I'm A Milk Carton Mugshot Baby

And you wouldn't even recognize me anymore.

But I'm back. The Parental Units bought me internet for Christmas.


You can cancel the Missing Persons ad.

Limbo

There's been nothing to blahg about lately, really. Friend 1 and I move to our downtown sublet on SATURDAY!, I'm trying to get another jorb down there so I can quit NY&Co. and henceforth not have to worry about taking the bus at 10 at night/getting raped, I've been chatting with another CL boy who may not be what I'm really looking for PHYSICALLY, but he is funny and teases me and it's v. v. entertaining talking to him.

And Tuffy is curable, but it'll cost like five grand. I don't blame Female Unit for being hesitant about going through with treatment. That is a LOT of money. Maybe it would be best to not put her through that and just spoil her rotten and love her immensely (which I already do but will somehow find a way to increase) and let her have happy remaining days in her own home.

I am very conflicted.

And sad. But I'm trying really hard not to think about it and just be excited about being in the thick of Madisonia action.

I STILL NEED BOXES AND TO START PACKING/PLANNING THINGS TO PACK! I are terrible planner.

Garr I Never Feel Encouraged.

So I'm applying for more jobs downtown cuz I wanna live down there and quit NY&Co. so I can establish myself there (Friend 1 and I wanna try to get a cheapy one bedroom sublet for summer) and Female Unit is totally discouraging me.

So I'm kinda of in too downer of a mood to blahg. :[

But I will leave you on a happy Note:



I hung out with Perfect Guy on Saturday.

This Blahg Is... For Not Her Eyes

I'm sitting on the living room couch typing this. Female Unit is watching Keith Olbermann (SNAPS. I love him) and was reading this over my shoulder.

She's like, 'who's Liam?'

Oh Christicles.

Cheerleader! So-And-So! Whatsherface! The Ugly One!

So. homestarrunner.com. Who remembers that?

I'm watching Strong Bad Emails right now. Looove it.

But Teen Girl Squad is my favourite of all favourites.

I remember I wanted to order a tanktop online and Female Unit wouldn't let me get it because on the back it said 'I Have A Crush On Every Boy' and she thought it was inappropriate.

I KNOW.

So go catch up with Homestar and the gang, and if you've never seen the site, chiggedy-check it out. Hilarity will ensue.

I Know, I Am A Terrible Blahgstress

QUESTION: Who called in twice to work during her first week of employment?

ANSWER: Me.

QUESTION: Who almost got fired after her boss called her house and talked to her Female Unit who informed The Boss that there was in fact no family emergency, I don't know where Snarkypants is, and she wasn't sick on Wednesday?

ANSWER: Me.

I freaked out. I thought I was gonna get bitched out by The Boss. Who is five feet tall and SCARY. But she didn't yell at me, I made good excuses, and it's all peachy keen now.

I am such a failure at this whole 'being employed' thing.

But I DID get mah first pay check! Something like $99.34. Not bad for a week's worth of work where I basically open fitting rooms for people and fold shit. Although some woman yesterday basically made me a personal shopper for her daughter. I was nervous at first cuz I'm basically fashionably retarded, but it worked out fine.

BUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW IS ABOUT THE SEX? AM I RIGHT?

It was my second time with him. His name is Mohawk John, although he no longer has a mohawk. I also almost ruined his band cuz I was flirting with him (lead vocals, backup guitar) and the lead guitarist. He was the one who forgave me. Plus, I met him first (on MySpace... I make terrible choices that usually end up great hahahaha) and liked him more.

ANYWAY,

Finger work: A, almost got me off.

QUESTION: Who has never had an orgasm?

ANSWER: Me. My life is sad. I've tried everything (except a vibrator... WHICH I WANT) and it doesn't work, no matter what my mental state or how relaxed I am. It's all very depressing.

Mouth work: D, didn't really do anything for me and I ended up cutting him off and telling him to just FUCK ME. He tried to argue about foreplay but I won.

Actual sex: B-, it was pretty decent, but ehh, kind of boring. Whatever.

Plus both of our stamina is reallllly low.

Overall enthusiasm: A+. The boy tried, he really did. He was all cuddling with me and kissing my forehead and I was just like 'WHERE IS THE SEX?' I am such a dude.

Anyway, I needed layage v. v. badly. So I am pleased.

BUT I WANT MORE!!!

Moving on, Saturday night I hung out with Len and this girl who I know through my ex-boyfriend. She is waaay cool and I hope we hang out more and often cuz I'd like to expand my social circle. Well... meet more boys.

HAHAHAHA.

BUT it is my day off, even though Female Unit is home so I can't do anything fun. IE drugs or have boys over for teh s3x. Even though the only boy I could call is Mohawk John and he is at work. I also CAN'T beat this one stage of Amateur Surgeon, Act II on adultswim.com.

DAMN AND BLAST!

I promise to try to update every day with mah shit instead of massive posts about myriad things.

I've Become Self-Actualized... APRIL FOOLS!

So: Tourney.

That Girl didn't show. I was glad, but I don't care.

