I'm A Milk Carton Mugshot Baby

And you wouldn't even recognize me anymore.

But I'm back. The Parental Units bought me internet for Christmas.


You can cancel the Missing Persons ad.

Oh Jimmy. The Blahgs Not Dead, She's Just Sleeping

So, biggest news first:

I QUIT NEW YORK & COMPANY! Hahahaha, I did it very unprofessionally cuz I knew I wouldn't get a good reference from there anyway. I changed my voice mail to say I had moved to Portugal and was never coming back, and that I wouldn't be in to work that day or ever again.

I know. I'm cool.

But I'm getting loads of hours at Vintage Store though and I LOVE IT!!! I made my first display the other day hahahaha.

Real Boy took me to dinner and came over the other night and stayed til the wee hours of the morning doing makeouts with me. I told him I'm a virgin just for fun. That way, if we ever fuck it'll be funny hahaha.

Another promising young lad found me on CraigsList. He's 19 and seems AWESOME. I gave him my number and told him to text me.

Have I mentioned Real Boy is more like... uhhhh. Real Man?

Um. He's 26.

Yeah.

ANYWAY, downtown living is amAzing, Friend 1 and I don't want to kill each other yet, and life is generally noice.

I NEED TO GET A BETTER WIFI RECEIVER SO I CAN START UPDATING FREQUENTLY AGAIN.

NOT DEAD!

Just BUSY! The apartment [henceforth known as Chez Yuppie... hahahaha] has ONLY been fully set up since yesterday.

So right now I'm relaxing before I go to Vintage Job and work all day.

Annndddd... Uhhhh...

I think I kinda sorta have a date. Tonight.

With a never before mentioned on here CraigsList guy. We're going to The Comedy Club. Fun...?

And no. I still haven't hung out with Real Boy. Because we are both retarded hahahaha. But that's part of his appeal.

And the other night, Friend 1 and another friend of mine

Pause.

This 'another friend' needs an introduction. She is one of my bestest friends in the entire world. Due to some constant grounding (her parents are fascists but now that she's 18 they can't do shhhiiit hahaha)and disagreements with a couple of my ladies in The Foxy Foursome, we were not able to see each other for a looong time. But now she is FREE! and we are constantly hanging out and I love it. She gets the only nickname I could ever call her by: Risk.

Play.

we sitting around, Hookahing and Happinessing and we ended up pulling out my box of fortunes (yeah, fortune cookie fortunes. I know, I'm stupid. I collect pointless bullshit. I also have boxes full of soda bottle caps and sea glass.) and asking it questions (and oh how I hope it becomes a regular activity. Sooo funny) and Friend 1 asked 'what will come of the Snarkypants and Real Boy situation?'

And the fortune she pulled?

":) Happy life is just in front of you. :)"

NO SHIT. WITH THE FUCKING SMILEY FACES AND EVERYTHING.

Maybe I shouldn't be going out with this other guy. Maybe I should cancel and go out with him instead.


You know, I'm just gonna be upfront. 'I could go on a date with this guy or on one with you instead. Which would you prefer?' Something like that.

GAHHH I'm gonna do it right now.

So, Okay, I Get Caught Up In The Moment Sometimes

And daydream about this guy that I only know as text on a screen.

And the random Facebook picture, but still.

I don't know. At least in this conversational environment, I feel some clickage. Like maybe there is some possible strand of silver lining I can cling on to that I'll find someone I can be with for real.

All from CraigsList. Hahahaha.

It's not like with Ex-Perfect Guy. That was like I WANTED it to work, cuz he was what I pictured myself with. Real Boy (oh god he just earned a blahg nickname) and I actually seem to have compatibility.

Oh, god. We just had a big old argument again. This kid amuses me to no end.


Ohhh god. Please don't tell me that I like him.


I've never even met him. I'm soooo weiiiird.

