I have expelled quite a few CraigsLister emails from the hallowed womb that is my inbox. All of them were open, reviewed, and dismissed, either because of a lack of physical/personality..al attraction, or just cuz the person was a retard (no offense Army Man Haack, but an email titled ‘Hello darling (UNCLASSIFIED) [though I know the unclassified is not necessarily of your doing)(and no offense, guy who asked what my maximum age limit is. I am listed as being 19. What the fuck. If you have to ask, you shouldn’t be writing in the first place. Homie don’t play no 47 year old creepers.).
But a couple have slipped through my initial screening process
Okay, I have to pause. This whole thing is making me sound like I think I’m hot shit. I KNOW I’M NOT. I’m advertising myself on CRAIGSLIST for chrissake. I just am a dick and think I’m being funny and witty talking about guys I consider basic losers/assholes/general tragic cases.
I won’t rehash Girl Voice Guy and I would neva NEVA reject Perfect Guy. But everyone else is free game! WOO!
ANYWAY.
…slipped through my initial screening process and I began corresponding with them.
THESE ARE MY STORIES.
File A
So this guy sends me this message:
“Hi, Im James. Couldnt sleep, so I figured I would respond to your post that I read today. A little bit about me... I just recently turned 20 and am a sophomore in the engineering school at UW. I am tall (6'3") and thin, so I suppose I could aptly be described as lanky. I've included a picture of me. Im the one on the far left. The one on the far right is my twin brother, although you wouldnt know it to look at us.
Im a very open and honest individual. Im really easy to get along with and I love to laugh. Ive been told that I have a dry and sarcastic sense of humor. I dont do drugs (probably would still tell you that even if I did though), but I do enjoying drinking when I can.
As far as musical tastes go, my favorite band without a doubt is Wilco. You might not be very familiar with them, but I love everything they have done. Besides them, im into mostly classic and alt rock and alternative country (dont be fooled by the name, it is actually quite good).
I love sports. Especially football (Go Packers!). I play a lot of basketball at the gym and tennis occasionally when its nice outside. I try and stay pretty active and maintain a healthy body.
I am looking for a relationship, but would be ok with just being friends if thats how things go. Anyways, if I sound like someone you would like to know, just email me back and we can figure out something to go and do. My cell number is listed below too if you would prefer to call. Hope to hear back from you.
[Information redacted]”
And he attached a picture.
Well, okay. He was decently cute. Tall and lanky? Plus. Into Wilco (and thus Indie music)? Plus.
Blah blah sports guys stuff? Whatever.
Sounding like a fucking robot sending out a mass emailed message to every chick that posts cuz you’re so desperate?
FISSION MAILED.
I am SO not into a guy not putting effort into something like this.
(Uhm, yeah, I know it’s CraigsList, but I kind of… care? Now Perfect Guy? His email was fucking AWESOME. But we do not speak of him here!)
If he can’t even be bothered to put some sort of personality or genuine humor into what is basically a first impression, he isn’t good enough for me. Or any other girl with some self-worth.
OH. But so, he was tall and lanky and I am a LITTLE shallow, I wrote back:
“Of COURSE I've heard of Wilco. Ehhh they're a little country-twangy for me, but oddly enough, She's A Jar? One of my favourite songs of all time. I could listen to that on loop for days. Also, the girl in the song reminds me of me. I know, super self-absorbed right? No, not really.
I do drugs. Well, I smoke. And I drink. But neither interferes with my life so I figure I'm good.
I know that was probably some copy-paste message you sent to a bunch of chicks, but you seem interesting. So if you feel like it, write me back.”
And HE responds thusly:
“Hello again, Heinous Highness. I like the name, but out of curiosity, what is your real name? Sorry for the somewhat late response too. Yesterday was actually my birthday, so you can imagine that I was a little preoccupied. Anyways, I found it kind of funny that you dislike Wilco's country-twang, because that is precisely what I like about them. It actually saddens me that in their most recent albums, they've shyed away from their roots.
Musical differences aside, I suppose Ill tell you a little more about myself. I am from Racine, WI and majoring in electrical engineering. To be honest, I am not very passionate about my major, just in it for the big bucks really. I dont mind someone that smokes, it just has never appealed to me.
So whats your situation? Going to school here? Where are you from?
Also, in response to that copy-paste comment, this is actually only my third craigslist reply. The other two being when I bought football/concert tickets. I tried to avoid sounding so generic, but it appears I failed.
Later.”
Musical differences aside, James, you seem very bland. Sorry.
AND. AND. I ALMOST DIED. THAT WASN’T A GENERIC RESPONSE?!
I fear his boringosity would suck my soul straight from my body.
File B
I received the following message:
“Hello there dream girl, meet your dream guy. Not really, but we'll work towards that. Judging by your ad, you seem to have quite a bit of spunk which is the number one quality I look for in a girl. High five........or you could leave me hanging that's cool too. Let's see, I stand at 6'4 so I guess I miiiight fit your height requirement. I could make a joke, about you meeting mine and being tall enough to ride me, but I figure that's probably below my maturity level, or not, who knows, I guess you'll have to e-mail me back to find out. Not a huge fan of punk rock or metal, but really into alternate and classic rock. I listen to a lot of acoustic stuff, really down with a few "stoner bands." Lately, I've been listening to A LOT of Joseph Arthur and Elliot Smith. I grew up listening to Billy Joel and CCR. I suppose since you seem like a music buff, that may be an interesting conversation. You yell things in public, I happen to do the same. I think awkward situations are really funny. I'm the kid who steps in an elevator with others and something subtle will make me laugh. In turn I usually get some pretty odd looks. I also like to party, sometimes I go overboard, but seriously who doesn't? Alrighty, rockin it.”
Initial response? Me likey! V. v. tall, JOKED, decent music taste, endearing sign-off. He seemed like… a real person. Someone I’d hang out with. Le response?
“Hahahaha. What do you consider 'stoner bands?' I'm not really that big of a music buff, just a huge fan. I'll listen to anything once.
And I would never leave a high five hanging. WITCHA! Consider that your e-high five.
Tall enough to ride? I'd need a ladder. You perv.
So yeah, you caught my interest. Say more things. I'm bored.
If you could get a tattoo of anything, anywhere, what would it be?
What do you consider the narstiest vegetable and why?
What is the most dangerous thing you've done lately?”
Banter continues.
So yeah, whatev, we email more. He ends up asking why I put my shizz on CraigsList. I tell him I was bored, wanna meet guys, whatever. He tells me he did his as a bet with his friends, to see who could get the most girls. And he finally sends a picture. Not. Cute. At all. (Fuck you all, physical attraction does come into play in a relationship.)
I point out that HE contacted ME.
By this time, both cuz he looks not like I’m into and because he reveals his origins with CL (also, his conversation was beginning to lack) were of poor intentions.
OH OH! He also had THIS to share (apparently the ‘competition‘ was over before he emailed me):
“you seemed like a pretty cool chick, the bet was over and done with, and I figured karma would bite me in the ass for toying with the emotions of women so I shot a response in your direction.”
SUCH a GENTLEMAN. How kind of him to save my broken heart.
What a fucktard.
FISSION MAILED.