I've realized that, as stated before, Liam is no where near good enough for me. No job, no school, no life. All he does is sit around a say stupid things so people will think he's all philosophical and deep. He isn't. So it became clear to me that in fact, I am not interested in him. I have no feelings for him. If he were to throw himself at my feet and beg me for forgiveness and to love him forever, I'd tell him to fuck off and die.

But, as is the way of Snarkypants, there is a catch.

As much distaste as I have for him, I will still be jealous if and when he's all flirty and makey-outy with other girls. I know, fucked right? But that's how it is. At least I'm not pining. I barely think about him any more.

And yeah, last time I said I hated him (and told him that, and ignored him, and he brought his girlfriend to the party we were at, and I looked terrible in my Toga) we ended up fucking (I don't regret it, but I know it was a mistake), this time I mean it. All these years of being hung up on him are over. He is not the boy I liked. He has morphed into a sad loser who even gets shit talked about him by the people he considers his best friends. The only people who actually like him are silly, manipulatable girls who he tricks into thinking he's special.

ANYWAY, so he and That Girl are still conversing (more and more frequently... godspeed, That Girl) over Fizzlebizzle (Facebook) and I keep tabs and get pissed, but I don't emotionally care anymore.

BACK TO TOURNEY TALK!

It was a shitton of fun, even though some people (who had no chance of winning it anyway) took shit waaay too seriously and harshed my mellow a couple of times.

For example, we played this one team. They shot their balls (missed) and one rolled between two tables. So Len shot while I retrieved the ball. I washed it off, shot, and MADE THEIR LAST CUP, and the fat piece of shit bitch we were playing claimed I'd already shot and was taking a second. She even called House Guy over to ref, and since he didn't want to start anything, he just said scrap it and do a re-shoot. We ended up losing the fucking game. Bullshit, I tell you.

OH, and I ended up playing Liam, who unfortunately ended up paired with the best pong player ever so we lost to them. We could've totally beat him and anyone else, but the gods were against us. AND, the ONE SHOT he made he BANKED OFF MY TITS. Which sucked, cuz our team uniforms were v. v. big on the cleavage. Oh well. We looked bomb as hell.

Also, Sidenote: Liam ended up being a retarded and fucking his hand up by putting in through a window. I was super nice and like nursed him and he didn't even care. What a waste of time. I won't bother being nice to that asshole ever again.

So, the tourney was pretty bomb over all. I had a grand time.

On to the work situation.

Still at NY&Co., but I have my vintage interview on Thursday. My feet are way pussies and hurt so bad when I stand all day. It's a bit better when I'm hopped up on excessive amounts of Ibuprofen. I still want the vintage job, but getting downtown from Suburbia will be hard. I will make it work.

Other than that, things are pretty basic. Oh, and today is my day off so Female Unit took it upon herself to take the day off as well so we could 'practice riding the bus.' So much for a fucking day off. I actually just got back and there was much fighting and lecturing and shit and it was stupid. As I was typing part of this in fact, she was sitting in her telling me it's not her fault that I'm not independent. Uhm, actually, never letting me figure anything out for myself is why I'm so crippled at doing things on my own.

Whatever.

I want to do something completely foolish tonight.

Murphy's Law

So of course as soon as I get the NY&Co. job, the vintage store calls me. I have an interview on Thursday morning. I want it sososo bad, but transportation may be a problem. And Female Parental Unit brought up that I may end up working alone in th store, which I don't know how I feel about. Oh well, I'll just ask questions and find out what the dillio is.

Friend 1 also applied there after I told her about it. It would break my heart if my Units wouldn't let me work there and she was doing my dream job without me. Best case scenario- we get to work there together. That would be bomb, boss, rad, gnarly, and all those other terms you crazy kids use.

So On-Boarding wasn't completely retarded like I thought it would be. I didn't have to touch that stupid workbook. All I did basically was greet people and shadow (follow around, stalk, whatev) the manager, who isn't bad. I ish learned the cash register but all the shizz for returns and gift cards is confusing. I'll get the hang of it.

I work today, 1 to 6, but because I am special (ed) and don't drive, I get to take the bus today! Joyous! AND since the bus system in Madisonia is wacked out, I have to take an early one and wait around the mall for an hour. Barnes And Noble, watch out.

I'll try to make some observations on the ride today so you can all feel like you took The Glorious Bus Adventure with me.

Pong tourney tonight. I'm nervous and going to be stressing over the thought of Liam and That Girl all day.

On the plus side, I've basically been not eating for a couple of days and I've lost five ell-bees since being home. I'm still grotesquely obese (in my eyes) but it's a start.

Wish me luck and have a grand weekend.

THERE'S The Call I Was Expecting.

So my mom just called, blah blah, making a mistake, you'll be poor, etcetera etcetera and all that jazz. Lots of tears (on my part of course... that's what overly emotional girls like me do) and stuff, and after lots of escalated voices and warnings that life will be hard, she gave in again. So I'm still coming home for forever this weekend. Thank god.

Anyhoo, since I'm here anyway, I'll recount the ORIGINAL call conversation.