From The Rejected Files II

Subject: What's Shaken Toots???
From: Zac Dorken [Email redacted]
Sent: Tue 5/06/08 11:04 AM
To: Snarkypants
[Picture redacted cuz I'm not THAT big of an asshole]

How's it goin babe? My name is Zac and this is my application to be your fwend! I am 21 years old, originally from Minneapolis, I work full-time, play part-time. Guitar, bass monopoly, pretend, you name it, I play it. I have one tattoo, one piercing, and one shaved head. I listen a ton o tunes, punk rock, funk, all sorts o stuff. I dunno, What else would you like to know?? I'd love to hear from ya!!"

I did not even reply to this. I couldn't get over it. Sooo funny. Sad sad cuz he's either trying to be ironic or he just doesn't get it.

Dorken indeed.

Wow. You know, re-reading that makes him not sound so bad. I think I'm gonna write him back hahahahaha. Even though I don't think he's cute. Bald=guhhhh.

But I fucking HATE being called 'babe.'

I hate 'hun' even more.


Note: The entire original reason for this post is because I wanted to do the whole dork/Dorken thing.

I am so fucking stupid.

A Facebook Conglomerate

If they wanted to, Facebook could eliminate a shit ton of interweb competition. They're basically gonna kill the free version of AOL Instant Messenger. How easily could they take things over? People become ADDICTED to Facebook, and since they're there so frequently, if they could just do all their interweb-related business, they would. Think about it. Online Facebook shopping. Personals. Movie reviews. Dictionaries (maybe it's just me that uses those uber frequently) and Encyclopaedias. IT WOULD TAKE OVER! The majority of online businesses would be wiped out by the sheer laziness (and obsessive-compulsive Facebook checking) of people.

Wowz.

BUT LET IT BE KNOWN, if that happens, I get all credit and 5% of the spoils. 'Kay, Facebook? Thanks! :]

I Don't Want To Beat Around The Bush

So I just emailed Perfect Guy and asked him to call me so we could hang out.

Yup, I put myself all the way out there and there's no going back.

He's probably going to decline my offer


but at least I tried.

(And my title ALWAYS makes me think of Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo. Snaps, Bloodhound Gang!)

From The Rejected Files

I have expelled quite a few CraigsLister emails from the hallowed womb that is my inbox. All of them were open, reviewed, and dismissed, either because of a lack of physical/personality..al attraction, or just cuz the person was a retard (no offense Army Man Haack, but an email titled ‘Hello darling (UNCLASSIFIED) [though I know the unclassified is not necessarily of your doing)(and no offense, guy who asked what my maximum age limit is. I am listed as being 19. What the fuck. If you have to ask, you shouldn’t be writing in the first place. Homie don’t play no 47 year old creepers.).

But a couple have slipped through my initial screening process

Okay, I have to pause. This whole thing is making me sound like I think I’m hot shit. I KNOW I’M NOT. I’m advertising myself on CRAIGSLIST for chrissake. I just am a dick and think I’m being funny and witty talking about guys I consider basic losers/assholes/general tragic cases.

I won’t rehash Girl Voice Guy and I would neva NEVA reject Perfect Guy. But everyone else is free game! WOO!

ANYWAY.

…slipped through my initial screening process and I began corresponding with them.

THESE ARE MY STORIES.

File A

So this guy sends me this message:


“Hi, Im James. Couldnt sleep, so I figured I would respond to your post that I read today. A little bit about me... I just recently turned 20 and am a sophomore in the engineering school at UW. I am tall (6'3") and thin, so I suppose I could aptly be described as lanky. I've included a picture of me. Im the one on the far left. The one on the far right is my twin brother, although you wouldnt know it to look at us.

Im a very open and honest individual. Im really easy to get along with and I love to laugh. Ive been told that I have a dry and sarcastic sense of humor. I dont do drugs (probably would still tell you that even if I did though), but I do enjoying drinking when I can.

As far as musical tastes go, my favorite band without a doubt is Wilco. You might not be very familiar with them, but I love everything they have done. Besides them, im into mostly classic and alt rock and alternative country (dont be fooled by the name, it is actually quite good).

