Murphy's Law

So of course as soon as I get the NY&Co. job, the vintage store calls me. I have an interview on Thursday morning. I want it sososo bad, but transportation may be a problem. And Female Parental Unit brought up that I may end up working alone in th store, which I don't know how I feel about. Oh well, I'll just ask questions and find out what the dillio is.

Friend 1 also applied there after I told her about it. It would break my heart if my Units wouldn't let me work there and she was doing my dream job without me. Best case scenario- we get to work there together. That would be bomb, boss, rad, gnarly, and all those other terms you crazy kids use.

So On-Boarding wasn't completely retarded like I thought it would be. I didn't have to touch that stupid workbook. All I did basically was greet people and shadow (follow around, stalk, whatev) the manager, who isn't bad. I ish learned the cash register but all the shizz for returns and gift cards is confusing. I'll get the hang of it.

I work today, 1 to 6, but because I am special (ed) and don't drive, I get to take the bus today! Joyous! AND since the bus system in Madisonia is wacked out, I have to take an early one and wait around the mall for an hour. Barnes And Noble, watch out.

I'll try to make some observations on the ride today so you can all feel like you took The Glorious Bus Adventure with me.

Pong tourney tonight. I'm nervous and going to be stressing over the thought of Liam and That Girl all day.

On the plus side, I've basically been not eating for a couple of days and I've lost five ell-bees since being home. I'm still grotesquely obese (in my eyes) but it's a start.

Wish me luck and have a grand weekend.

Regarding Yesterday's... Wait For It

VIDEO TRAINING! I forgot to mention that yesterday, along with filling out papers, I had the privilege of viewing the New York & Company Official On-Boarding Videos. These included such exciting and fun filled segments as:

-OUR GOALS FOR 2007-
Not to worry, the assistant manager ASSURED me that the goals for 2008, read by the endearing creepy uncle founder, would be here soon!

-HOW JEWELRY IS MADE-
I learned a lot from this segment. Like how many different types of metal the gold jewelry is dipped in, what a cuff bracelet is, and that the entire 'hand be-jeweled jewelry' staff is entirely made up of depressed and over made-up (probably for the visiting cameras) Hispanic women.

-SELLING BATH PRODUCTS-
If a customer won't let you spray shit on them, explain to them that you are going to put some on your OWN hand, do so, and then shove it into their face and force them to smell it. They've GOTTA want it now! Note: Every customer, no matter what their previous objections, will mention at least THREE TIMES how great whatever scent they sampled is. If they fall short or especially if they DON'T MENTION THE FRAGRANCE AS ALL, get a manager immediately. This customer is a secret terrorist.

-HARASSING PEOPLE INTO SIGNING UP FOR THE CREDIT CARD-
Not actually what the segment was called, but there is no way in FUCK that I am going to harass some poor person in a dressing room until they deny it AT LEAST THREE TIMES. That's what the fucking Male Salesman (aka trying to increase diversity and the myth that men would ever work there) told me.

If you want to see all this (And More!) just apply for a job at your local New York & Company and the cinema magic will haunt your dreams for decades!

Embarassing Questions

Who, at age nineteen, plays pot tops as if they were cymbals?

Why, me of course.

My life is so sad. Hahahaha.

Yes, Snarkypants, LAUGH THROUGH THE PAIN.

Moving on after that bit of Multiple Personality Disorder... oh wow. I just thought of something. What if someone just had a Personality Disorder? Someone whose personality is just innately sucky? You can't really truly change your personality. You'd be living a sham of a life. Dissssmal.

Hahahahaha I swear I know some retarded Those Girls like that who don't actually seem to have a personality. I'd rather be who I am than have guys chase me for no substantial reason. I will be wanted for who I am, not what I look like. WERD.

This is getting pretty heavy, yo, so now here are some more embarrassing questions.

(Note: All questions involve something that has happened in like the last twenty minutes. I swear to god I am so awkward that it hurts to exist. But I share it with you, my darlings, because I don't mind a laugh at my expense to bring a smile to your rosy-cheeked little faces)

Who sets a wet sponge on fire, totally burning the edge, and then trims the burnt shit on it with the kitchen scissors?

Me, and yes, I washed them off.

Who then spends a good two minutes letting water run like a wasteful asshole because she is intrigued by the idea (and also the practice, which she was doing. Fortunately alone, because if anyone saw her she would be hauled off to the nut house with all the nuts and the squirrels) of cutting the running water with aforementioned kitchen scissors and photographing it?

I fear I will never find anyone who appreciates my little joys and clumsy stories. Le sigh.

And now That Girl is signed up to play pong tomorrow two. Luckily, not against Liam, But I HAVE to do better than her. I don't know why. I don't even want him anymore (lie, but not that MUCH) but I just need to prove I am at least superior in some aspect.

Gargargar I hope tomorrow is fun and I am not distressed by those two retards' antics.

Pee Ess: I go in for my 'On-Boarding' (training... which they could've just called 'Training,' but nooo, they need a kicky, pseudo-corporate name to trick all the sad people who end up spending their lives managing that processed sack of fashion lies that their lives aren't so sad. FUCK THIS NINE TO FIVE SHIT!) with the manager tonight. I have a fucking WORK BOOK with COMPREHENSION QUESTIONS. YOU HAVE TO BE 18 TO WORK THERE. I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. How retarded do they think people are. Chrisssst.