I was already crying (hurrr) and she was super understanding. She told me she didn't want me to be unhappy and that I could come home. I was surprised how cool she was with it-- which obviously she wasn't, judging by that most recent phone call. But yeah, that's it. I was pleased and taken aback by her compassion. I mean, I love my mom, but The Units are very practical people.i figured they wouldn't understand.

Oh well, I'll SHOW them.

And the dedication in my first book will be to myself-- 'For being the only one who always believed in me.'

Hey, just because I'm emotional doesn't mean I'm not a vindictive little bitch.

But I probably won't actually use that dedication. Probably.

ANYWAY-- As soon as I got off the phone (from Time #1) I Facebooked my friend (yeah... I'm a coward and I admitted it in the message about eighty times) and told her I loved her and she and my friends here are wonderful, but I can't stay here and be happy, let alone thrive (something about this place gives me major writer's block. I feel completely suffocated).

My small group of friends came over and told me they weren't mad and they just wanted me to do what is best for myself and they'll miss me but they understand.

See why I love them so much?

But yeah. Male Unit (dad) is flipping shit about the situation, natch. But too damn bad for him.

As of right now, things are still GO!

I promise a happy little anecdote for the next post.

Oh My God

Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.

I am so happy that I can't stop crying.

I am going home. This week.

FOR GOOD.


I will give a detailed account of the last couple days in later posts. But right now I have a message:

It seems I have completed the goal of my Blog! I AM GOING TO BE AN OFFICIAL COLLEGE DROPOUT (or Withdrawer or whatever)!!! But lucky for you, duckies (AKA anyone who may be currently, previously, or future-tastically read this delightful piece of text, I am going to continue Blogging!

The URL will stay the original, but the name of the page shall evolve!!!

As soon as I think of something clever to call it.

BAHAHAHA.

Regarding Self-Mutilation

Wednesday, 9 28 AM, February 27th 2008

Yes, I used to do it a lot. No, not so much more anymore.

Last night's fiasco is just a bit of drama. People have this fear of self-mutilation. It's extremely taboo and gets a lot of attention. Henceforth, I am trying to use it to my advantage.

No, it really isn't that bad. I didn't even bleed.

So don't worry about this.

Worry about THIS with me instead:

"I want you to think long and hard before you give up on going to [University]. Sometimes the window of opportunity doesn't come again. I regret that I didn't get a 4 year degree. It's becoming more of a necessity with each passing year. It's a baseline almost like the high school diploma in years gone by. I don't want you to regret later that [your brothers] got to go to college and you didn't. If you aren't sure of just what you want to do in a career, you will be spinning your wheels at [Technical College] taking random classes. It will be no different than high school with a lot of older people trying to retrain for the current job market. I think you would be much more likely to get inspired by a class/professor at [University] than at [Technical College]. Bottom line is that you triple your earnings over a lifetime by having the 4 year degree. Now is the time for you to go if you want support from Dad and I. [Older Brother] graduates this year and we have two years before [Younger Brother] starts. You're still covered by our insurance and we are a few years out from having to worry about retirement. Take it from me, it's a lot easier to get it out of the way now before life adds more distractions.

Love,
Mom"

WHAT DO I DO WITH THAT? I swear I have my life planned out. Not everything is about money, as my Parental Units think. I want happiness, they say having a stable bank account makes you happy. I see where they're coming from

but I don't agree.

Who knows? In 20 years I may regret not going to school, but more likely I'll look back fondly on all the life experiences I'll have (if I get to do what I want with my own life... which is rare). I'm just not a 2.5 kids, picket fence kind of chick. This whole 4 years idea is strangling me.

Fun Fact: I live in Wisconsin. I was born and raised in Madison, basically the only place worth going in Wisconsin (besides Door County, a family vacation destination which I love). I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN WISCONSIN. And if I have to, I at least want to be in Madison.

I want to live in California. I don't care how many of you natives say it's just a state. It's a change of pace for me, and somewhere where my writing could go places besides a local newspaper.

My counselor appointment is in twenty minutes.

I'm going to throw up.

And So It Begins

Wednesday, 12 30 AM, February 27th 2008

I have made a pseudocide attempt in order to escape college. Hopefully when I present the counselor (at 10 AM no less) with my mangled left forearm, she will call my Parental Units and they will immediately let me come home.

It was never my intention to drop out of school. The summer before, I was super excited. I was ready to be done with the trivialities of high school and make some new, awesome friends.

God, what a disappointment.

First semester, I had a fling with a taken guy. Got sick of that, so I left. That of course meant I left his friends, the only people I had ever hung out with. So I was friendless.

Now, second semester, some sort of miracle has happened, and I have a group of lovely, hilarious chums. They mean a fuck of a lot to me

But I still hate it here. Nothing can change that. I need to leave.

As of writing this, I have not been to class in seven days. Not a single one. I am fucked in allll of them now, so I might as well come home, right?

I know what I want to do with my life.

Write.

And I know everyone thinks this,

But I have the talent to do it. Professionally.

But before I can even start to achieve my dreams…


I have to drop out of college.

Wish me luck.