I love sports. Especially football (Go Packers!). I play a lot of basketball at the gym and tennis occasionally when its nice outside. I try and stay pretty active and maintain a healthy body.

I am looking for a relationship, but would be ok with just being friends if thats how things go. Anyways, if I sound like someone you would like to know, just email me back and we can figure out something to go and do. My cell number is listed below too if you would prefer to call. Hope to hear back from you.


[Information redacted]”


And he attached a picture.

Well, okay. He was decently cute. Tall and lanky? Plus. Into Wilco (and thus Indie music)? Plus.

Blah blah sports guys stuff? Whatever.

Sounding like a fucking robot sending out a mass emailed message to every chick that posts cuz you’re so desperate?

FISSION MAILED.

I am SO not into a guy not putting effort into something like this.

(Uhm, yeah, I know it’s CraigsList, but I kind of… care? Now Perfect Guy? His email was fucking AWESOME. But we do not speak of him here!)

If he can’t even be bothered to put some sort of personality or genuine humor into what is basically a first impression, he isn’t good enough for me. Or any other girl with some self-worth.

OH. But so, he was tall and lanky and I am a LITTLE shallow, I wrote back:

“Of COURSE I've heard of Wilco. Ehhh they're a little country-twangy for me, but oddly enough, She's A Jar? One of my favourite songs of all time. I could listen to that on loop for days. Also, the girl in the song reminds me of me. I know, super self-absorbed right? No, not really.

I do drugs. Well, I smoke. And I drink. But neither interferes with my life so I figure I'm good.

I know that was probably some copy-paste message you sent to a bunch of chicks, but you seem interesting. So if you feel like it, write me back.”

And HE responds thusly:

“Hello again, Heinous Highness. I like the name, but out of curiosity, what is your real name? Sorry for the somewhat late response too. Yesterday was actually my birthday, so you can imagine that I was a little preoccupied. Anyways, I found it kind of funny that you dislike Wilco's country-twang, because that is precisely what I like about them. It actually saddens me that in their most recent albums, they've shyed away from their roots.

Musical differences aside, I suppose Ill tell you a little more about myself. I am from Racine, WI and majoring in electrical engineering. To be honest, I am not very passionate about my major, just in it for the big bucks really. I dont mind someone that smokes, it just has never appealed to me.

So whats your situation? Going to school here? Where are you from?


Also, in response to that copy-paste comment, this is actually only my third craigslist reply. The other two being when I bought football/concert tickets. I tried to avoid sounding so generic, but it appears I failed.

Later.”

Musical differences aside, James, you seem very bland. Sorry.

AND. AND. I ALMOST DIED. THAT WASN’T A GENERIC RESPONSE?!

I fear his boringosity would suck my soul straight from my body.


File B

I received the following message:

“Hello there dream girl, meet your dream guy. Not really, but we'll work towards that. Judging by your ad, you seem to have quite a bit of spunk which is the number one quality I look for in a girl. High five........or you could leave me hanging that's cool too. Let's see, I stand at 6'4 so I guess I miiiight fit your height requirement. I could make a joke, about you meeting mine and being tall enough to ride me, but I figure that's probably below my maturity level, or not, who knows, I guess you'll have to e-mail me back to find out. Not a huge fan of punk rock or metal, but really into alternate and classic rock. I listen to a lot of acoustic stuff, really down with a few "stoner bands." Lately, I've been listening to A LOT of Joseph Arthur and Elliot Smith. I grew up listening to Billy Joel and CCR. I suppose since you seem like a music buff, that may be an interesting conversation. You yell things in public, I happen to do the same. I think awkward situations are really funny. I'm the kid who steps in an elevator with others and something subtle will make me laugh. In turn I usually get some pretty odd looks. I also like to party, sometimes I go overboard, but seriously who doesn't? Alrighty, rockin it.”

Initial response? Me likey! V. v. tall, JOKED, decent music taste, endearing sign-off. He seemed like… a real person. Someone I’d hang out with. Le response?

