE working downtown. This street musician just set up shop right in front of us, playing acoustic guitar and singing (John Lennon, The Beatles, Sublime.. GOOD SHIT) and it was just SOOO COOOOOL.

And I was talking to Boss Lady and she said I was the ONLY person who dressed up for their interview. That's... bizarre in my opinion. Don't you want to come off as professional? Whatever.

ANYWAY, SOSOSO pleased with this job.

I Get So Easily Sent On Tangents Of Obsession

So I was watching Tim And Eric Awesome Show Great Job! (love it, IMDB those guys, they also do Tom Goes To The Mayor) and I actually watched the credits for once (which is sad, as I've been watching this since it started... my attention span is so wack) and noticed the animation studio that did the bizarre intro.

So of course I Googled it and shit, and now I'm obsessed with finding his commercials (or anti-mmercials as he calls them) and videos and shit. They are so bizarre and spazzy. I love it. Very unique and they actually keep my attention.

Davy Force Anti-Mation. Check that shit out. Snapppps.

I so want to be friends with him.

Hurray! I Was Rooting For Her.

Ambre won Rock Of Love II. Daisy was an idiot.

Bret Michaels isn't such a bad guy. He's not completely gross like Flavor Flav. I hope he and Ambre actually work out cuz she seems like a real person and she deserves to be happy.

And I love that she was actually eliminated in the FIRST EPISODE, but some other chick decided to leave, so she got to stay. Fate.

W00t.