I have to put together three outfits. Sounds, sorta fun, right? WRONG. Then you have to fill out a fucking WORK SHEET writing fucking PARAGRAPHS about which one is your favourite and why. What the hell is this!?

So that's what I have to look forward to from six to half-past nine. Woo. And then I get to work almost full time tooling around.

I hate that this is what I have to do to earn money.

Ha Ha, Jay-Kay, Maybe I AM Responsible. Ish.

Yeah I ended up going. I took a cab instead of da bus.

It was just filling out forms...


... and watching instructional videos. Oh, my god. So sad. I rolled my eyes so many times I'm surprised they didn't get stuck up in my head. There was an entire section on where their jewelry comes from and how it's made and shit. Not interesting, like the salesgirl/actress claimed it was, and most definitely not entertaining.

I work basically every day the rest of the week and the coming week. Yarrr.


In other news, I shoplifted by mahself (as opposed to having someone else gank things for me) for the first time today. At age 19. I'm definitely a badass. It was this pink push-up bra from Macy's (my Friday pong partner Len and I are excessively boobless [even though she is totally tall and uber-model skinny... bitch] and are probably gonna wear two push-ups a piece to give us Maximum Cleave) and it's cute. Len and I have decided we will use the art of distraction as opposed to having any actual skill at the game. I'm not the bad, usually, but she says she's no good, which is fine cuz we'll look fly and it'll be fun anyway.

Still not looking forward to seeing Liam and That Girl together. Gargargar STOP CARING STOP CARING STOP CARING!!!

I Swear It Won't Turn Into One Of 'Those' Blahgs

But PARIS HILTON AND BENJI MADDEN?! WHAT THE FUCK?!
I know Joel got little miss Nicole Richie knocked up, and even though she's no Riot Girrl (um, Joel? THAT SONG WAS A LIE. HILLARY DUFF? What was with THAT bullshit?!) but I love her. On The Simple Life shes hilarious and a total dick while Paris just sashays around calling things hot. WASTE OF SPACE ALERT.

Seriously, I am heartbroken. I LOVE Good Charlotte (yes, still)! Their first two albums were boss and their third wasn't bad (don't even mention the fourth to me. I'd rather pretend its techno bullshit didn't exist) and they are still rad as fuck even though I'm no longer in middle school.

SO PLEASE, BENJI. I see where you're coming from: The dumpier of twins gets a 'hot,' super-tall, super-thin model. But can beauty really make up for brains? Hellz no. DUMP THAT SLUT.

I guesstimate they will be broken up by late April to early May.

At least I hope so.


IN OTHER NEWS,

no job yet. My favourite vintage (and I mean hardcore 40s, 50s vintage) store is hiring and I put in an application, but have gotten no word from them (nor anyone else) which is Bummerville. But I shall keep you updated.

ALSO, my homie I'm co-hosting Rainbow Extravaganza on Saturday with has found a rainbow top that she got in ages past. So we went on a quest for rainbow-tastic clothes and came back with

nothing.

I'm spazzing cuz this is the first party I've thrown and I'm going to look like a pile of retards if I don't find something rad.

Gargargar.


Also, it is my nineteenth birthday today. Huffah!

Haunted By Overpriced Moose

So I went to Abercrombie and Fitch for the first time in my life yesterday. Okay, so it was an outlet store but still. The snobby ambiance was still there.

It was NOT my choice to go. My uncle, who obviously doesn't know me at ALL, sent me a giftcard. I am basically morally opposed to shopping at places like A&F and Banana Republic, but I had to spend this shit

And yeah, I got a few tops and they aren't bad

BUT THE PREREQUISITE IS THAT THEY COULDN'T HAVE THAT FUCKING MOOSE ON THEM.

So, The Moose. It has invaded my dreams.

Yesterday while my mom was out of the room for a minute... I totally stole one of my roommate's rings. Yeah yeah, I'm a klepto piece of shit but she's a big pile of douche so she deserved it. The ring is small and silver with little birds on it (I may take a picture and post it).

I totally dreamt that I was looking at the ring upside down and what I thought were birds were ACTUALLY MOOSE. It was a bloomin' Abercrombie ring. I was PISSED. So I decided to just wear it upside down and feign ignorance to the antlered bastards on my thumb.

Anyway.

Roommate Example:

So I'm laying on the couch watching teevee and she leaves. I decided to switch to my loft bed. She comes back in.

She's with two of her retard friends and sees The Disney Channel is on (Hannah Montana-- fuck you haters, that show is adorable) and turns to them and says in her high, annoying little bitch tone 'She watches this allll daaay.'

First of all, Cuntasaurus Rex, I do NOT watch it all day. I can't. IT'S NOT ON ALL DAY. Okay okay, taking this literally. But seriously. All she does is drink and act like a slut and giggle. Yeah, that is much better than watching (henceforth supporting) a budding young actress that is actually a positive role model for girls.

I hate the bitch. I want to chainsaw her arms off and beat her to death with them.


I've decided I'm stealing something of hers when she leaves.