“Hahahaha. What do you consider 'stoner bands?' I'm not really that big of a music buff, just a huge fan. I'll listen to anything once.

And I would never leave a high five hanging. WITCHA! Consider that your e-high five.

Tall enough to ride? I'd need a ladder. You perv.

So yeah, you caught my interest. Say more things. I'm bored.

If you could get a tattoo of anything, anywhere, what would it be?

What do you consider the narstiest vegetable and why?

What is the most dangerous thing you've done lately?”



Banter continues.

So yeah, whatev, we email more. He ends up asking why I put my shizz on CraigsList. I tell him I was bored, wanna meet guys, whatever. He tells me he did his as a bet with his friends, to see who could get the most girls. And he finally sends a picture. Not. Cute. At all. (Fuck you all, physical attraction does come into play in a relationship.)

I point out that HE contacted ME.

By this time, both cuz he looks not like I’m into and because he reveals his origins with CL (also, his conversation was beginning to lack) were of poor intentions.

OH OH! He also had THIS to share (apparently the ‘competition‘ was over before he emailed me):

“you seemed like a pretty cool chick, the bet was over and done with, and I figured karma would bite me in the ass for toying with the emotions of women so I shot a response in your direction.”

SUCH a GENTLEMAN. How kind of him to save my broken heart.

What a fucktard.

FISSION MAILED.

Oh I Am Such A Melodramatic Whore.

He wrote back. He just doesn't go on the interweb that frequently.

I also wrote him another message before he replied talking about how I didn't sound like myself in the initial one, blah blah. I am glad I did that, because my first message really DID sound fucking stupid and egomaniacal and shit.

But yeah. Hopefully he will write back again. I still want to meet him. He still seems like my poifect guy.

I'm All Typed Out, Lately

Because I have taken my desperateness to a whole new level.

I put up a CraigsList personal ad.

A ton of guys have responded, so I've been writing to the potentially worth-while ones.

Sadly, I started talking to this guy hardcore yesterday and we were actually gonna hang out, but plans got messed up. He wants to hang out today. He seems like a funnyish, cool person, but he called me

AND HE HAS A TOTAL GIRL VOICE. He sounds GAY. Seriously. Sooo now I don't know what to do. How disappointing. I still may hang out with him, cuz it's kind of bitchy not to just cuz of his voice, but come on! How can I get to know someone if every time they open their mouth I'm trying not to laugh!?

I PROMISE 4-20/Liam/CraigsList replies SOON! Probably later today.

Don't. Ask.

I'm hanging out with Liam in twenty minutes.

FREAK OUT.

My Luck Is NON-EXISTANT.

Guess who I just ran into at the mall while I was working?

Liam. AFUCKINGGAIN.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Regarding Romance

We have all known for a long time that I have a fucked up past with relationships. All of them ended abruptly and basically on instinct, instituted by me. But only two guys (even though it was I who initially ended it) have still stuck with me, both of them because of how tumultuous our relationships were (With College Fuck, it was always this way, with Liam it has been going on since forevvvvver. Except now, cuz I am totally over it. Mostly.): I never knew where I stood with them. Were they mad, suddenly offended by insults they had laughed at minutes before? Did they want to talk about real, deep things? Things I was scared to tell people (Note: Both boys, except Liam only the first time around, were extremely interested in knowing the real, deep, broken, me. I refused to show them and severed our relationships)? Are they telling me to leave me alone? Are we going to get enough alone time that he'll kiss me?

It was either they wanted all or nothing. And I loved it. The uncertainty, the challenge, the chase. The fight for their affection. It was


INTERESTING!

This is what I want in a boy... but I want one who will eventually settle down and let me catch him.

I Have A Spotty Past With Microwaves

QUESTION: Who just nuked a Rice Krispie Treat for waaay too long?

Answer: Snarkypant's borderline retarded self.

Yeah... the marshmallows basically disintegrated and then caramelized. It was super crunchy.

Yes I ate it hahahaha.


I invented a recipe for fruit salad. It is very easy, healthy. and delicious.

Rainbow Fruit Salad

Add as much of these items as you need for the portion (you can pretty much eat however much you want... as long as you brush your teeth!) you want. They MUST end up being a Roy G. Biv (with purple being representative of both end colours, haha) representation of fruitosity.

Strawberries and/or raspberries
(Red apples are possible but untested)

Clementines and/ or oranges

Bananas

Green grapes and/or kiwi

Blueberries

Purple grapes and/or blackberries

Chop/slice/ peel that deliciousness up and throw it in a bowl

Fruit is always healthy.

Add however much Cool Whip (I prefer extra creamy)
It's only 25 calories a tablespoon.

Mix fruit and Cool Whip while periodically adding as much sugar as you want.
Sugar has like no calories. Just make sure to brush like I said before.

Mix again.

Eat with a spoon

ENJOY!

Hahahaha.

I'm basically retarded.

BUT I WILL ARGUE TO THE DEATH WITH SOMEONE that this could be considered healthy.

Now I'm going to go back to eating mine.

And watching videos on adultswim.com.

I eat that shit up.

Curiosity

If anyone is reading this, even just these few words and nothing previously written, even if you have stumbled upon a mistake and do not intend to ever visit again,

please leave a comment.

Just so I can know if someone is actually listening.

Grrracias.

Embarassing Questions

Who, at age nineteen, plays pot tops as if they were cymbals?

Why, me of course.

My life is so sad. Hahahaha.

Yes, Snarkypants, LAUGH THROUGH THE PAIN.

Moving on after that bit of Multiple Personality Disorder... oh wow. I just thought of something. What if someone just had a Personality Disorder? Someone whose personality is just innately sucky? You can't really truly change your personality. You'd be living a sham of a life. Dissssmal.

Hahahahaha I swear I know some retarded Those Girls like that who don't actually seem to have a personality. I'd rather be who I am than have guys chase me for no substantial reason. I will be wanted for who I am, not what I look like. WERD.

This is getting pretty heavy, yo, so now here are some more embarrassing questions.

(Note: All questions involve something that has happened in like the last twenty minutes. I swear to god I am so awkward that it hurts to exist. But I share it with you, my darlings, because I don't mind a laugh at my expense to bring a smile to your rosy-cheeked little faces)

Who sets a wet sponge on fire, totally burning the edge, and then trims the burnt shit on it with the kitchen scissors?

Me, and yes, I washed them off.

Who then spends a good two minutes letting water run like a wasteful asshole because she is intrigued by the idea (and also the practice, which she was doing. Fortunately alone, because if anyone saw her she would be hauled off to the nut house with all the nuts and the squirrels) of cutting the running water with aforementioned kitchen scissors and photographing it?

I fear I will never find anyone who appreciates my little joys and clumsy stories. Le sigh.

And now That Girl is signed up to play pong tomorrow two. Luckily, not against Liam, But I HAVE to do better than her. I don't know why. I don't even want him anymore (lie, but not that MUCH) but I just need to prove I am at least superior in some aspect.

Gargargar I hope tomorrow is fun and I am not distressed by those two retards' antics.

Pee Ess: I go in for my 'On-Boarding' (training... which they could've just called 'Training,' but nooo, they need a kicky, pseudo-corporate name to trick all the sad people who end up spending their lives managing that processed sack of fashion lies that their lives aren't so sad. FUCK THIS NINE TO FIVE SHIT!) with the manager tonight. I have a fucking WORK BOOK with COMPREHENSION QUESTIONS. YOU HAVE TO BE 18 TO WORK THERE. I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. How retarded do they think people are. Chrisssst.

I have to put together three outfits. Sounds, sorta fun, right? WRONG. Then you have to fill out a fucking WORK SHEET writing fucking PARAGRAPHS about which one is your favourite and why. What the hell is this!?

So that's what I have to look forward to from six to half-past nine. Woo. And then I get to work almost full time tooling around.

I hate that this is what I have to do to earn money.

Ha Ha, Jay-Kay, Maybe I AM Responsible. Ish.

Yeah I ended up going. I took a cab instead of da bus.

It was just filling out forms...


... and watching instructional videos. Oh, my god. So sad. I rolled my eyes so many times I'm surprised they didn't get stuck up in my head. There was an entire section on where their jewelry comes from and how it's made and shit. Not interesting, like the salesgirl/actress claimed it was, and most definitely not entertaining.

I work basically every day the rest of the week and the coming week. Yarrr.


In other news, I shoplifted by mahself (as opposed to having someone else gank things for me) for the first time today. At age 19. I'm definitely a badass. It was this pink push-up bra from Macy's (my Friday pong partner Len and I are excessively boobless [even though she is totally tall and uber-model skinny... bitch] and are probably gonna wear two push-ups a piece to give us Maximum Cleave) and it's cute. Len and I have decided we will use the art of distraction as opposed to having any actual skill at the game. I'm not the bad, usually, but she says she's no good, which is fine cuz we'll look fly and it'll be fun anyway.

Still not looking forward to seeing Liam and That Girl together. Gargargar STOP CARING STOP CARING STOP CARING!!!

Currently Skipping Work To Write

She covered the room in an ocean of blues. Knobby-soft under her bare feet, the cerulean hand-made rug she found at a little hippie shop run by a former Grateful Dead groupie who went by the name Topaz. Turquoise scarves-turned-curtains, studded with tiny plastic beads that clung to them like perfect water droplets and found at the flea market by the legendary Haight. Strands of glass the colour of a perfect Summer sky brushed her shoulders every time she came through her little white door (now painted with various elephants, unicorns, ducks, all of them blue) to her new home. But it didn't feel new. It felt like she had belonged there all her life.


I am a terrrrrrible nine-to-fiver. STOP LETTING ME DO BAD THINGS, SELF!

Bad, Bad Sales Associate!

So I'm supposed to start training at NY&Co. today and I have to take this retardedly complicated buss route.

I'm seriously considering saying the bus never came and just telling that to my mom and calling the place and telling them too.

I am terrrrrrible.


I need to start working on my writing again. Perhaps next time I will treat you with a bit of prose. Here's to hoping for inspiration.

This Would Be The Most Awkward Party Ever

So I dreamt (which according to my spell checker is not a word, but it's the way I pronounce it SO THE BAD SPELLING STAYS!) that I was at a party at House Guy's house. And for some reason my mom was there. Here are flashes of things I remember:

I was sitting on a couch drinking a cup full of vodka. There was no chaser left so I was chasing it with strawberries. For some reason I kept pouring the contents of this packet full of powder in my mouth before I took a drink, cuz it was supposed to be the flavour of the vodka (kind of like those packets you get with Ramen).

Then I was sitting by my mom at this kitchen table (that doesn't actually exist) drinking vodka from a bowl (what a little lush) and these people came in and I told them it was five bucks to drink. And my mom started ARGUING with me about it, and I was like 'Uhm, shut up, I need money' or something along those lines.

I walked into a bedroom and Friend 1 and House Guy and other people were playing Super Smash Brothers. I was like 'is this on N64?' and Friend 1 said 'I can't imagine what this would look like on a Wii.' Then I mouthed to her 'where is Liam?' and at that moment he burst through the door, said something unintelligible, and left. I followed him because I am messed up in da head. So we go into the hallway (it was just like House Guy's real one) and I'm like 'why is the shower running?' Then I start knocking on this other door asking who is in the bathroom, when I realize I am knocking on a bedroom door and durr, I just mentioned someone in the shower behind another door. So I go in there and I think Liam followed and then another guy friend just appeared and pulled back the shower curtain. Inside was by best friend from eighth grade and this senior in high school guy I met not long ago. They were clothed and soaking wet, except dude had no pants on. I totally saw his (tiny) cock. Then that guy friend decides to jump in with them and they do not approve, so they like throw him out. He asks me to kiss his cheek to make him feel better, so I do.

And that, officer, is all I remember.